I had a couple of 1-2 year relationships before my previous partner of 6.5 years. We had known each other since high school, weathered the pandemic together, moved states, etc. In the first three years, it was everything I had wanted for myself. I had the mental connection, physical affection, verbal affirmations, cute social media posts, etc. Whole nine yards. Their family was so welcoming and frequently shared that it was assumed we'd get married. My partner also said on a few occasions that they wanted to get married and have kids. It was a very "when you know, you know" experience for me. After the pandemic and a period of their unemployment, they became withdrawn and very controlling. There were no dates, the physical affection completely ended, and I was largely ignored (as if I wasn't speaking out loud to them). They set boundaries around what I was allowed to talk about, where I could go, who I could see, etc. Eventually I went through a medical crisis during which they were extremely unsupportive and eventually physically endangered me for a period of time. I abruptly left the relationship and restarted my life elsewhere.
After almost a year of rebuilding my life and enjoying being single, I joined a therapy waitlist and some dating apps. Eventually I met my current bf [35M]. We mutually decided to take it a little bit slower and agreed on giving it a label about six months in. While I've only had long-term relationships, he has dated a lot (many many 1st dates, a couple few-month experiences, one 2ish-year relationship that ended many years ago). All in all we've dated for 1.5 years. I finally got off the therapy waitlist about a year into the relationship. He is very smart and mentally engaging, funny, and easily the most conventionally attractive person I've ever dated. After a few dates we discussed life goals and align on wanting marriage and children. We see each other 1-2x a week with each of us planning dates. I've met his parents a couple of times (for holidays) and see his siblings frequently (the family is close but not affectionate). He has a good job, he has a lot of special and admirable qualities; really he is just a bright person very engaged with the world.
I am struggling because this relationship doesn't have the hallmarks of my previous relationships. Normally about a couple of months in, I receive a declaration of affection/love or a request for labeling. I typically receive a lot of verbal affirmation/affection, social media posts, etc. The beginning of the relationship was like a friendship that turned physical; there was no text flirting or romantic gestures or declarations. I told my bf I loved him at around 9 months and he told me that while he deeply cares for me, it takes him a lot/while to say it back (and to date, he has not). We message intermittently every day (anywhere from a single check-in to a brief conversation or making plans) but he does not ever say anything romantic and rarely uses romantic emojis. He is a minor local public figure and he does not want to post photos of me on social media, though on less than five occasions I have appeared on a story post (or my handle [private] will). And he has only ever introduced me as his gf once (I have addressed this recently).
Through therapy, I recognize that I am looking for external markers and validation that he cares for me. He shows that to me in plenty of other ways, like acts of service and gift giving, considers me and my preferences in his plans, organizes future activities and follows through on all of them, etc. But other than the sexual relationship (which is great), I feel as if we are not in a romantic relationship. I worry that we are not building to something bigger and that I am wasting my time. I want to be married before kids, but I feel my age. And I long to build a family life and to invest in that.
I recognize that my previous partner was very manipulative and would use affection as a tool to keep me in the relationship. I alternated between getting everything I wanted and then also nothing. So I am doing work in therapy to reframe my way of thinking about relationships and have been able to work through a lot of relationship-related anxieties while in this relationship. In the beginning I used social media videos/posts from relationship influencers which make relationships seem like all-or-nothing and very deterministic. I cut those out months ago and am working on trying to identify what my inner feelings actually are about this relationship. And on this, my therapist has not been very helpful; I recognize no one else is going to make my decisions for me, but I feel like I'm not able to objectively evaluate the behavior I'm receiving to know if it is right for me – does that make sense? After sustained emotional abuse and neglect, you get used to someone else telling you what is right and wrong, and while I've healed from the most severe part of that, I am still struggling to figure out who I am and what I want.
I'm still experiencing minor rushes of excitement when my bf messages me to the point where it will actually alter my feelings in the moment. I get a rush of energy when he gives me attention and sometimes (not always) I can get withdrawn and disinterested when I don't hear from him (even after just a few hours). I am working on detaching my feelings from the attention, but it lends itself to me writing this post – I am struggling to figure out if this relationship is going well, or if I should initiate a conversation with him on where things are going. I am skilled at having difficult conversations, but it's like I don't even know what it is I'd want to bring up if I did initiate one. No relationship will bring with it absolute certainty; I can sense I want something to change, that I am missing something relating to romance, but I'm having difficulty identifying it.
TL;DR: I have been dating my bf for about 1.5 years now. The treatment I am receiving in my current relationship is different than my previous long-term relationships, and I cannot tell if that is a good or bad thing. I miss "words of affirmation" and I feel a lack of romance (though I am struggling to describe just what I mean). I am in therapy, but I need outside perspective on if this relationship is going well. Should I initiate a serious discussion with my bf or are things going okay?