This is the place to put shower thoughts, your vents/rants about dating, requests for quick advice, serious (and sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.

This post will be moderated, so if you see something breaking the rules, please report it.


46 comments

  1. The ebs and flows of dating are so hard to get thru sometimes. Trying to remain positive when you mostly see (and have) things fail, is a lot. I keep telling myself and those in similar situations that eventually we’ll all get the love we desire and deserve, but with the way these men have been set up… I’m starting to even wonder if that’s true.

    The last couple I’ve dated didn’t know how to communicate, took advantage of the trust I had for them, and one even was extra eager about sex before putting in any work elsewhere (no dates planned or anything!) 🥴😫. Where are the men with emotional intelligence, open to communicate, and patient with the physical intimacy?!

  2. I’m (30F) back on Hinge after a break of 5-odd months and there are a few profiles that I’m interested in. Firstly, I’m super picky in general, and I also know I wouldn’t date outside my culture. But I’ve always had this feeling that I may not be finding someone on the apps. Mind you, I was active on Bumble and Hinge previously, went on a few dates as well, matched with a bunch of people, some I unmatched with before meeting, some fizzled before meeting.

    When I rejoined this month, I came across a couple of profiles that have potential, and others that I’d seen & had been non-responsive/ people who things fizzled with. Even when I’m interested, I get to the point where I sit and wonder if I want to send a like, or respond to their like & match. Part of it is probably because Im old-school and sometimes wonder if I can be with someone who I picked out of a stack of profiles (I only got on the apps at 28 and never wanted to be on the apps in my early-mid twenties). I’ve only been in one other relationship and we were really good friends prior to getting into a relationship. The second bit is probably my conservative family background, generally, dating wasn’t okay when I was younger. Ofc that has changed with times, and as long as there’s a culture match I’m fine. Even then I did date when I was younger, so I don’t think I’m worried about familial disappointment or anything of that sort as I clearly thought it won’t be a big deal when I was 19 haha! I think I probably have something stopping me because the app route feels unnatural to me? Especially because finding a person in your 30s is hard enough anyway. Obviously I know loads of people do find someone through the apps – that’s why I initially got on them thinking maybe I’m being silly and stuck up and I might be missing out on someone because of my old-school thinking.

    I’m not sure what it is, but I seem to be self sabotaging off-late and get into a mindset of ‘oh if so and so matches with me I’ll have to talk to them, see them and go out on dates and make so much effort, which may end up in nothing’. So I think I just put off matching or not accept likes and hit pause. It’s weird because I was on the apps for a year-ish and met a few people and it was fine, it’s not nervousness or anxiety. In fact I think when I was going on those dates I was super open and excited even.

    Also I actually lost access to my Hinge account and had to remake the entire thing, and I was making jokes about it, but I ended up making a full profile with new prompts that have options for engagement. I think though I didn’t pull the kind of interactions initially, it really put me off? My options are also limited, and given from those, there were enough that either didn’t engage with me a year back or things fizzled with, I was already working with a small pool and then the kind of interactions I pulled were weird, it totally took my hope(?) away.. So I don’t know if I’m demotivated because of this, or that the previous dates in a year or so didn’t work out, or I just intuitively feel it’s not right for me. Some days I’m hopeful (esp when I rejoined post break), but by the time it comes to it and I find someone I like, I somehow think meh, never mind. I guess I’m trying to figure if this happens to people often, or am I just weird haha.

  3. Ladies, what are your thoughts on a guy at work approaching you for a date?

    A colleague of mine got a bit loose-lipped last night when he was drinking too much and started talking about how he’s crushing on a woman who works there, and how he’s considering asking her out. It was really fascinating in a “Wow, some men really are kind of seeing what they want to see” kind of way to observe his interpretations of what he’s is translating as interest on her end vs. what I’m reading as her simply being a really nice and personable colleague (she works in customer service on top of it, so her personality is a big reason why she has the job she has.)

