My husband and I met in college when we were 18/19 and have been inseparable ever since. We were each other's firsts in many ways (first relationship, first kiss, first love, lost our virginities to each other… you get it) and ended up getting married very young at 23. We are 32 and 31 now. On paper, life is great. Great careers, a dog and a cat that we adore, beautiful home, etc. We love each other deeply, but after intense couples therapy, we both recognize now that we attached to each other so early on in life due to our childhood traumas. We both wanted stability and found that in each other. Since it's been over a decade, it's really hard to break the codependency.
No one in our circle knows this, but we started going to therapy after he had an inappropriate relationship with a woman from our church (28F). There is so much context to this, but he first developed a close friendship with her which seemed fine to me. Then, he was constantly texting her, seeking her out, wanting to hang out alone with her… Turns out he was in limerence with her and it was unreciprocated (from what I know and was told). I love him so much that I was willing to do whatever to keep our marriage intact. We went to counseling each week for almost 2 years and I set aside my emotions so that we could focus on him getting better. He was institutionalized for suicide ideation after she rejected his friendship and told him not to contact her anymore. No one knows this and it feels as though we've kind of swept it under the rug at this point. I've suppressed my emotion for so long that it feels like it didn't happen to me. We are about a year removed from the situation and he is doing much better as far as his psychological issues.
He was promoted at work, so we recently had to move and no longer see our therapist. But since he/we were doing so well, it really felt like a good time to end our sessions anyway. He has become much more confident, happy, considerate, and is forthcoming about his feelings. An all around great husband and partner. It was easy to move on from what had happened because he was able to turn it around so quick. A part of me is so happy for him but also… It's getting much harder to ignore my pain. No, he didn't cheat, but it was still a betrayal. I can't form emotional intimacy with him and I no longer feel attracted to him. We've built this life together and plan fun activities, enjoy hobbies together, but I stay awake most nights for hours wondering why I even stayed. I feel pathetic. The obvious answer is couples therapy (again), but I don't want to. I want out. Every fiber in my being is telling me to run. I no longer want to be married. I tried suggesting we separate because I feel unhappy, but that conversation blew up in my face. He said he is nothing without me and would sooner die (kill himself) before going through a divorce. I don't know what to do. I want to reach out to his mom but honestly, where would I even begin?
TLDR: Husband had an unhealthy obsession with a friend. We moved on after intense therapy, but I hate myself for staying.
34 comments
LOL it was more than limerence if she told him not to contact her again. He did or said something weird to her. If you want out, get out. It’s that simple. He choices are his choices and you have no more control over it than you could control him falling in “limerence” with this woman.
How on Earth were you going to counseling for 2 years for him having an emotional affair, and your pain and emotions never came up once?
Get a better couples counselor. Oh my goodness
“We went to counseling each week for almost 2 years and I set aside my emotions so that we could focus on him getting better.”
Why? Why aren’t you showing up in your own life? Why didn’t you go to counseling yourself alone to talk about how his betrayal hurt you?
Neither one of you can be in a real relationship with the other with you hiding your feelings and experience about this.
Go to counseling. Alone. Show up for yourself. Figure it out. Leaving him is an option. But denying yourself is not an option.
Threatening self harm is a form of emotional abuse, sometimes called coercive control.
He healed. Your marriage didn’t.
Tell his mother the suicidal ideation is back and return to therapy, on your own, to help you navigate this. You may want to consider couples therapy, but be clear with the therapy you’re done, and this is about managing the separation, him accepting the reality without harming himself, and not about preserving the marriage.
I don’t know what “limerence” means in this context. What you’re describing is an emotional affair.
You say you’re “doing so well” but also you’ve completely suppressed your emotions, aren’t attracted to him, and can’t form emotional intimacy with him. You don’t want to be married anymore. Your self-esteem is shattered. You’re done.
