Me (39M) and my wife (39F) have what, from the outside, looks like a normal, happy family. We have three kids (15M, 11F, 6M). Both of us work full-time to keep up with the bills — but we’re not struggling financially. We share one bank account, split household responsibilities pretty evenly: I handle the practical stuff like house maintenance and bills, while she takes on the mental load like managing the kids’ schedules, clothes, and school needs.
But over the past 18 months, things have changed — and not for the better. Looking back, I think it’s a combination of:
1. No time for each other. Between work and the kids’ activities, we rarely have a free night.
2. No time for ourselves. Fitness and health have taken a backseat; we’re both overweight now, and she’s been through a tough battle with endometriosis (thankfully resolved).
3. My job loss. Work got very stressful, and then I was unemployed for nearly six months.
4. Her job stress. She’s taken on more responsibility at work and is constantly under pressure (In advised her not to do this I actually wanted her to do less work and at the time it wasn’t a financial issue.)
5. Family illness. Her dad has been fighting cancer (he is good now), my mother has had heart issues which has been emotionally draining us both.
And here we are now — we pretty much can’t stand each other. I know “hate” is a strong word, but it feels close to that. Everything the other does sets us off. We argue constantly, and when we fight, it’s not about resolving anything — it’s about winning. Intimacy is completely gone: no handholding, no cuddles, and the only sex we have is either “maintenance” or drunken sex… which often gets avoided because she’ll start an argument before we get home.
After our last argument, I’ve been considering moving into the spare room. We’ve both said out loud that this isn’t working and that maybe we should separate. Honestly, I feel like we’re only together for the kids. I don’t think the tension has deeply affected them yet — there’s no abuse or anything like that — but it’s definitely not a healthy environment.
I want to stay together. I want us to be happy — together if possible, but apart if that’s what it takes. For me, there are some non-negotiables if we’re going to fix this:
1. Prioritize our health and ourselves. Quit smoking, eat better, move more, get proper rest, and take time to do things we enjoy. We both need time for ourselves away from this.
2. Put our marriage first. She does so much for others — friends, extended family, everyone — but we need to prioritize us. If we can reconnect, I think the intimacy will naturally follow.
3. Get professional help. I know this won’t get better without outside support.
The problem is… she seems checked out. We’ve had these conversations multiple times. I’ve been clear about my dealbreakers, but nothing changes. We keep cycling back to the same place. That’s why I think counseling is critical — but I can’t make her want it.
I don’t want my family to fall apart. I want to save my marriage. Is this too much to ask? How do I approach this when I feel like I’m the only one still fighting for us?
EDIT: I got some comments 🙂 Lots of it was not what I wanted to hear but needed to! So thanks for that. I’m definitely rethinking the situation, especially non-negotiables… and that’s kind of what I was hoping for from this post that people would provide advice from their experience rather than critique how we got there, although I understand it’s important to see how we got there to stop happening again and make change.
I’ve learnt a lot from posting… you need to be really accurate with the post or people will take it apart like it’s black and white when life isn’t black and white.
Just want to clear up the kids vs house stuff. It isn’t a clear black and white situation, maybe I could have done a better job explaining. We both do stuff each way. E.g. I do the after-school activities, I do bedtimes (50/50). I’ll do the kids’ washing and cleaning, where she does the organising days out with the other parents and birthday parties, or school uniforms – again these are just example with 3 kids I cannot list them all, neither of us are sat down while the other one is up doing something. Also while I was off I did a lot more kids as I had the time… full on home husband and it was great and things improved for temporary period