    For example, he was telling me how during the pandemic, she used to message him over our work chat saying that she’s so bored and spends all day in bed with nothing to do when not working. His translation: she’s sending me signals that she wants me to come over and get in bed with her. My translation: it was the pandemic, she was bored, she literally had nothing to do, and when people are bored and have nothing to do, they get depressed and might just stay in bed all day.

    He also mentioned how he’s invited her out before to go out with him and a few other people from work he goes out with, only for her to respond with a yes, but also how she was going to tell her group of coworkers that they were arranging a group of people from work to go out with. Again, I don’t think he’s picking up on the fact that she’s just being receptively friendly and outgoing like she is to most everyone. I even tried to hard hint to him that I overheard her having a 20 minute casual conversation with another guy in a different department to point out that her friendliness extends to basically everyone, and his interpretation was, “Damn, I didn’t know he was trying to get with her, too…” No consideration on his end that maybe she doesn’t want to date ANYONE at the office because she values her job over dating a coworker where it may or may not work out, and the fallout might be weird to deal with.

    All that said, I didn’t tell him he should go for it… but I also didn’t tell him he should *not* go for it either because I’m interesting to see how this all plays out lol

  4. I initially posted this on yesterday’s daily sticky thread not realizing that the comments would be locked less than 24 hours later. Hence, I am reposting this so that I can respond to the comments on my comment. Here goes: I am a male in my early 40s (but for some strange reason, I pass off for someone much younger) in New York City. I have spent the bulk of my adulthood being single. In the past, I took a rather passive attitude to finding someone to be in a relationship since I just believed that my interests would lead me to someone worthwhile and that would be it. Sadly, that vision has not materialized in the way that I had hoped. In cases where it did materialize, it was fleeting and in some cases momentary. It took me until my mid-30s to realize that I needed to be proactive with this aspect of my life and not continue to roll the dice on serendipity. Most of my friends in the city seem to have found their significant others on dating apps. The only time I get any inbound interest on Bumble is when I am outside of New York City or out of the country. On Hinge, the inbound interest is RARE and even when the interest is mutual, a handful of messages get exchanged and I never hear back (I’ve heard this is common). I have started to believe my photos might be the problem. I think they have improved over the years and I also think I might look better now than I did through most of my 30s. I have been using a website called photofeeler to get people to vote on my photos and most of my photos (on a scale of 1-10) get a score between 5 and 6. The one with a score of 6.8 is not a particularly great photo – so I don’t see how that was the one that scored higher. Have any of you (males) used this service and only done the profile review bit after you had photos that put you at 7 or higher on the attractiveness scale as per Photofeeler? I realize this is an odd question but I figured I might get some valuable perspective. I’ve always found the notion of rating people’s looks on a scale of 10 quite unsettling but based on my experience with OLD so far, I am starting to think there might be some non-trivial correlation between a photofeeler website score and my prospects on online dating apps. Looking forward to some input from you folks. Thank you in advance.

  5. spent yesterday missing my ex. i almost reached out but it would only be self serving for me and hurtful for her so i didn’t. being alone sucks but i know i should just keep to myself for a bit to actually do what i said i would when we broke up.

    here’s to everyone finding the strength to try to do better for themselves.

  7. The past year I’ve met 3 men who would idealize me quite a bit and treat me exceptionally well early on, compliment the hell out of me, act caring and thoughtful and serious…they wanted me to meet their parents, wanted to meet my parents, wanted to move with me to Canada, or introduced me to their best friends, talked about the future, had deep conversations and asked thoughtful questions. Then around 2 months when I got attached and invested and shared my vulnerability and emotional needs, they found a way to sabotage things or bail. It’s like a switch, that I was only desirable within a safe distance when I wasn’t a real person needing reciprocal vulnerability, just a nice pleasant idea. Wondering what was going on that it happened three times. Maybe I should be extra wary of men who come on a bit strong early on?

  8. Had a girlfriend trying to convince me to chill a bit, to be less assertive, to give men more space to come to me. And while I always do that in the initial stages (I will happily tee a guy up, but I make sure he asks me out on the first date), I tend to be my usual, assertive self the more we get to know each other, and it has led to me dating a lot of people who are unclear about how much they want to see me, who can’t make plans, etc.