He’s emotionally blackmailing you by threatening suicide. You are not responsible for his actions. If you want to separate, separate. If he threatens himself, call his family or friends or your local crisis line and let them handle it. You are not and cannot be the guardian of his life. He cannot trap you into staying in a marriage you want to leave.
Sometimes we just want to practice devotion. You’re not a bad person for trying to stay and deciding you want out. You’re also allowed to leave and find someone who will reciprocate your devotion. Don’t hate yourself. Give yourself permission to change your mind and do something different. Good luck 🤍
You need to take care of YOU. The reason you don’t want to be intimate with your husband is because he emotionally betrayed you. She might not have been responded to his advances but it’s still a form of cheating.
You need to have someone else manage his suicidal ideation issues. You cannot do this all yourself and within a vacuum. I’ve talked multiple friends off the ledge and it emotionally drained me. And yes, it did impact my relationship with them because you give so much emotionally and you may not be getting back some level of support from them.
In your case, you’re supposed to be in a partnership. And it’s always been you taking care of him. HE betrayed YOU but all the healing has been focused on HIM. You can only give so much emotionally before you’re drained.
Plus you haven’t shared YOUR needs with anyone due to your fear of his self harm. Couples counseling hasn’t helped YOU because it’s been focused on HIM. And you mention that you haven’t shared this with anyone else. So you’re in a situation where you are emotionally isolated AND being emotionally abused (his suicidal ideation is a form of abuse and manipulation).
What you are feeling is perfectly natural when you’ve been isolated and emotionally abused.
So get support for YOU. And he needs to work on his co dependency issues that are causing him to threaten self harm every time you can’t support him.
Good luck.
What you have here is not a marriage and is no longer even a relationship….
It’s an extreme codependency and a very unhealthy one for you in particular…
I get why you would have tried to fix it rather than leave because you’ve never actually been on your own and he’s all you’ve known since the age of 18… a move like this is terrifying under the circumstances… but you need to sit and take a look at the alternative, and also look at exactly what has happened here…
Your husband became infatuated with another person outside of your marriage, so much so that he threatened suicide when she rejected him…
He didn’t once think to himself that the decent thing to would’ve be to end the marriage before pursuing this other person he’d become obsessed with….
No, he decided to keep you there and see how far he could get with this other person…
What would have happened in this story if she didn’t reject him? Where would that have left you?
So instead of both of you equally trying to repair the damage, you spent 2 whole years ignoring your own feelings and attending therapy to try and “heal him”…
Trauma and hurt like this never stays buried for very long, now that it’s finally hit you and you’re (rightfully) angry and disgusted with him, he’s once again threatening “suicide” and making it all about him…
I’m sorry girl, but it’s about time you quit pandering to his every need and start thinking about yourself…
You are 31 years old – you are young and have the possibility of being happy, either on your own or eventually with someone else – staying in this isn’t an option – you need to rip the bandaid off and ignore his emotional blackmail – he doesn’t give a sh!t about anyone but himself. Get out
I have two Oxbridge degrees and my dumb ass apparently doesn’t know wtf “limerence” is, can someone explain cus from this it just sounds like a straight up (at minimum) emotional affair
He emotional cheated and betrayed your trust. Counselling should have included discussing your feelings about the emotional affair and his obsession with another woman. Sounds like you’ve fallen out of love with him and that’s ok because you don’t have to stay with him. Life’s too short to stay with someone you don’t love who cheated on you, see a counselor and maybe consult a lawyer to discuss your options on how to proceed with a separation and likely divorce. There are consequences to cheating on your partner and losing them is the biggest one which is why it’s usually a secret. Good luck, you deserve better
Edit: it’s abusive to threaten suicide when your partner wants to leave, he’s not a good partner
There is a word for this- where the cheated on spouse who stayed, realises their worth and wants out years later
It took 2 years for your husband to get over a woman who didn’t even want him, you then spent the 2 years taking care of him although- it was him, who poured the gasoline on all your lives – then he cries suicide when he has to deal with the consequences of his actions. He is a master manipulator. No one would blame you if you chose yourself and walked towards better. This isn’t living. This is a prison and he is holding you all captive, while calling it love.
