I'm horrible at confrontation (shut down, cry, don't say what's really on my mind) and he's a complete narcissist (never his fault, silent treatment, doesn't really listen). How do we communicate in order to save this marriage?!
We've been together for 20+ years and married for a big chunk of that. I was a teenager when this started (I think that's an important fact) he was early 20's. I had dated several guys before and never dated (again I think this is important). Things were of course great in the beginning, but have been going down hill the last 15 years.
Oof, here's my attempt at making this long story, short!
He had zero game. No clue how to be romantic, affectionate, kiss, etc. This guy was the good looking, jock, that just "knew" every girl wanted him, yet "had no time for that" because he was so focused on being the pro-athlete one day. Once that didn't happen, he discovered online chat rooms. Yep, we're that old lol. Anyway, that's how we met.
Went on with our lives and I just kind of went with the flow because he was older, good looking, my ticket to move out once I hit 18. Score!
Fast forward to when things start getting rocky. He starts getting friendly with girls. I tell him it makes me uncomfortable. He tells me how crazy and jealous I am. Constantly tells me how beautiful and good looking every model, actor, client, etc. I tell him how insecure and hurt that makes me feel, especially since he never compliments me (only tells me my boobs are huge, butt is nice, blah blah blah). He continues to tell me how psychotic, jealous, insecure I am. His form of affection has always been to hug – then grab butt. Kiss – then grab boob. Walk by me – slap my butt. Wrap his arms around me while I'm in the kitchen – then grab a boob. I tell him I don't like that kind of affection. He tells me I'm being ridiculous. If I don't want sex, he asks me if I'm a lesbian. He talks all the time about how horrible other men are at talking to a woman. He always has the answer of what would "get them laid".
We've gotten into several arguments/conversations about what is going on. It always goes like this…
Him: what can we do to fix this?
Me: I don't know (I told you I suck at confrontation!)
Him: you never want to do anything sexual.
Me: I didn't like when you always grab my butt and boobs.
Him: you never initiate anything anymore. You used to be affectionate.
Me: you're right, I don't know why.
Him: so what do we do?
Me: I'm not sure. I do wish we would go on dates, we never do that.
Him: why would I go on dates with someone who never even shows me affection?
Me: 🥹
Him: start showing affection and maybe I'll want to do more things.
Me: I wish you'd stop staring at your phone 24/7
Him: you do it too
Me: I really don't like when you give me the silent treatment when you're mad instead of talking about it.
Him: you just never want to talk, period. I feel like I'm talking to a wall.
Me: ðŸ˜
What ends up happening? A few days of awkwardness. Things go back to normal. Nothing ever changes.
20+ years in, I start researching. Trying to figure out what's wrong with me. Why do I want affection and love, but don't want it from him? Why do I love hugs and kisses from my own children, but don't want them from him? Why do I see other couples showing affection in public and desperately want that? Are they faking it? Because I never get that kind of attention in public. My husband walks as if he doesn't know me in public. Talks to me like I'm an annoying little sister that's just tagging along. What the hell is wrong with ME?!
Not even kidding… This is what I was trying to find out.
You know what research lead me to???
Huge lightbulb moment.
It's not (just) me.
Now I was stuck with all this info and realization but literally no courage to talk to him about him. JUST recently I finally hit send on a text (took about a week of back and forth negotiating with myself) with a link to an article about the "bristle effect". In my mind, it described us to a T. Holy hell… I just figured out why I'm the way I am! After years and years of only getting "sexual affection", I now flinch whenever he even gets close to me. Totally makes sense! Obviously there's other issues too, but this was a start, right?! Waited for his response. Hoping and praying it sunk in and became a lightbulb moment for him too. Didn't happen. Instead I got "you never take accountability, we rarely have sex as it is, you never initiate affection, and now you want me to pull back? I'm the only one that tries. I've been rejected for years. Oh great, now there's a term for it, so that makes it ok".
Sigh.
Help.