    I’m still torn on this, because I see the logic. If the “standard” script is man pursues, if he doesn’t pursue, he’s often not interested. But I’m also an assertive person and I like that quality about myself and I don’t want to play games. (And, like, you don’t ask, you don’t get. You don’t go after what you want, you don’t get it. I’m a woman of action, dammit. Life is for the living). I also notice, with friends, if they’re always the one asking, it’s cause I don’t like them that much. Because if I like someone, I start making plans to see them.

    She convinced me to make the guy I’m seeing make the next ask… cause if he doesn’t, that’s a pretty clear sign, now isn’t it? But I’m starting to get into I don’t like how unsure I feel territory. I’m willing to give it another month or two, just to see how it feels to date someone that long (if he is still interested), then I think it’s up or out.

    Then maybe another season off dating. Each person I’ve dated has been a little *more* emotionally available, but I’m worried I’m still not quite available enough to attract/ feel attracted to the people who are truly ready for a more serious relationship. I do want said serious relationship to be more independent than what I had, but that’s a really big range and there are a lot of avoidants on this side.

  9. Step 1) join running clubs, partially to meet women

    Step 2) run a lot and get pretty fast, try to qualify for the Boston Marathon

    Step 3) realize that the vast majority of people who would run as fast as you in training are other guys

    Step 4) 🤔

  10. I think I’m ready to have sex again after being abstinent for over a year. We cuddle together naked and it’s basically gotten to the point in which he’s rubbing on me and I just want to slip it in. I feel very comfortable and turned on by him. I think I will probably blurt out “I love you” mid act and don’t know if he’s there yet, but I feel this going in such a good direction. I wouldn’t say I really love him yet either but the words are starting to appear in my mind during intimate moments. Life feels really full right now, and I feel very supported and cared for by him. I know it’s going to feel amazing when we do.

  11. Do you ever think you protected your peace so much and found a life you love that you’ll never find someone to fit in it?

    Sometimes I simply can’t imagine finding someone I want to be around all the time, share my space with, having checking in on me etc…

    The problem is I want a relationship! I want someone to join my life and grow a life with.

    So it makes me anxious that I can’t imagine it because I am so content on my own. It feels like I’m fighting with myself.

  12. I still at the age of 36 struggle to get the balls to talk to a girl at the bar. Even if she seems to indicate she wants to talk I can’t do it.

  14. Making things and selling them on FB marketplace has kind of been therapeutic for me. I’ve sold two things recently and the likes and inquiries have kind of mirrored what dating apps do but this time I’ve had actual “success”. It means people like what I bring to the table and it’s made me feel good. It hasn’t made me forget that he likely blocked me on bumble a week or so ago but at least I’m winning in some aspect in life even as a loner

  15. Getting little to no likes on tinder after deleting my account and letting it rest for few weeks.

  16. If I had a first date with someone and don’t think I want to pursue it do I need to message or follow up with them?

  17. Why are the most wholesome, nerdy looking guys on the apps into “kinky, non monogomy, poly, casual” etc

  18. I became single after six years in September and used Hinge for the first time then. As I’d never used the app before, I assumed the premise that you can only have eight people awaiting a reply/first message was always a thing. But I’ve just found out that was only rolled out in September, i.e. just at the time I was first using it. For people using it before, did it make the app better?

  19. I matched with someone on the apps that I was excited to actually get to know. We’ve been texting almost a week. We have a lot of interests in common and our conversations were fun. Except now she hasn’t replied in almost an entire day. I’m feeling really down because this felt promising, and yet once again it slips through my fingers. I already sent multiple texts so it would look bad if I sent a THIRD text. It just feels bad. I wonder if she already moved on to the next person. I’m so disappointed. I usually don’t get my hopes up but for a few days it felt like maybe something was finally happening.