Ummm, how about tell him what you wrote as many times as it takes to sink in. Then stop attaching bs narratives to why you’re together. We’ve been co-dependent for over 35 years. There are ebbs and flows to all relationships. Talk. Constantly. Share openly. Hold each other accountable. If one stops trying, gives up completely and doesn’t care; walk away. Go make memories.
I’m guessing that when you say you went to counseling, that it was with a pastor or church leader? Your husband was unfaithful to you. He tried desperately to break his vows to you ad when she wouldn’t let him, he became suicidal. Are you pressured not to tell your friends and family or do you expect them to just want you keep up appearances? If your family or councilor places any blame at your feet for wanting to leave then leave them. You don’t deserve this and if you have a trusted friend, tell them EVERYTHING.
Your husband didn’t have “limerence,” he developed feelings for another woman and attempted to have a relationship with her, which is why she broke off the friendship. He had an emotional affair (cheating) and he attempted to have a physical affair.
Limerance is an interesting concept isn’t it. Almost like a way for someone to say they had no control over what was happening and the other half of the couple would be cruel to leave the person due to their mental health disorder. I’d be ticked too if my husband had an emotional affair, propositioned the woman, been rejected, been found out after said woman told me and then had to sit through couples therapy being told he couldn’t help himself. Add in having suicide hung over my head like a sword of Damocles and I’d have mentally checked out of the relationship and be ready to leave as well!
You have a right to your feelings. Get individual therapy from a registered psychologist. Invest in yourself so you can move forward.
If you went to church therapy, you need a REAL therapist. That’s first. But there is a reason most relationships that start in your teens never work out no matter how long they last. You aren’t the same people you were before, and forcing a relationship that isn’t working or making you happy just delays the inevitable. From someone who divorced my teen relationship, first everything, partner of 20+ years. We are so much happier as family and friends than we ever were as romantic partners.
It sounds like the relationship is unhealthy. No one should threaten suicide if you live. It also sounds like the social situation at church is kind of toxic….like yeah why would you want to have to keep “this secret”.
1) Go to therapy for yourself. Your feelings are valid as well, you know?!
2) If you want out, it’s your right to do so. You deserve to be happy, and be with someone you love and desire.
3) If you are concerned about the suicide attempt, call his mom, tell her the full story, and let her know she needs to come to your house to talk to him.
Leave everything ready for when she comes, and tell her “He threatened to kill himself. I didn’t want to leave him alone, but now that you are here, I am leaving, and this is no longer my responsibility.”
And leave. Or make him leave with her.
4) Talk to a lawyer, it will help a lot as well.
OP, I just want to throw this out there, but not only do you need to go to therapy/counseling for yourself, but please go to a non-religious based service. I’m concerned that you and your husband attended faith based counseling, especially with so much attention focused on him (some of it rightly so) but also since you seemed to get so little out of it as much of religious based counseling of couples is focused on preserving the marriage-no matter what. Please consider a different type of counseling/therapy for yourself going forward.
You would begin at the beginning. He’s manipulating your emotions and love for him bc if you pity him or are worried for his health/well being then you have less time to expect him to have any accountability for his actions or take responsibility impact his actions had on your marriage/you.
He absofuckinlutely cheated on you! He emotionally cheated on you and often thats worse and more hurtful than a physical affair.
When a person with whom you’re in a romantic or familial relationship threatens suicide, the only healthy answer is: “I’ll call in a mental health well-check for you, but I will not be held hostage by your threats to self-harm.” And then follow through.
I honestly believe you both need individual therapy + couples therapy. You need to navigate the feelings you’ve been smashing down into the boiler before making an ultimate decision. The part where you’ve withheld your deepest pain is, honestly, on you. If you truly believe you have all this goodness around you, give it a shot.
