My (50f) husband (56m) is a perfectionist with a healthy dose of anxiety and ocd thrown in. He is an amazing person and husband in almost all respects, and I love him so much. But we have one issue that has been constant through our marriage (22 years) but seems to be getting worse and I don’t know what to do.
Husband is super smart. He used to work full time as a software engineer but his anxiety and perfectionism slowly took over and he ended up leaving his job. His employer pretty much begged him not to, but he couldn’t handle the stress he was putting on himself. We are fortunate that money is not an issue, he has an inheritance and does not need to work. If it matters, I work full time because I like my job.
He has since become a full time handyman fixing up our house. I don’t mind at all, I’m happy to have him do it! However, as time has gone on he has become more and more perfectionist and every project, no matter how insignificant, turns into a huge ordeal. Again, don’t normally care since he is busy and seems more or less content. But the latest project is fixing up a wood pergola. What started out as replacing a few rotted spots has turned into a months long project with no end in sight.
I’m sick of it, he’s been working on this for 4 months now and it is half deconstructed and looks like crap. I’m embarrassed to have friends over. I also really miss being able to enjoy my home and backyard (it is a giant construction site atm). He is literally unable to tell me how long he’ll take to finish this project, meanwhile other things in our house need attention and the scope of this particular project keeps growing. I wish I’d known how large this project would be, I’d have insisted that we just burn the current pergola and build a new one. But here was are.
So, I’m absolutely fed up. We have had so many conversations about this, he knows how I feel but is literally unable to stop until this structure is perfect. (And I am certain this pattern will continue, even once we achieve pergola perfection). I feel like this is becoming an undiagnosed mental illness but he will not seek help. I am starting to feel like I cannot live like this much longer. We are completely at the mercy of his absolute perfectionism. I don’t know how to put it into words but I just need this fixed, soon.
So, what to do? Talking with him has not gotten me anywhere. Are there mediators out there for marriages (not divorces)? I know we can do couples counseling but I’m not sure I can hang on that long. Also we tried counseling once before and it didn’t make much of a dent. Are there any other options that will have quick results? In hindsight, I know I should not have let things get to this point, but I can’t change the past.
4 comments
From what you’ve said, your husband needs help…and a lot of it. You may be right in that you can’t hang on for him to get the help he needs and see enough changes in your marriage.
That being said, if leaving is your primary option, talk to a divorce attorney about what you’re looking at in terms of property distribution, alimony, etc. and whether you can do the divorce pro se or if you’ll each need to hire a lawyer.
But you said divorce is out. Okay, fine, but you can’t have your cake and eat it too. Based on what you said, there is no quick way to improve your situation.
I mean, maybe you two can have some sort of “arrangement?” Like you stay married, but you get to have a side piece or something? But somehow I doubt that’s what you’re looking for. And if it is doable for you, I get the feeling it’s not something your husband would be okay with.
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LOL at this being solely his problem. Seems like maybe your “perfectionism” can’t handle the job being unfinished for this long? Maybe the process is therapeutic to him?
So. What’s he doing to manage his mental health problems? His anxiety was so bad he left the workforce. If that doesn’t scream mental illness that needs treatment, I don’t know what does.