  20. Had a spontaneous first date on Wednesday and it was really fun. The guy turned out to be way more handsome in person than he was in his pictures so I was blushing for the first 30 minutes of the date, haha. He asked me out on a second date right away and we met again yesterday. Talked for about 6 hours and shared a fantastic kiss at the end. Seeing him again in a week but after that kiss I’m so heated I’d rather see him in a few days already. Trying to curb the butterflies because I want to take things slow. It’s been over three years since I last went on dates (I had a relationship until early last year) and I forgot how absolutely vulnerable it is!

  22. I recently ended a 10 month relationship without ever going to my ex house or meeting his parents (who he lived with).  Lately I’ve been remembering some stuff.

    He claimed his father was an ass and he didn’t want him to say anything to me or to him that might strain the relationship. His first example was how his dad may comment on my appearance comparing me to his many exes that look more “traditionally attractive”, cause he used to date very attractive women. 🙄 

    I was offended by the indirect comparison but laughed it off, and was like- do you find me attractive? Cause I’m dating you, not your dad. On a later occasion Ive pushed it further and he was visibly upset, he told me the one comment his father made comparing his exes (both red headed), made him force his GF back then to change and paint it black. 🙄🙄 that he didn’t want this to happen to me. 

    I don’t even know how to unpack this- not only he was boasting about his previous exes but low-key telling I wasn’t that pretty. Plus, he constructed it like his dad -with a tactless comment at most- was at fault for the fact he made his previous exes dye her hair against her will. For someone that hated his dad, he sure cared a lot about his opinion. 

    I’m starting to think he was just lying about all this stuff to attempt to manipulate me away from his home. Thoughts?

  23. I feel like I’m on the cusp of my relationship-related prayers being answered.

    It’s thrilling. It’s also scary, because what if that’s not what’s happening. BUT I’m not going to let that fear of later get in my way of enjoying and embracing every smile, laugh, warm fuzzy feeling and all the happiness it’s bringing me now.

  24. Long time reader of many journeys here, first time poster. 

    Have a date from OLD in about an hour, we matched earlier this week. He has been very eager via messaging but nothing crossing lines or red flags. Makes me nervous as historically similar vibes from messaging has translated to being too much, too soon for me. 

    I tee’d him up to ask me on a date, he did and asked availability. We agreed on this evening but then he moved on to other topics without suggesting details. Next day I suggested we get a drink for something casual, he agreed, again no planning coming from his end but asking other topics and also saying he’s looking forward to meeting. This morning I told him to let me know where he wants to meet. He said he was planning something. Asked me what I’m up to today. I let the day go by, told him what I did, asked where he wanted to meet, at that point 2 hrs out. Crickets. 

    I think I’m going on a solo date tonight, folks 😂 

  25. 😭😭😭 today I suddenly remembered that yesterday was my exes birthday and missed him instantly. I realised I haven’t been able to meet someone I liked as much I did him and now he’s in a relationship with someone else

  26. I met someone back in July and honestly I’ve never felt this type of connection before. Unfortunately, he lives in Australia so it’s a huge time difference. Chances are, I’m probably not going to see him again since he only comes here for work. Any advice on this I can do to get over him and just generally stop thinking about him? I’ve tried dating but all I keep thinking about is that none of the men are him so I’m having a go of it. Any advice will help!

  27. I don’t take public transportation often these days and today I saw a group of really cute young fresh boys, made me think I used to be obsessed with my work situationship and another person I met via online dating, yet they aren’t even attractive, I was so afraid of losing them and begged them to stay, yet they took it for granted and my work situationship was making me do all the work when he was working with me, and the other one was gaslighting and breadcrumbing me so badly, now that I have moved on, I realized there are so many attractive people out there why get fixated on one person especially that person isn’t nice you? 

  33. It’s really wonderful to see how nice people are in the comments on these daily threads. It makes me a bit hopeful.

  34. Recently got an email from hinge that someone I matched with was removed due to fraudulant behavior. They never responded to my opening message so no real loss.

