I’m a woman in my early 40s. Been dating a guy in his mid 30s for a while. Things were pretty casual for the first few months – saw each other about once per week, didn’t talk every day. For the last few months, things have been more serious – we see each other multiple times per week, sometimes stay at each other’s places for a few days in a row, travel together, hang out with each other’s friends, text multiple times per day, etc.
We had a conversation about exclusivity, and he said he is not dating anyone else (I can’t imagine he would have much time for it since I see him most of the time that he’s free), and he isn’t on any dating apps, but he also said he’s afraid of commitment and should probably get some therapy to figure out why it freaks him out. (My personal guess is it may have something to do with the fact that he moved a LOT as a kid and probably felt like he was always leaving people when he got close to them, but that’s just a guess). I asked him if it would (hypothetically) bother him if he found out that I was sleeping with someone else if we aren’t exclusive, and he admitted that he wouldn’t feel great about it. We are planning to have a follow-up conversation about all of this, but just haven’t had the chance yet.
We saw one of his female friends recently when she was visiting – she said that he talked to her about how great I was for an hour the night before, and that she’s never known him to date anyone or talk about anyone like that. His last relationship was about 8 years ago. All of his family members know about me and his mom has told him that she wants to get to know me (I haven’t met them because they don’t live near us).
How would you respond in this situation? A part of me feels like I should take someone at their word – if they tell me they’re scared of commitment, then I shouldn’t expect any exclusivity from them in the future. But another part of me feels like they are already acting like they are in a committed relationship in most ways, and everything else with us is great, so perhaps it’s fine to just let things continue even if the thought of actual committing to a relationship freaks him out a bit.
FWIW, I don’t care about getting married or having kids or any of the things that often come along with a “committed relationship.” I just want the security of knowing that he isn’t seeing anyone else when we aren’t together, and especially knowing that he isn’t sleeping with anyone else.