I'm a woman from a very religious, sheltered background ( I am no longer religious). I missed the middle school, college, early 20s dating experiences where you can figure romantic stuff out.
I have been kissed by only 3 people and I hated it every time. I've only had sex twice (with the same person) and hated it too. Part of it is I have no idea what I'm doing. I can't follow his lead. I just am confused and in my head. I'd just rather not. For sex, I'm not a starfish. More like a ragdoll who can moan and perform as needed. Cuz that's all I was raised to do.
And it now its become an issue in that I don't have a fear of intimacy. I have a fear of imperfect intimacy. And it makes serious dating more difficult because if I meet a guy I like, then I know at some point I'd have to kiss him. So I avoid all physical touch or private moments that could lead to him kissing me. I'm too grown for all this and its embarrassing. I can get dates easily. These guys dont want to end things with me. But I do.
This is not about relationship experience. More so, its about healthy ways to explore sex and non-sex intimacy in healthy ways as a woman. It feels like being 30+ and asking to kiss men for practice is immature. And trying to sleep with men for practice sounds manipilative. But what do you recommend and for people who went through something similar, how did you navigate it?