Okay, so here's the deal. I recently had a first date with someone from Hinge after we were talking for about 2 weeks (week on the app and week through texting, by her admission she's said she has never been in a long term relationship, she's my age (she just turned 39)). We literally had so much in common too, we were both into gaming, D&D, history, books, musical interests, I could keep going on. Anyway, we went mini-golfing and connected really well (it was an indoor place), they had some arcade games we played together as well. All in all we played probably 3-4 rounds, had food and got drinks (non-alcoholic), over a period of 4 hours. When we parted I asked if she had fun and maybe I could get a 2nd date soon to which she agreed. Fast forward to the next morning I get a text from her saying basically she's been thinking about it since she left, I'm a wonderful guy and how we both want families that it's best not to have a 2nd date with me, so naturally I asked her why she thought that way and she gave me the line that she didn't think we have a lot in common. I know we had a connection and we do share quite a bit in common, I am naturally puzzled by this behavior. The last several dates I've had it's always been the same MO. I'm a wonderful guy but they can't date me because x, y or z. I can understand if there were glaring red flags but there wasn't any. Am I just missing something here?
7 comments
She doesn’t want to hangout again. Who cares why?
What do her previous relationships have to do with anything? I’ve never been in one before but that doesn’t mean I go on second dates with everyone I meet.
I recently met a guy whos super kind and great and we shared some common interest and did connect a lot but I ultimately didn’t feel a strong physical/sexual connection toward him. He was still an amazing guy. Just not the guy for me ya know . Its really that simple!! Sorry buddy. You should be asking yourself why do I want someone who doesn’t feel the same cause there’s nothing wrong with you .
She’s likely sugarcoating the reason. It’s possible she didn’t have an in-person attraction to you/didn’t feel any chemistry, and she’s not interested in pursuing it further. Hanging out in person is a lot different than texting. It sounds like you guys had a good time and also had a lot in common, so it’s likely just an attraction thing.
She’s pushing 40 and never been in a relationship….
There’s a reason for this.
Move on.
The only thing I can suggest, and this feels anti-intuitive, is to not ask for a second date in person while on the first date. Here’s why – as a woman we have to be constantly vigilant about our safety and saying no can be very dangerous for us, so if it’s in person we have less of an out. It’s fine to say you had a great time and you’d love to see her again but then don’t make plans until the following day, and do so by text or phone, so she feels safe being honest if she’s not into it. Other than that, I’ve dated some guys that truly seemed wonderful and either I just wasn’t attracted to them, OR, after the date when I can reflect, I noticed either red flags that I didn’t catch in the moment or just incompatibles. Ultimately, she decided she wasn’t into you and it probably doesn’t have to do with how much you do or don’t have in common – that’s just a safe answer that is unlikely to hurt you.
Honestly it’s such a shit answer because it’s not quantifiable but she just wasn’t feeling it. People know it’s a nothing answer so they feel like they need to come up with a better answer which is why you get the whole things in common thing but I reckon this is purely she just wasn’t feeling it with you
Don’t take it personally. Her loss.