TLDR at the bottom. Throwaway account. My GF (32F) and I (31M have been together for 2 years, living together for 1, no children, just us. Our relationship has one big problem: She is completely deadset on us buying a house in the next few months when financially it cant work at all.
Currently, we live in an apartment that we can afford. Bills are split nearly evenly, with me getting about 60% and her 40% This all started one evening when she showed me her 401 (k) from her old job, and there's 20k or so in there. She tells me she wants to take out a loan from it to use that to put a down payment on a house and asked if i would match what she put down. I disagreed for many reasons but she has told me "I don't care, I'm tired of renting" The issue i have with this is
1.) Im swamped between work and am soon to be enrolled in grad school while also studying for professional exams for my career on top of doing about 80% of the household chores (Laundry, vacuuming, grocery/supply shopping, cooking, sweeping) Both of us are remote thankfully so i think it's a little easier to handle this, but it's gotten to the point where i am constantly doing shit and barely catch a breath. Finishing grad school and passing my exams will propel my career and help us afford the life we want in the future.
I've tried to be patient with her on this because she's been through alot (Past year her grandfather had some serious health issues that devastated her whole family, but luckily he's alive.) She's told me she's been feeling depressed on and off throughout the past year because of that (I've suggested therapy but she refuses to go) I think for her a house=we are successful and all her siblings/friends have their own house.
2.) Simply put as of right now, we can't afford it. I've told her that, financially, the smartest thing to do now, especially with the current market, is to save up as much money as we can, finish paying off our debt (She still has student loan debt, credit card debt, and is paying off her car, i've paid off my car but still am paying off student loans and expect more come grad school) THEN look into housing options afterwards, but it won't be a quick process. She doesn't get this, though. Alot of unfortunate events ate away at both of our savings (She was going through the finalization of a divorce when i had met her, and the attorney fees annihilated what money she had saved up to the point that i had to cover a few of the expenses) She also was very ill and out of work for a while on top of that with little to no savings, so i was the sole bread winner and that ate away even more of my savings. I'm at the end of my rope and not sure how to go forward without our relationship ending,
TLDR: GF is adamant on buying a house, thinks she'll be happier owning one despite financial struggles and won't budge on decision, feeling at the end of my rope
17 comments
You don’t seem financially compatible.
If she wants to get a house, then she can buy it herself, and you pay rent in the same amount of money that you are paying now. Go ahead and let her get started on the preapproval process so she can find out how much of a loan she qualifies for, and what the monthly rate will (and make sure she knows about the extra fees on the mortgage like escrow, taxes, and PMI (assuming you are American).
Have her do all the work and then have her come to you with discussions on how to make it work. If she wants this so much, she needs to have the numbers to back it up.
Honestly she’s an idiot and this should be a red flag.
20k is not enough of a downpayment most places. Most places won’t give you a mortgage if you take out a 401k loan because now you will owe BOTH the mortgage and the 401k loan.
She’s in her 30’s and only has 20k in her 401k? She’s massively behind on retirement. She should have twice that by 30. And she’s going to take it down to 0? AND pay taxes and penalties on it?
Tell her to move ahead on her own if she needs. But I would be concerned about a future with someone so financially dumb. She may just be ignorant, but she could just google “Can I use a 401k to buy a house?” And get her answer.
Withdrawing from your 401K at 30 is a bad decision unless completely necessary. 20k is nothing — even less once you pay taxes on it.
Maybe she would be interested in developing a five-year plan so that y’all can buy in the near future — but not now. Get that cc debt paid off ASAP. Pay off the car. Save up for a downpayment. Do not withdraw from retirement accts. It may not be glamorous, but it’s smart. Good luck.
These are significant relationship issues. She’s not being smart s out this and is trying to bully you into doing this. Just keep saying no. if it’s a deal breaker for her, maybe that isn’t such a bad thing.
I was in a similar situation to this. The best advice I got was that you should never go into buying something like a house with someone with whom you are not married. It is a relationship mine field and a detrimental amount of pressure. She would have to be the one buying the house, which it doesn’t seem like she is capable of doing on her own. Yeah, you could pitch in as if it were the same as “rent”, but what happens if the relationship goes under? What’s she gonna do then? That’s a lot of pressure for a relationship.
It is hard being in a relationship with someone with whom you are misaligned on something as important as finances and major life choices like buying a house.
Don’t buy a house with someone you’re not married to
>I’m at the end of my rope and not sure how to go forward without our relationship ending
Why would you want to continue in a relationship where you’re being held hostage by a financially unstable person? If she wants to buy a house, she can try to buy it on her own and move out. She knows she can’t afford a house on her own, so she’s trying to force your hand to get what she wants – regardless of how you feel or whether it’s advisable given her financial situation and the fact that you’re not married. (Standard PSA to never buy a house with someone who is not your spouse, especially when you’ve only been together for 2 years.)
For someone who has a very weak hand, she’s making some ballsy bets.
Just fyi you can’t take a loan out on a 401k from a job you don’t work at anymore. She can take the money out but then she’d pay taxes plus 10% penalty so she’s getting like 13k not 20k.
She needs to qualify for the house on her own, no gift from you.
Only one of you can be on the paperwork before you’re married. It’s just a nightmare waiting to happen otherwise.
Don’t do it
Home is where love is. A house doesn’t get you love. It’s a dream and a burden. I don’t think she even knows how much you have to invest into a house besides the mortgage. There are real costs: insurance, repairs, small maintenance, taxes & more. $20k in a 401k is much less when you have to pay taxes & penalties. A loan from a 401k will just make your debt ratio higher.
In other words, it’s just ignorant to ignore the reality of the situation.
Buying a house with someone who you are not married to, or even engaged to, is moronic. You’ve been together 2 years. You can’t afford it.
And you pay for the majority of bills AND do the majority of the work. You know who is going to end up buying that house for her? You.
Forget buying a house…I really think you should consider whether dating this woman is a great idea.
When my husband wants to spend money we don’t have, sometimes it works better to play along, “okay sure, let’s look into it” Go for pre approval, (it will get declined as you make sure you’re very honest about your financial position.) Tell her to look at houses, look at the cost, draft a budget and see how it looks. Even tell her to get a broker in, a third party can tell her facts. But be clear she has to pay for those items herself.
He sulks once he realizes we can’t afford it, but doesn’t buy the item and doesn’t blame me for being the bad guy always saying no…
From the comments, it seems like the big sticking point for her wanting to buy a house is she wants to be near her siblings, which makes sense she would be thinking about family more after her grandfather’s health issues. How far away do you currently live? Is there a way to arrange to see her siblings more while you work on building a more compatible financial future?
Vagina isn’t that rare or scarce of a commodity – particularly when being pressured to pull the trigger now at this juncture in your career and schooling – to go along with someone’s pathological need to have a house.
People like this often have parents in the wings who have beaten or driven this into their heads (and means they are probably still VERY influential in her decisions).
Start doing a future partner inventory – because this isn’t a good thing that she’s calling out your hand here.
Your arguments are valid, IMO. You could definitely do some numbers to try to convince her, but aside from that, with the amount of debt she already has, getting a mortgage might be kind of tough.
I would be very concerned about getting financially entangled beyond rent and usual monthly expenses with her. You seem to have different approaches to your finances, which is a red flag for relationships. 2 years also doesn’t seem to be a very long time to be with someone before buying an house together.
Tread carefully.