I have been friend with him for 2-3 years now. He is the most consistent human I have ever met. He used to reply to me daily – to my 20-30 texts, he would listen to my 11 minutes voice notes no matter what, he would pick up my call no matter how busy he was, he would talk to me for hours just listen to me and be there, if it were a breakup he would be the first person I would call to, if I was in a problem I would call him knowing he is 4000miles away in a different time zone he cannot help me but he is my safe space and he would be there for me. He ain’t the most empathic human but he knows how to be there and I understand his love language, it’s care but with roasting.
Whenever he would visit his home country he would meet me first, we would hangout and I would talk and talk and talk and he would listen.
Once he did hurt me but he made it upto me he told me how much he values me and how much he cares in his own way. Being my friend he was always there for me.
I never felt anything towards him because I made it clear to me and him that long distance will create trouble, seeing how many female friends he have I won’t be able to be okay with that ever, I need empathy in my partner but he lacks that so I drew a line.
After 2 years of all this, when we decided on friendship.
He and I decided to go to Italy. We did, we met there and traveled together for 10 days. It was fun but I felt something was off. I couldn’t talk to him like before because he wasn’t listening or responding to me like he used to. There was an awkward silence between us. We would only engage in small talks. But when I fell sick, he took care of me, he observed my sleeping and eating pattern, he never complained but stayed with me, I got blisters and periods I walked slow so he slowed his pace for me, he took care of me and was very protective of me. He made sure I felt comfortable and safe. He didn’t even touch me even once. While sleeping he would sleep in one corner to make me feel comfortable. He would observe me and be there. We had fun, we fought too we solved the problem as well and went back to being normal. But since the trip ended, the shift is still there. He stopped watching my reels on insta, he stopped talking to me like he used to. He used to be a sweetheart towards me now he is dismissive, he used to reply daily to all my texts now he replies once a week and says he is busy.
He used to crazy dirty jokes with me be in Italy or on texts now he is formal with me. He is my safe space but I feel I have some feelings towards him post our trip and I want them gone. It’s not like he noticed those feelings I did or said anything infact I kept mentioning about my ex to him because he hates him and I saw he has been watching my stories I felt glad about it. My friend didn’t acknowledge that much.
Nobody has taken care of me like this or been so protective towards me ever. But I don’t want to ruin our friendship hence I am keeping a long and I will never act on my feelings. I will keep them to me but I will save our friendship. I miss my friend and I want him back. I have asked him twice what’s wrong with you? Everytime I do he shuts me out and doesn’t reply.
Post our return he has been mentioning about other girls a little too much and in Italy also he did that. But at the same time I could feel him leaning a little too close to me when we were in Italy, him cracking dirty jokes again, him not meeting my gaze if I looked really nice. I didn’t want to read much into it but I did notice.
I don’t want to lose him either way, I will lose these feelings since there is long distance and I want to lose these feelings because I cannot lose him. Do I have feelings for him? I’m not sure though. Sometimes I feel I just miss someone taking care for me for once. Then I think it was him, if it were someone else then it wouldnt be like this. I don’t want to lose him. HELP!!!