I'm a virgin, and I'm 22 years old. I'm well aware that I have everything in place from a social perspective. I have a socially important job, hobbies, and other things that make me a worthy member of society. However, there's always a "but." Sometimes, my hormones drive me crazy due to my lack of sexual experience. Masturbation doesn't help; it often exacerbates my inner turmoil and insecurities. It's hard for me to accept my body because I'm not sexy at all (I'm chubby and hairy), and no woman, either in real life or online, has ever seen any romantic side to me in my entire life. I've come a long way from my youthful, blind misogyny and frustration, to having a deep respect for the women in my life. However, this has led me to a new type of frustration, as I now feel unworthy of anything. The men around me are better, smarter, without impostor syndrome, more confident, and simply bolder. They have a relationship, they have intimacy. And I'm like on the fringes of this love world.
And women only see me as a colleague, at most a friend. I've spent my entire life settling on the idea that love is unconditional and that I will find it. That it will bring about the discovery of my sexuality. However, there is no love in my life, and it is painful. I feel as if I have missed out on everything emotional that makes an adult an adult. I recently tried new ways of expressing my sexuality, but it only made everything in my head worse. Sexting and other things feel like a cope. Masturbating with sex toys while chatting with girls on video (all voluntary and extremely respectful) only made them block me because of how much I was worried, which caused me to finish quickly and my penis to fall quickly. And the longer this goes on, the more faith I loose in myself. It's affecting my entire lifу. Fatigue is affecting my work (I'm a teacher, and my job is social and emotionally draining, but now I'm dealing with all these emotions that have been overwhelming me over the past week. It's making me ineffective). The cope methods don't work. That's why I want to talk about it with someone real. I'm a pretty introverted person who usually deals with emotions on my own. It's been poisoning me from the inside, and I've only realized it now. I want to discuss this experience without being rejected. In the society I live in, sexuality is not a topic that's commonly discussed, so I needed to express it in some way. Thank you for your attention and understanding, and I'd love to hear your thoughts on my situation. Maybe there is a way out, and it's not just about creating cope mechanisms, alcohol, and side activities?