23 difficult years of marriage, sprinkled with good times like a few vacations and various outings that didn't turn into fights. Less than week ago, I told him I don't want to be here in this marriage anymore. Number one reason being how he treats me. Often uses a harsh tone and recently yelled at me that I am to ignore his tone and listen to his words. Bullshit, I told him. He's historically been awful in arguments. Controlling, a real "communication cop." He polices what I say but freely defends, deflects, turns things around, blames me, overall exasperating and frustrating to talk to. Affection? Only if I initiate. Critical daily, compliments are truly rare. Spends his free time on projects along with most of our surplus money. Body odor and bad breath issues though I recently addressed that again and he's worked on it.
This is the third time I've said I'm divorcing him and he's always lured me back with lovebombing and promises. This time is similar. He's pleading with me to stay and work on the marriage. He contacted two counseling centers and gave me the info snd asked me to check my schedule to see when I could attend with him. He said if I don't want to go, he will go by himself. He's never been willing to go by himself. This past week he has been affectionate, loving, attentive, taking me out to eat, doing things around the house, communicating. I told him I see a pattern, that's he's done this before. He admitted he sees it too and wants to not have it be temporary, but to steadily be working on the marriage. Yesterday, we spent hours in bed, talking, making love, laughing. It's better than even our dating period. Today I took him to the airport for a work trip and for time since dating 23 years ago, I long for him. I feel conflicted. If we can sustain this, accounting for the ebbs and flows in marriage, I would stay. I feel foolish, having told a couple people I'm done with the marriage. Ultimately, I don't want to throw away 23 years if we can make this work.