We have been together for a bit over 3 years and married within the last 6 months.

When I was growing up my dad would aggressively tell me during conversations that he didn't believe I knew what I was talking about and I would need to explain it to him so he could decide if I was "lying" or not. It always messed with my head, as I got older I got used to a lot but this one would always shut me down. I later realized I have aphantasia (no images in my head) so I think that's why even though I "just knew" about things I had a difficult time elaborating, particularly once I got flustered.

My husband is well aware of this, but decided HE was going to start testing me I guess. We were out on a date night I was excited about, I purchased our tickets after he'd mentioned that he would really like to go and we set up in a more private area and started hanging out/chatting/listening to the music. We'd had a really nice dinner that went perfectly just before and had been talking to each other and having a great time the entire evening. He randomly asked me if I knew about something and I said "Yes". He looked at me and said "Okay, describe it to me right now then."

The fun vibe instantly ended, I said "No. Nevermind." This apparently made him MAD and he started saying "I know you know what it is, just describe it to me. Why am I intimidating to you? Why are you scared of me right now????" I instantly started crying, I was mostly in control so I wasn't making any sound but tears were pouring out of my eyes. I said "I'm not scared of you. I'm sorry, I'm just confused and I can't explain, just let me calm down." He went on to say "imagine how it makes me feel when I want to talk about something and my wife won't even engage with me. Why don't you trust me???? I would never be mean to you" Still obviously mad.

This isn't true, we talk and I engage with his ideas all of the time. I bring up my own topics and never make him "prove himself" to me when he says he knows. He's aware that this was something negative that instantly makes me stressed from my childhood, and although I've put a lot of work in to overcoming my raising this still makes me struggle. In the end I was still crying and he was like "anyway I wanted to tell you this thing (goes into detail) and I'm over it now sometimes you just get annoyed 🥰 but I feel bad that you've had so much trauma that you don't feel safe to share what you think!!"

At this point I tried to cheer up so we could get through the event but I was pretty miserable. Then as we were leaving I mentioned I had been trying to get a view of something and he kept walking so fast I hadn't really been able to see. He said "No problem, we'll try to look at it from this angle" and as I was looking out some lady behind me said "I just got engaged!". My husband said "Did you hear that?" and I said "Yes" (still in the middle of looking) and he said "OKAY what did she say then???"

I'm instantly pissed at this point, don't turn around to look back at him, just say "she just got engaged. How nice." And he started trying to rub my shoulders I guess feeling bad that he didn't "catch" me again.

Then we went home and he's in a great mood while I'm still feeling sad and stupid and vulnerable. I paid for and planned everything, I even got reservations for us to eat before because I knew if I asked him to he would "forget" so I'm wondering where this came from? Even though he explicitly said he wanted to, he never goes forward with plans and since we got married has very much fallen into the "oh yeah, I was going to do (nice thing) for you but I forgot/couldn't/had something else going on" He was way more on top of things before we got married which makes me sad. He's also frequently on his phone through our dates while I give him my full attention so it's annoying to feel like he's accusing me of being inattentive.

Today we're normal but I feel extremely depressed knowing he's likely going to keep doing this now. I'm not even sure what to say or how to word it, I'm trying to work through my thoughts by writing this but I also would love some advice.

tl;dr my dad always accused me of lying when I said I knew about something and would make me fully explain things to "prove myself" to him. It almost always just made me too flustered to talk which would make him even worse. My husband knows this and pulled it twice last night, ruining my mood while he had a pleasant time. Today we're "normal" but I still feel unsettled and sad, I'm not sure how to talk about it


35 comments

  1. This isn’t love, someone who loves you doesn’t do this to you. This would be a deal breaker for me personally. At bare minimum he needs to do couples counselling

  2. Ohh I hate this. No advice, but I used to have a friend who did this and it drove me up the wall despite lack of childhood trauma about it. So I don’t think you’re overreacting at all.

  3. Can you go to therapy just for you and talk this out? I think you need support because this is a rough situation. This feels deliberate and controlling to me, like you gave him info about how to hurt you and make you feel like a helpless child again, and he took advantage of it and used it to hurt you. Are you autistic?

  4. Next time he tests you, say “Why don’t you believe me? Why don’t you trust me? I am not going to prove myself to you. Either you believe me or you don’t. That’s on YOU.”

  6. I know everyone says this but you said he knows your dad used to do this. I’d leave. 

  7. He was being mean to you right then! I’m sorry but this makes me so mad for you. You deserve better.

  8. Ummmmm he did that on purpose to trigger you. Very obvious and im glad most noticed. Your husband is a twisted sick individual. You may not listen to us.. but this is not good for you. At all. No im not going to say “Talk to him, communicateđź’•” etcetera. Because he knows better and KNOWS its bad for you and still did it. Thats a grown man. He knew better.

  9. He’s testing your boundaries. This guy is an abusive jerk. You don’t have to stay with him.

  10. It feels like you may have married someone who is like
    Your dad.

    Apparently it’s quite common to repeat the patterns you learned at the hands of your parents in romantic relationships.

    Also!! FYI – abusers often show their true colours after a big life event that ties you closer eg a baby, bought a house together or hey …. Marriage đź‘€

  11. That is so cruel to do to you. He’s now being abusive. From the outside looking in.. I don’t know. I don’t know everything but what you’ve said, but it’s just cruel. Your mind is kind of “blind” in a way, and if I ask a blind person to describe something, that would be cruel, right? It doesn’t make sense to “test” someone either.

