hello! this is going to be from personal experience, so hopefully someone can relate. i’ve posted here a few times before saying that i was having trouble finishing with my husband. i’ve spent countless hours researching how to “get there” or if something is wrong with me or my body.
little backstory:
i’ve been sexually active for 8 years with 7 different sexual partners, and most of them never even tried to make me finish! my husband has been active for 4 years with around 16 sexual partners (he’s pretty experienced 😂)
tips:
•COMMUNICATE AND BE HONEST
this was one of my BIGGEST mistakes. i’d be too afraid to hurt his ego or make him feel bad so id just lie and tell him that i finished, that way he wouldn’t worry. DONT DO THIS or you’ll just keep being disappointed that you aren’t finishing or making any progress. in order to figure out why it isn’t happening or for something to feel better, you have to tell them (kindly) what feels good and what doesn’t. trust me, they WANT to make you finish and make you feel good! (if they are a good partner)
•TRY NEW THINGS
at first, my husband was afraid for us to use toys because he, “didn’t want me to like them more than i liked his dick” which i had to explain that the feelings were totally different and both good in their own ways. i had to tell him that i cannot finish from PIV/penetration alone. so after i explained that, we used the vibrator and it helped me get there quick! after some foreplay (foreplay is so important) i told him how i do it myself which is one finger inside on the g-spot pressing up and down and then the vibrator on the clit. to help him feel involved i let him use his finger and i used the vibrator and then i finished almost instantly! we also used some rope and a blindfold beforehand.
•SENSORY & SCIENCE
scientifically, when you lose one sense, your others become heightened. for me, when i cannot see, i feel more on my body. controlling your breathing and letting go of any anxiety and reminding yourself that you are in control and really focus on how good it feels on your body really helps. also, personally i don’t like hearing the sound of the vibrator, it gives me anxiety. so we turned up some music which helped me relax. i don’t like him looking at me since i have confidence issues, so we turned off the lights, threw the sheets over us, and he kissed me that way he was close to me and couldn’t look anywhere on my body! also scientifically, once your vagina gets used to one feeling overtime, it will become easier to finish from that feeling!
•STOP WATCHING PORN
this one is very controversial, i stopped watching porn and it changed my life. once i stopped using visual stimulation it helped me finish on my own so much faster, and i didn’t have to rely on seeing things to get me there, which really helped my sex life with my husband and helped me feel more comfortable with myself.
•DONT COMPARE YOURSELF TO HIS PAST
like i said before, i had HUGE self confidence issues, and since he had more experience than me, i was so worried that he thought i was bad at it or thought about others.. HE CHOSE ME! if it was bad, he wouldn’t be with me! and it’s not about being the best, it’s about being present in the moment and enjoying the feeling! don’t put pressure on yourself!
•MAKE SURE YOU HAVE A CARING PARTNER
this easily is one of the most important steps, having a good relationship with YOURSELF and working past YOUR subconscious issues, and having a caring, supportive partner who wants to make you feel good is the best combination!!
•DONT LOSE HOPE
i know it can be really disappointing and annoying when having trouble orgasming, but if you tell yourself it won’t happen, you are just manifesting that in your subconscious mind! you can do this!
these tips that i learned really really helped me when i started applying them and worked through my subconscious issues with myself. if you don’t know what your subconscious issues are, i recommend playing with yourself and imagining if your partner was in the room, vs if it was just you all alone.. that really helped me spot the issue. turn your brain off, nothing is wrong with you 🙂 focus on the good feeling !
hopefully this can help at least one person! you’ve got this!!