So me and my friend knew each other since we were in senior high and now we're both in 2nd year college. I was the type of person who didn't really thought much about deep friendships since I saw it as a "come and go" relationship. However, I was still considered the "therapist friend" if ever a friend opens up to me. Of course I'll listen but I myself was scared to share some stuff about myself cause I always thought that I was the "listener" and never the "listenee" (You'll see how relevant this will be later). When I first met her, I thought it would be one of those cases where after we graduate highschool, I won't be seeing her again. Then she just kept messaging me during summer vacation. I was confused at first but then as it went on, we were practically messaging each other everyday: daily updates on our activities, chats about the silliest and most mundane things. It essentially became one of our everyday routines.
First year college and we saw each other at campus almost daily and our friendship deepened. She opened up to me and for the first time, I opened up to her too. I was so happy to finally let my walls down around someone and for once, someone can actually see me.
Then the issues started. We're both academically inclined people, the type to crash out after only getting 1 thing wrong on a quiz so imagine what would happen if one of our grade's are dipping down the line of failing (college really was a culture shock compared to highschool). When that happened to her, she goes silent; short chats, one word replies, doesn't initiate conversations unless you start it. It made me panic.
She used to almost cling to me, even admitted that "she had dependency issues" but now she goes cold on me without any responses? I won't act innocent: I also have my owe issues and I tend to overthink stuff whenever it came to her. "She's not chatting as often. Maybe she forgot about me? Did I do something?" When I had enough, I confronted her about it. She apologized and said that she felt like "I was abandoning her" (she also admitted to abandonment issues) because / wasn't chatting as often. Yes, I got scared at some point because I realized how this was the first time I ever felt this way around someone and I was scared of co-dependency developing on my end too. But I was still chatting her. Sure not as often but I was still chatting to the point that made it feel like the relationship became one sided because / was the only one initiating conversations with her. Well, we talked, we set up boundaries, and thought that it was over by then.
During our talk, I asked her to do some initiating too and also that I don't like it when she's chatting other people on her phone while we both made plans to hang out together. It just makes me feel like even with her physically beside me, she's not present with me. She's not the only one who's going to be affected by her actions now, I pointed out. I asked her to talk to me or give me a heads up if she doesn't want to talk so I won't be stuck second-guessing. At first, we kept to our promises but then she fell back on them and I felt even shittier than ever. I began to hate her. When I saw her smiling with other people, it made me so angry. Angry at the fact that she had this much power over me even when she didn't even seem to give as much care towards me. I don't think she even knows the effect she has on me.
It's our 2nd year now and we no longer chat daily. We barely see each other anymore due to our conflicting schedules and I'm trying my best to forget about her when maybe she doesn't even seem to worry that much about me and just worries about her own academics. I just think it so unfair. How can she be so happy and seems to have already forgotten about me after everything I did for her while I'm here just tormented at the thought of her. Whenever I pass by her classroom, my heartbeat suddenly picks up and I couldn't breathe. Sometimes, I just wish I never even met her in the first place. Sure I had my walls up but I was happier back then. Not this mess.
I want to know if it ever stops. Will I ever stop thinking about her and finally retake my life? Is there any way I can move on from this? Can I move on from this? This is an extremely condensed version of our history and I would be glad to add anything if you have any questions. Thank you so much for reading. This has been bothering me for so long and I just wish for the hurt to stop.
TL;DR: I've been friends with someone since senior highschool and, for the first time, I opened up to her. Then college came and she has the tendency to go silent when stressed and that made me overthink until I was the only one initiating stuff and it made the relationship feel one sided. Even after talking about it with her and setting boundaries and promises, she slipped back to old habits and it makes me spiral. I feel lonely and left behind while she seems to be happy with others. We barely talk now or see each other and I just wish I never trusted her in the first place.