Trigger warning – sensitive mental health topics included. Please be warned .
My bf is paranoid , depressed , anxious and insecure . Like I’m talking actually diagnosed , need to take high doses of pills regularly , cannot sleep more than 2hrs a night level .
He’s had a rather bad childhood and a bad school life. He was bullied , jeered and taunted at by his peers and classmates up until his young adult life and abused by his parents as well . This has turned him in to some who has quite a few psychological shadows and burdens that hunts him every day. He’s one of the most brilliant, intelligent, inspiring and talented people I’ve met in life. And I wish he would see what I see .
Now i understand I truly do how it can’t be helped , but some of side effects has been affecting our relationship in such a negative way I just am no longer able to stomach it anymore. My tolerance have reach hit the end of the barrel.
The problem for today? He feels anxious and paranoid when I went out to hang with my friends.
For context – I never leave the house much . I have a lot of responsibilities, a small but very hectic business to run and a little one with special needs to care full time .
I do NOT have time to myself. I would go months or even years just working and taking care of others religiously most of the time. This time my good friend from Uni flew over from Shang hai with his partner to meet me in my country. It’s been ten years since we saw each last. He is one of my oldest friends. We decided to have a small gathering and celebrate our reunion .
I told my bf I was making plans in advance. I told him in the morning itself as well that hanging out with them. I dropped an occasional text here and there through the day but with me playing tour guide to my friend’s group , I didn’t have time to text him like usual.i figured he would understand as I have already took the opportunity to talk to him in advance and prepare him. I also ended up texting him as soon as my friends and I parted ways . Followed it up with a good night text. Explain I’m exhausted and why and that I’ll call him or text him all about it once I’m rested.
Our usual texting interaction would be one where I have to text him throughout for the entire day non stop OR for at least 3-6hrs a day at a time non stop. It helps with his anxiety he claims.
He started posting those sad insta posts . Reposting relation ship reels where the influencer is saying things like “news flash , telling someone you miss them isn’t desperate, it means they matter. We have gotten so good at pretending not to care . We forgot how human it is to so we do ….bla bla bla” it goes on for a while.
The next post also same vibes – taking about being depressed and suicidal and how if he’s not distracted he might un alive himself.
On His insta notes he put a clown emoji etc.
Throughout all this I’m texting him occasionally still here and there ，with every few pauses in conversation.I’m not complete radio silent. I’m Asking him to run errands to keep him preoccupied. Telling him I’ll give him a whole play by play update about my outing with friends and of my day once I get home after I get some sleep first. It’s been a tiring day.
He continues moping and posting sad stuff. But not just any sad stuff but sad depressing stuff. Topics about unaliving. About how all he wants is just someone to care for him just a bit. He just want love and affection. How it’s not a bad thing to desire the company of your beloved partner. He starts posting self victimizing things as well .
At this point I am so done with it all.
I at one point in the past ,had stopped working completely and stayed by his side while he was at his absolute worst . I was by his side every day caring for him for nearly a 6 months STRAIGHT just to make sure he didn’t off himself when we were only FRIENDS and for goodness sake.
I think I’ve done more than just “giving a crumb of affection “ in this relationship when that was my standard of care for just friends.
Even this outing with my friend – I felt as if i took extra special care and precautions to prevent him from having anxiety and to feel communicated and included , and yet he still cannot help himself and he made it into me being the bad guy.
I have gone out ONCE in the span of maybe 2-4m now to meet a friend . Usually it’s just work and responsibilities , bf, my baby and sleep. Repeat cycle pretty much indefinitely.
This was also a special reunion for a old friend from abroad so I felt as if me going out to see them and spend time with them for just this one day instead of choosing to spend hrs texting or calling him the entire day was not me being mean or choosing to “abandon him”.
A single day of texting normally does not qualify in anyway as abandoning a relationship
When he gets negative he gets so paranoid too and starts thinking of all kinds of bad situations. For example – stuff like me gossiping with my friends about how much I hate him ( never happened EVER) , how everyone is making fun of him ( again never happen wth my circle. We were talking of our college years and focused fully on catching up. Never have happened before either ) . He starts imagining I’m cheating on him ( in all my years of life I’ve been cheated on – never cheated ) . He will even have his own mind come up with insults but in MY voice and MY image and have the worst crash out bc it ends up hurting him. I’ve never acted like this in any way shape or form. It’s all in his head.
Seriously. I well within my rights to have friends and spend time with my friends in PEACE for one day. Also just me going out to meet my good friend for a few hrs should NOT bring forth THIS much of an intense negative reaction. He needs to self manage and regulate at this point bc it’s not an issue caused by outside factors , this is an inner issue . I’m just so fed up and stressed.
I just feel as if this have ruined my entire day.
We are suppose to see one another in 3 days and fly out tgt for a month holiday . I kind of don’t want to see him if THIS is more of what I’ll be having to deal with. As much as I love him I don’t know if I can handle much more of this ‘owe is me’ BS without blowing up and telling him to F off
TL;DR : I didn’t spend my entire day on my phone talking to my bf like usual to lessen his anxiety because I went to a friend reunion gathering. Delayed telling him a play by play account of my day to get some sleep till the next morning. Now he’s depressed and “disappointed” making claims I completely ignored him for the day and posting “owe is me – poor me – pick me” energy posts to IG.
Update : you are all incredibly correct. I’m at the end of my patience anyways. This relationship is a colossal waste of my youth and time. I’m breaking up.