This happened a year ago and I have previously come to reddit regarding this as well. I apologize for how long it is.
My husband and I (both in our mid 20s) were playing games, talking and laughing with some friends of ours. It was my best friend and 2 other close friends. One of them asked me in a game of truth or dare if I have ever faked an org*m during sx with my husband. We met before we even turned 18, so yes there was a time when we did it for the first time and I faked it because I didnt know what that felt like.
This is where I messed up because I have never told my husband this before. We have learnt together and grew together and he has always been a bit insecure and asked me several times before if he has been good, and I never mentioned my faking it in the beginning. In the moment of having fun and all I said yes, and this shocked him. Our friends did not help either, as when I said “comeon be honest weve all done it”, they laughed and said nope just you. This majorly embarrassed my husband- rightfully so. It embarrassed me in all honesty too as I would have conversations with my other girlfriends who have always admitted to it. We married young and have been married unproblematically for years now until this happened and began the biggest argument of our marriage.
I feel stupid and I cant even tell him how sorry I am. When I posted this on reddit before with the same context, and when he posted as well, everyone called me the AH. I know that with reading other peoples comments, he thought even less of me. I have apologized countless times, I have told him it was just in the first time we did it, I have reassured him and tried everything I can to be better for him. I even distanced myself from my “friends”. I never want to be with anyone else, I cannot imagine my life without my husband, he is the only one for me in my eyes.
Lately, he has been distant from sex. No matter how much I try, he does not initiate it and the longer I give it space, the longer we go without doing it. I have tried losing weight, Ive tried putting more effort into even looking better because I assumed the previous argument was behind us as we apologized and I thought we made up. We still have a lot of fun together and always show up for each other and spend a lot of time together. Its just the sex.
I finally confronted him about it and he told me that he can no longer tell during sex if Im faking it or not, which makes it awkward for him. I feel like absolute garbage. When he told me that I said okay and went to cry my eyes out. We have not talked since then and he is sleeping. This is my fault and I dont know where to go from here. I know I want to be with him but I dont want to be in this situation. I messed up big time and I cant believe its been a year and its no better. I feel like I dont deserve him and I cant imagine how hurt he is. Any advice for how to move on from here would be appreciated. Thanks.