You deserve to be happy. You are not obligated to stay in a marriage where your pain is ignored or where you are actively unhappy. I am giving you permission to, for once, care about your own feelings and do something that is not about someone else.
You’ve sacrificed enough on the altar of being a good wife. You’re allowed to be happy. Talk to a lawyer. Talk to your own therapist. Move on from this morass of pain.
Your husband is a POS human being.
First, even if he didn’t cheat, he was all willing to kill himself over that other woman???
I am sorry bub, but this is too much.
I’d walk like yesterday. I am a man and would not tolerate such a thing.
You’re so young! You still have so much exciting life ahead of you to live! Don’t waste it on this guy. And be KIND to yourself! You need to love yourself enough to leave. You deserve love and peace and most of all respect.
Your husband sounds super manipulative and it seems like everything in your marriage is centered on him and what he wants.
Break up with him. When he threatens suicide, have him held on a suicide hold. So much the better if he threatens it via text or another easy method but definitely let him show symptoms of instability and have him TDOd.
Let professionals handle his mental health and you handle yours.
OP. You do not need to “hate yourself for staying”.
Your husband threatening suicide to get you to stay is pure manipulation. That is not “an all around great husband and partner”.
You need out. You get out. If you’re truly concerned for his mental health, alert his other support people on your way out the door.
But being manipulated into staying by someone who was not faithful to you, when you truly feel so deeply the need to go, is not the answer.
I am so sorry girl. This is really really difficult. I can understand how much you love this man. And I can understand why you delayed your own personal pain.
I can very much see that I’m like you personality-wise.
I had a very similar thing happened to me. My husband betrayed me with a person from church as well. He was giving this “needy” woman tons of financial help while we are middle class and have debt. Nothing sexual ever happened. (She is not attracted to men)… But to “repay him” she started to bolster his idea that our marriage problems were all my fault. She actually went so far as to start to alienate my 17-year-old son from me.
This all became reality on our security cameras. They literally stood in front of them and started to gossip and reveal their agenda.
I homeschooled my boy. I was a stay-at-home mom for his whole life. I never did anything that would warrant any sort of alienation. But she convinced my husband that she knew I was “a Martha” and crazy.
If you are this done with your marriage, you need to get out. If he threatens suicide, call 911 or his family. He doesn’t get to manipulate you into staying. He’s the one who broke the relationship. Don’t cave to emotional blackmail.
He’s an emotionally manipulative dirtbag. He threatens suicide if you leave him? Isn’t that exactly what he did to the chick he had an emotional affair with? The only reason he didn’t leave you is because she rejected him.
You have said “no on knows this” a lot in your post. Sounds like you are pretty isolated. If you are involved in a church then you should understand the value of community. You are currently missing that. I don’t mean airing your business to the world but someone trustworthy in your life should be walking alongside you on this.
Get solo therapy if you can find it and afford it. But also, you need friends that aren’t your husband or your husband’s friends. And he needs a part of his life that is separate from you as well.
You are a 100% different person at 30 than you are at 18. That alone is an okay enough reason to get divorced. You have an even more valid reason than that.
You call it limerence but that’s a nice way to say emotional affair. Start calling it the ugly name and don’t soften the blow. You haven’t learned this yet… when you are cheated on, it PERMANENTLY changes who you are. You can forgive him and stay together but BOTH of you must acknowledge and live with this new reality. He has to understand the depth of pain that his unrequited emotional affair inflicted on you and that it is his fault that you will always carry pain from it.
One more thing, if he threatens suicide if you leave, DO NOT STAY BECAUSE OF HIS THREAT. It is a manipulative, destructive thing to say to blackmail a partner. If he did kill himself, it would be horrible but not your fault. Never stay with a man who tries to manipulate you like this. He is responsible for himself.