I unintentionally became pregnant earlier this year, which ended up being ectopic, so I needed surgery to end the pregnancy. I will state now, that even if this was a potentially viable pregnancy, I still would have aborted it without hesitation, losing a fallopian tube with the surgery is actually a great bonus for me (just need the other gone soon).
A couple weeks ago I was with my partner visiting his family, along with his mum in her home country. I've been a couple times before and thought it would be great to see everyone again, but it was almost as soon as I walked in I got some odd stares from the older women in the family. Everyone was still "nice" towards me but some people did seem a bit more distant and less talkative with me as they had been previously. His mums family do all speak English (at varying levels), but when they're talking amongst themselves they use their native tongue, but everytime they were huddled in a group, I kept feeling eyes on me.
One night we were all drinking and playing cards when an aunt came up to me and said something along the lines of "I couldn't have done what you did, children are a blessing" after asking what she meant and her rambling some more about morals and babies and blah blah blah, it was clear she was referring to the abortion. I quickly left and went up to the room I was staying in and messaged my partner to ask if he had told anyone. He popped up to the room shortly after and said he had only told his mum, I just told him to leave the room and laid in bed to cry.
I was always under the impression that something as personal as an abortion, whether medically necessary or not, shouldn't be something to just share with other people. I'm the sort of person that won't tell a soul anything personal that has happend to me, even if I got married I wouldn't want anyone to know, and my partner knows that about me. It's the last thing I'd want shared, especially knowing how judgmental people are on the subject.
My partner is the type of person to tell his mum everything but he knows his mum and her friends are all gossips, she gets told anything and suddenly everyone one of her friends in several different countries know as well. He told me an instance of when something really traumatic happened to him at university, he told his mum who then told everyone, I can only imagine how he felt when that happend (especially after the unhelpful comments his father made on the situation) I thought he knew better than to mention something like this.
I'm so angry and upset at him for telling, I know any relationship with his side of the family is gone, they're not all religious but they definitely are traditional, I can't go back again knowing that they know and will always judge me for it, in this case I would have bled to death if I didn't get an abortion (which seemed to be a key part of the story that apparently was lost in translation), but even if that wasn't the case I'm sure he still would have told her.
In the end I took his card and booked a flight home the next day. I dont think I can trust him again and I'm so lost at what to do next.
44 comments
You’re right to be mad. This was your story to tell, and when he told it, he didn’t even get all the details right. It’s a betrayal certainly.
I get that he and his mom are close, and sure… but if she’s a gossip, he should have known this would happen. I’d be furious.
Wow sucks. You know he does this so it shouldn’t be a surprise but he’ll do it again of course. That’s too personal to share. He should have kept his mouth shut. Totally ruined your relationship with his family I guess. But seriously did he tell her u could have died if u didn’t have it? It’s not like you could have kept it at all. People are just so not understanding consequences.
I mean you say you can’t trust him anymore (which fair, I wouldn’t be okay with that in a partner either), so if you truly feel that way then it’s pretty clear that you need to break up with him.
If you think there’s a chance that his reasoning could let you forgive him, then ask him why he shared it with his mother? Between him knowing you are a super private person and that she’s a gossip, all the explanations I can think of are pretty self centered, but regardless you can make your decision based on that information.
Side note: but did you mean that you would get married but would refuse to tell people you got married? Because if so, that’s pretty over the top on privacy.
Were you supposed to die? Literally, an ectopic pregnancy can kill you. It is not viable in any way. What were you supposed to do? What does his mother think would have been a good outcome here? Frankly your bf needs to learn to keep his mouth shut.
You would have died without that procedure, and the baby wouldn’t have lived under any circumstances. That wasn’t an abortion. That was a life saving medical procedure.
You did the right thing by leaving immediately. The only thing left to do is end your relationship completely.
Did he say anything after he realised how hurt you were or after you left?
Honestly, this should be where you break up. Trust is gone.
I don’t think there is anything much to do anymore.
He tells his mom everything. That’s just how it will be. Forever.
His family will always hate you for this.
You dying would have been a better outcome than you aborting the pregnancy. At least it would have been the god’s or whoever’s will, right?
What else is there to do?
There would be no saving the relationship for me. He told people when he had no right, and told someone he knew would tell others. Its clear at that his family is not ok with it, so he’s destroyed your trust and his families interest in his partner all in one go of things. He’s destroyed things here op not you. Leave and be done with him.
To be honest, I broke up with guys for much much less… Your bf is an idiot. Also his family seems very uneducated on such a basic things. Ectopic pregnancy is extremely dangerous for women and each hour counts!
I’m married for 12 years and I’ve never told my parents my husband’s medical conditions or diagnosis, even though my parents are very respectful, reliable and never gossip, I fully trust them. It’s a very personal information and I respect my husband’s privacy.
Wtaf?…
Honestly, it doesn’t matter if this was a surgery to remove a mole on your butt: it was a medical procedure. You are the one who gets to decide who gets that information and under what circumstances. The fact this was such a sensitive thing and so easily lost in translation makes that far, far worse, but him not stopping to think whether you needed to be consulted before sharing something that ultimately affects you on a much more visceral level than him is a real problem.