  35. I was sure I wouldn’t see my guy again this weekend but he texted and said only ‘let’s go’ and a pin to what I recognized was his friends place. We (kid and I) headed over and had lunch and he showed me he bought a paddleboard so the three of us and one of his friends drove 2 hours away to spend the day at the lake on a whim. It was a lot of fun and we got some good pictures which I always love. We haven’t been to the lake all summer so I had a blast. He’s staying over tonight and it’s turning into a perfect weekend that I didn’t expect or plan for.

  36. I (F, 38 soon 39)finally sat my partner (M 38) down for a serious talk about what was happening in our relationship. I perceived him to be cold, detached and almost disinterested in participating in the conversation. He initially agreed things hadn’t been good for the past month, but wouldn’t tell me what had changed for him. To add insult to injury, I had a pregnancy “scare” (I didn’t tell him it was a miscarriage until today) in early August. We had expressively discussed having children early on in our relationship due to my age. Today he told me he got scared of a future with me when I told him I was “late”.

    For context, we met on Tinder, and I was initially hesitant to get involved because he has a daughter (5). The relationship progressed quickly though from long-distance to every other week relationship, due to his custody arrangement. We discussed moving in together, and I applied for (and got) a new job closer to his house. My “home” is 80 kms away from his. I moved into his house after 5 months. His daughter and I got along fine, she even tried calling me mom for the past month…

    We are in many ways extremely different, I have a PhD in psychology and he graduated high school with a trade (plumber). I have had a high income for many years and was brought up to buy quality over quantity, he prefers to buy cheap since they can then be replaced. He doesn’t care much about clothes or “things”, whereas I like to look good and spend my money on myself. I THOUGHT we could compromise but he now claims I complain about things not being “good enough”.

    I genuinely thought this was MY person, I always tell him he’s one of my favorite ppl in my life and now I think we’re done. I feel like a chance for a family of my own just got ruined and I have a hole in my chest that keeps knawing at me! 😢😭 We agreed to take a break for a week but I can’t help but feel like we’re done. I consciously know I should be grateful I am not pregnant but now my loss, however early, feels even worse! Can someone out there please help me feel some hope??!!

  37. Had a get-together dinner at his workmate’s place last night. Brought Korean fried chicken and Flan caramel to share with the rest. The KFC was the bomb. Everyone loved it. We made a really good team cooking together.

    Get together means dinner, drinks and of course, a game night.

    We played Paranoia questions and a few questions that had him as the answer/related to him were funny.
    – Who do you think will tab B out in the fight? The answer was two tiny ladies from his work.
    – Who do you think would likely go to the dominatrix? The person who has to answer doesn’t even spare a second to make a decision. His name came out right away.

    End the night with Karaoke. When we were in the uber home, he whispered ‘I love you so much’

    My heart is whole. It was warm.

  38. Put off reading my exe’s last message for a long time. It was an unwelcome surprise because I thought I blocked her but apparently it didn’t sync with my laptop. I essentially told her I don’t trust her, reminded her I’ve respected her space and my boundary of no contact by leaving her alone to live her life, and best of luck to her and her husband, and to stop reaching out.

    She responded with:
    “…I was never the one who asked to be left alone to live my life but respect your boundary in wanting that, even with you adding a picture on WhatsApp that you knew I’d see.”
    -After leaving mutual chats in WhatsApp I changed my profile photo to a travel pic of me with a girlfriend.

    This is how she responded to “best of luck to you and your husband”:
    “While I appreciate the salutations, you don’t know what my life situation is nor the struggles I am dealing with, just as I don’t know yours.”

    Then the last sentence:
    “…and will truly always value you as a person.”

    Not what I expected. She tried to play it off like a purely professional outreach, but the context and surrounding behavior at the time didn’t feel that way. Sounds more jealous and vulnerable than expected.

  39. Spending another Saturday night in the house. This single shit is so depressing.

  40. I can tell my tendency for limerence is kicking in heavy with these apps. *sigh* Haven’t even met the guy yet (have been messaging a lot while he’s out of town) and I really like the vibe. I catch myself being anxious after I reply (thinking I sound dumb) and getting probably too excited when he writes back. Really hoping it translates irl. He’s younger than I am, but he’s super attractive and his communication style matches mine well as far as I can tell. I’m assuming he’s in it more for casual based off his profile (the relationship style is missing though it does say monogamy, more than 1 shirtless photo , kinda basic prompts), but that’s OK at this point for me. I need some practice out in this field 1st I think before I lock something down

  41. Went on a girls trip with what was my last single friend who now is in a relationship and is insufferable and (surprise) she was insufferable.

