I don't know exactly why im sharing maybe because I feel crazy and know saying it outloud is too much.
My husband and I are in marriage counselling going on almost 8 months. Most sessions leave with him screaming at me, me crying, and the therapist yelling at him. It's horrifyingly exhausting. He then will just be quiet and withdrawn. The other day he wanted to talk about the session and I said I do not wish to talk about it outside of therapy. His response? "oh whatever just because you dont like when i yell doesnt mean its actually a problem you frustrate me to this point" I didnt really know how to respond. He basically said that if i was nicer then he wouldnt get so frusterated.
I feel like its fractured now more then we ever were. Hes completely pulled away. So I am trying to be nicer, calling him on my drive, calling him while he went out to do some rock climbing so thought I would catch the views, I try to hug him and kiss him and he goes rigid. Affection is difficult for me so I really try to make an effort. I feel so confused. He was screaming at me, but he now seems angry at me. I feel super uneasy. A feeling washed over me that something is going on. what that something is I have no idea. I just cant shake it.
I feel crazy but hes avoiding me. I am probably acting like a insecure freak. I do not do well with these kinds of emotions and I hate that I have no idea what the hell is going on. Hes leading a whole life he doesnt share with me. At work, nothing. He does seem to tell me alot about his feelings and what ive done to create those feelings. Or when we are going to have sex he gets all happy and nice and excited. Then right back to shut down. Ugh, in all honesty of this post, we are in this mess because I cheated on him in 2021 with some random loser and ended up in a really bad mental health spiral, where I dealt with sexual assault, an attempt and a psych visit. I was a mess. In the 4 years since I am sober, I have been in therapy since the cheating came out. I went on medication, I have really worked hard to understand how I got to this place.
I know I deserve however he wants to treat me. I just get so tired, and gorwing up my dad was an addict the uneasiness of the feeling is super triggering.
IF you got this far thanks for reading. I am sure its a mess. I am just really sad. I think hes ready to leave. That scares me so much. Almost as much as his staying terrifies me in a whole different way.
WTF is my life.