I (late twenties/early thirties female) have been married to my husband (mid thirties male) for over five years and we've been together over 10.
We had a bit of a breakdown in communication last autumn that culminated in a withdrawal and an inappropriate friendship (didn't reach an emotional affair but he was confiding in her in a way that wasn't with me!) on his side and my being left alone to deal with a huge traumatic event. He basically withdrew and there were a few weeks where he said he just wanted to leave because he couldn't face the hurt he has caused me and felt we'd be better off without him. It was horrible and shook us both.
We both had therapy and things have been much better communication wise and so on.
We hit a dip in intimacy recently and it's now been two months since we've been intimate. It's never been a super regular thing but we averaged once a week and that was fine with me. I wouldn't say I have a high libido at all but in our marriage lately it feels that way.
He's been stressed with a change of career and some family stuff but we've been through lots of rough stuff before where it wasn't affected to this point extent. The problem is I'm really missing our intimacy. It's one of the ways I know we're okay so that's the first thing and secondly I just miss being close to him.
We've talked about it and he's assured me it's not me, he still finds me super attractive etc but it's effecting my self esteem. I want to feel desired and wanted by my husband and the lack of desire makes me feel like there's something wrong with me.
Conversely, he feels like a failure and like it's another thing he's getting wrong.
He's told me telling about it makes it worse but I can't seem to stop. I think the lack of any tangible steps on his behalf to address it is making it worse and means I find it hard to trust that we'll be okay.
I'm worried I'm screwing everything up. And I so desperately want to stop hurting him and myself in the process. I don't know what it feels like to be a man in this position and so I guess it would be helpful to know so I can understand his perspective more and maybe reassurance or advice that's it's just a dip. Or things I can do it reignite things again. I hate myself for making it worse. Please help.