    I said something about how the dating scene is horrid and she said she wouldn’t know. It took the strength of Superman not to ask her how she wouldn’t know when she’s only been in a relationship for 3 months.

    She also thinks I am being overly picky when it comes to finding a partner, but at the same time she did not like any of the people I told her about that I had met/gone out with recently. 

    Ironically, the more she talks about her boyfriend the more I think he’s just telling her whatever he thinks she wants to hear and she’s ignoring any potential incompatibilities because she likes him. 

    It vaguely reminds me of this guy she dated years ago who made up all these ridiculous lies about his life, but she refused to see it because she liked him.

    Long story short, I’m going to make some new single friends and put this friendship on ice for a while. 

  42. Me (33m) and my girlfriend (30f) have been together for about 15 months. We’ve met each others parents. I found hers kind, generous, thoughtful, and gentle. My girlfriend likes my parents a lot, loves my moms cooking, makes sure we treat them when they visit.

    My mom doesn’t think my girlfriend is right for me. She looks down on her for her immigration status, for not having gone to an American university (nor did she, as an immigrant herself), for not being a Christian (nor am I), and even for her height, when we are all short. She says she doesn’t fit what she wants from a daughter-in-law.

    Now I’m stuck with this knowledge. As my girlfriend is so sweet to my mom. My mom keeps inquiring, keeps digging into areas of my girlfriends past that she is ashamed of, that we know about — her divorce, her abusive ex.

    That was last time my parents visited town. We had a big fight, when my girlfriend was out of the house. Now they’ve been acting like nothing happened.

    I haven’t had the energy to bring this up, to relive the fight, but my mom is getting insistent on talking to me, even though I’m sick with Covid. We’re going to have to have a very unpleasant conversation, one where I think I’ll have to stop supporting them monetarily. She tends to go to an extreme fast, that she is sorry for bothering me, she will stay out of my life completely.

    We all know she and my dad don’t have many years left. I don’t want things to be bad, and for me to regret not being on good terms when they die, and to regret not spending more time with them. But when we get close she feels comfortable enough to tell me not to marry my girlfriend, and to find someone else. So I feel like I have to push away. Then there are money issues, and my drug addict brother they’re supporting…

  43. Man I got cooked for my flags yesterday lol. Message received. I even had them theme coordinated by room and I’d switch them out. WW1, Napoleonic, obscure colonial, anti Russian.

    Though my second instinct is to get old maps of Philadelphia and battlefields framed and hang them up everywhere so that’s probably not much better. I moved in with my brother and every wall had posters of his favorite band so they were empty otherwise when he moved in with his gf, now fiancee

    I’ve had the NATO flag up in my bedroom for like a decade, is that too much?

    A friend of mine in college had a wall sized cloth map of 8th Air Force bombing campaigns in Germany and to this day it is the coolest thing I have ever seen – and I’ve held one of the gold plated AKs the US stole from Saddam’s palaces

  44. In your late 30s, how long into seeing someone (often) for you to DTR/know if you want to give them a proper shot?

  45. Sorry if this is the wrong place for this. Spending a majority of my time at medical appointments and running errands doesn’t leave much space left for anything else… but as time goes on I am just more and more desperate for some friends and a partner and some touch

    Not sure how to get out of this spiral.

  46. Recently went on my first date in months (after a long break from the apps). I’ve since told him I don’t feel a connection, but the truth is that while I can see that he is a generally decent chap and conversation was “okay” though awkward at times, I just cannot move past how he chewed his food with his mouth wide open, jaw swivelling. I feel terribly superficial about this, but the thought of having another meal with him invokes some feelings of dread. Sigh.

Leave a Reply