Has he acknowledged that he shouldn’t have done this for reasons other than you clearly being upset about it, and made an effort to sort out why he did it anyway to make sure it doesn’t happen again? If not, there’s no moving forward. If he has…well, you’re still entitled to feel the trust is irreparably broken and act accordingly, but that’s a place to start.
If you can’t trust your boyfriend to keep your personal business private then there’s not much to build a relationship on.
I wouldn’t ever trust him again.
yeah i’d cut ties
No you absolutely can’t trust him. Frankly it’s likely a relationship ender.
1. An ectopic pregnancy is not viable.
2. It is not an abortion. The medical field doesn’t not even consider it one.
3. It would have been fatal for you and the fetus.
That said I have no idea how he could repair this with his family and get past this; nor I don’t know how you could ever trust him again. All the signs of an emotionally immature spineless momma boy.
just an invasion of privacy tbh- you told your partner and he told his mom. what else is he telling her if he’s so brazen about that.
He should have called it a miscarriage and not an abortion. Regardless of what you would have done if it was a viable pregnancy you had no choice in this situation.
Your bf needs to explain this to his mother. 7ntil she understands tell him you are not returning to visit.
A giant screaming red flag! 🚩
Did he even defend you to this aunt? Probably not.
He knew this was personal and controversial. Does he tell you his mom’s private business. I bet he doesn’t. None of this information was anyone’s but your business.
There is no relationship without trust. Once it is broken this deeply, it is nearly impossible to get back to where you were. It takes YEARS. You will both keep trying, keep up appearances, something will remind you and the resentment will fester. Trust me. You can waste months/tears of your life trying to make this work. Honestly, your biggest regret will become how long it took you to end things.
Your boyfriend, partner or husband should be your safe place. The fact he shared such a deeply personal experience would be a dealbreaker for me. I’d never respect or trust him ever again!
I know you said you can’t leave the relationship eight now, but nows the time to start prepping to leave, unfortunately. The trust you had is gone, his family now dislikes you, he’s a mama’s boy that can’t keep his damn mouth shut. There’s no making this work unfortunately.
It was eptopic, it was literally impossible to carry. wtf is wrong with these morons?
Oh HELL No. No.
I would consider that an unbelievable betrayal of my privacy. How dare he, *especially* when he is well aware how such news would be interpreted by his family.
Sorry but it would be over for me. There is no coming back and even if there was… I’d expect him to grovel and explain to his family IN FRONT OF ME, SINCE YOU CANNOT TRUST HIM that this was an avoidable medical emergency and he was incredibly out of line.
But really? I’d never want to deal with his family again, regardless.
Unfuckingbelievable.
People forget sometimes that the fathers of unborn babies need a support system too. He told him mom because he needed to talk about it with someone other than you. My son did the same thing years ago.
It isn’t just your story. It’s his as well.
I would be furious. Your private medical information was not his to share. It being any kind of pregnancy does not make it community property of the relationship.
Personally, this would be a relationship ender for me.
I can believe that he meant no harm in telling her given his relationship with her, but it still did harm and that matters. He needs to stand up for you to his family. Telling his mom was a massive breach of your privacy and telling her knowing that she’s a gossip is just a stab in the back. He might not have had bad intentions but it was a moment of very bad judgment
He did all this and still doesn’t understand what he did wrong? I’d leave him
Im probably going to get downvoted to hell and back for this, but I think it needs to be said.
While you absolutely have the right to privacy and choose whether or not you share things with people, you aren’t allowed to choose that for him. It was his baby, too. Whether he wanted it or not, he’s still allowed to have feelings about it and when you add in that you were seriously ill and could have died, he’s allowed to talk to his mum about that part too.
Where this is a bit dicey is because she’s a massive gossip. But, she’s still his mum and that makes this really difficult. I am so sorry she told everyone and didn’t respect your privacy and even more sorry that his family treated you like shit because of that and he should be telling them all to mind their own business and not be judgmental dicks.
…..I’m furious with him for you.
I’m also just outraged with the way it was explained. Removing an ectopic is life saving treatment – they’re lethal if left alone. It’s not an abortion in the traditional sense of the word because this was never going to result in a baby.
Wtf. He knew she gossips, he’s experienced the consequences of her gossiping and misrepresenting the facts himself.
What an idiot.
Dump him. He tells everyone everything and they in turn do the same. They are a bunch of gossiping AH.
He told his mother something that he also dealt with. That outcome is not only your news to share. It’s not as if he posted it on social media for the world to see.
I would be furious. First off he doesn’t have a clue about female anatomy, while it’s technically an abortion, I would never use that word when talking about an ectopic pregnancy. It was a potentially “life saving surgery” that he had no business discussing with anyone without your permission. I’m sorry his family is so ass-backwards that they don’t understand that this never would have been a baby under any circumstances and if left untreated would likely kill you.