  12. This is bizarre behaviour. Your reaction is not just trauma.

    Have you noticed any other behaviours of his that make you feel uncomfortable or unsafe?

  13. A partner doesn’t do this. This is something a mean person does to someone they don’t like. I’ve treated strangers better than this, and had strangers treat me better than this. He’s using you for sport, in a very spiteful and horrible way. He knows how you feel about this and he still does it, that’s the worst kind of person tbh. 

  14. Please, PLEASE get started on a contraceptive that *you* control. Do NOT get pregnant! Seems like he feels that, now that you’re married, he’s in control & can abuse you like your dad did.

    Since he’s already using information you entrusted him with to torment you, I wouldn’t suggest couple’s counseling. He’s likely to add anything he learns there to further abuse you.

    Individual counseling for yourself & start on a plan to get out, get safe, and get single.

  15. Why are you playing and paying for everything? You’re married, why isn’t a date “our” money? 

    Also he’s incredibly cruel. These behaviors are emotional abuse. And he’s trying to be slick doing what your dad did and trying to make you feel bad.

    That sucks. You don’t deserve that behavior. There’s nothing you could do that would make it justified for him to “test” you.

    So you need to figure out what you will do with a husband who wants to be cruel to you for cruelty’s sake.

  16. I hope
    You realize you’re not that child who was at the mercy of her Dad…

    You don’t have anything to prove.

    I don’t think this is your person.

    I think you may have married someone just like your dad.

  17. He needs therapy, you need to get out.

    There is no defensible reason for him behaving like this.

  18. Taking something that he knows you didn’t like your dad doing and doing it to you is crazy. A massive betrayal of trust to take what you said in confidence and turn it against you.

  20. Girl what, this is wild! My husband would never try to “test” me because he trusts me (and I trust him). Just here to validate for you that this is not normal, and in a healthy relationship if you say you are familiar with something, even if you can’t articulate it, your partner believes you. I fear this will progress to more controlling or manipulative behaviors.

  21. Bet this behaviour (and others) started about…. a month after you got married.

    he’s going to get worse, because you’re “trapped” now.

  22. He’s mean to you. Why does he want to be mean to you? Everything about his behavior in that story was unkind.

  23. You explain very well the awkward situation you went through, as well as how it all started in your childhood. I read it and realized you still carry that trauma. Ask him to read this and what you want to resolve. If that man truly loves you, he will find a solution and not test you. Obviously, he has to understand that his job is to protect you. Good luck. Love and peace. ✌🏼

  25. He is ramping up abusive behaviour, specifically targeting your insecurity / trauma in order to abuse you into future compliance because he believes he has you locked down. I’m not exaggerating. I know this sounds and feels crazy but you do NOT deserve this treatment and you and he both know it. He’s doing this on purpose. Please at least start therapy on your own and make sure you have financial independence from him, and that you’re not in a position that you could get pregnant.

    ETA people will tell you to talk to him, test him back, stand up to him, demand clarity, etc etc. The ONLY thing that will accomplish is to leave you more confused and hurt than ever. Your husband has become unsafe and no answer he gives you will erase this sad reality.

  26. His actions towards you come off as so purposeful. This isn’t someone you’re safe with, I’m afraid, because he’s obviously getting off on treating you in the same way as your dad did. He’s a bully, and he knows exactly how to make you feel terrible. Please don’t accept that from him. Updateme!

  27. You may have your lawyer talk to him, in writing. He was deliberately cruel to you and he knew where to hit to hurt you the most. You don’t need this in your life.

  28. Your husband knows how to push all your buttons. Husbands are supposed to make their wives feel safe and he’s not doing a very good job of it. Tell him to stop challenging you in conversations. He knows what he’s doing. I would call him out every time he’s an ass like this to you and just shut down the conversation. If it’s in public head for the car. If I were you I would look into some therapy to talk about this stuff deeper with someone.

  29. You need to call him out for his behaviour when it happens. Perhaps answer with I’m not going to play this game with you.

  30. Does he often do this when you’re excited about something? You were excited about the date, then this happens. You were expressing happiness about your workout progress, then this happened. Does it happen other times or just when you’re happy?

  31. This is *extremely* bizarre behavior, there is nothing loving or kind here, I have no idea what he is doing to you or why, but my instincts are telling me to run.

  32. Someone who is supposed to love you and is intimately aware what triggers your trauma, and does it because he enjoys watching you fluster while getting to deny it.

  33. So you husband has decided to use your abuse as a way to torture you.

    Run. Run like hell.

  34. Someone trying to have a normal conversation doesn’t demand that you “Describe it to me right now.” They’d say “Tell me about it” or something similar.

    >I would never be mean to you

    Except that’s exactly what he JUST did. Deliberately. This was absolutely deliberate and then he’s gaslighting you into thinking you’re the bad guy.

    This guy is so fucking manipulative. And it didn’t work. And so he got his pants in a twist about it.

    I would give him one shot to fix things. Use an I statement. Tell him that when he does what he did, it makes you extremely unhappy and makes you feel like he doesn’t respect you. That he knew this, and he did it twice. That he owes you an apology. His response will tell you whether or not you can move forward.

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