What did he have to say for himself? Did he actually explain the circumstances to mom? That would be a start I guess, but I’m not sure I’d want to stay in a relationship where my partner’s family is going to forever give me the side-eye. And if he can’t keep his mouth shut they’ll know about every argument, disagreement, big to-do in your lives. Not to mention, it sounds like you want to be child-free and this is going to be a never-ending topic if the subject of kids comes up. I’d be surprised if they haven’t already pressured you about “when are you going to have babies?!”
Tell them, and then break up with him.
I am so sorry. Seriously how much of an idiot is he that he didn’t even bother to confront his mother? I would not be able to trust him ever again. Saying the pregnancy would have killed both you and the baby is pretty clear. It’s also your personal medical information.
Sooo, he’s having a vasectomy, right?
,hb HH
To break off the echo chamber here. If you didn’t specify that it was a holy secret how was he supposed to know? Pregnancy loss affects both people. He would be affected to in his own way. Why was he not allowed to process it in the way he felt right? If you have not specified that it is a secret.
Also they will not judge you if you or he will explain it properly. No matter what country they are from ectopic pregnancies happen everywhere and they are treated the same way everywhere.
Just tell him to explain it to his mum and tell her that she created a lot of harm with her actions. And next time be more specific of what he can and cannot share with his mum. Of course you are valid for hurting but it’s more like miscommunication. He cannot read your mind.
Also it sounds like you do not want kids in the future if that’s the case maybe have a conversation with him so you both are on the same page.
Good luck <3
You deserve better and will eventually find better
I think the problem is that you used the word abortion so they didn’t process anything after that. You had an ectopic pregnancy which never survives and you had a tube removed. If your pregnancy had progressed, you could have died. So they heard the word abortion and were trying to judge and shame you.
The huge red flag is that your bf is a mama’s boy, and he felt comfortable with sharing your private medical info. without clearing It with you. This would be my hill to die on. Your bf can’t be trusted and is running to his mother as if what if you oroblem was fit for idle gossip.
If you need ask yourself if you want to be dealing with this kinda shit forever, because if he can’t keep this between you, what DO you expect for him to keep to himself?
It’s over. Dump him.
Girl, you need to get one thing straight. This was not an abortion. Ectopic pregnancies are rarely ever saved. They are considered a miscarriage and not an abortion.
It doesn’t matter what you would have done regardless. This was a miscarriage.
Now for the bf… my ex would tell his mom everything too. He would tell his grandma everything as well. I’m talking even intimate details of our sex life(I found out he was telling them that stuff towards the end of things). He shared personal medical information with them about me that was none of their business and he didn’t care. To him it was no big deal, even though it clearly was a big deal to me.
If he isn’t groveling for forgiveness and immediately altering his relationship with his mom, you need to consider if this is the right guy for you. You want and deserve someone that respects your privacy. If you stay, you need to be ready for him to share everything with her. You should be able to be transparent and honest with your partner, but when you can’t trust your partner to keep your lives private, you can’t be either of those things. That’s not a good relationship to be in. So I’d think long and hard on what you want and see what he’s willing to change and actually does change.
You’re wondering what to do next? Are you kidding me?
My girl your business is going to be in his mom’s ear for the rest of your life. If you want that for yourself then proceed.
Otherwise some things the trust is gone. Come on now. He’s not trustworthy.
Ok treatment of an ectopic pregnancy isn’t an abortion.
I think using that word makes it sound like elective procedure to intentionally remove a viable baby from your uterus.
And politics being what they are, both righties and lefties in office exploit this life threatening condition for their own purposes and rile up their base. “What about ectopic pregnancies!!!” “Not even ectopic pregnancies!!”
They call it “abortion” which, technically so is a miscarriage if we’re using medical terminology. But it’s colloquially used in place of elective abortion, and this was not that.
So his family needs to be clear here and so does he- this was life saving surgery. I’m so sorry you went through that. I’m so glad you’re ok.
That’s the response his family should be giving you.
And two- it is RUDE to speak a language in front of you (or anyone else) that you don’t understand. That is a big rule for the FMK’s here in my book, it’s number one- we speak English in front of the English speaking. Some kids speak a tribal dialect few people on the globe understand, and I get that it’s more comfortable and they feel at home. But it’s bad manners. Do it alone or not at all.
Last thing: your husband needs to understand that keeping confidences in a marriage is paramount. It harms trust to go outside the marriage with information your spouse didn’t ok.
I get that the situation happened to him too, in a way, and he was looking to get some support, but that should have been run by you. If he had a private medical situation happen you wouldn’t just go tell all your female relatives without speaking to him about it.
I’m so sorry about such a tough thing. Adding insult to injury with his family.
Blessings and peace to you.
With an ectopic (tubal) pregnancy, it’s not as if you had a choice in the matter. It’s a medical emergency, and if they didn’t perform the surgery, the tube would eventually burst and you would have died. The pregnancy was not viable. Your BF’s family assumed you had chosen to end the pregnancy because you didn’t want the baby, which is clearly not the reason why you had a medical abortion. (The fact that you did not want to have the baby and would have chosen to abort if it was a viable pregnancy is not relevant in this case.) Your BF betrayed your trust. He has a big mouth and can’t keep things between you confidential. You don’t just marry the man, you marry the whole family. He showed you what your future would look like if you stayed with him. Is that really what you want?