My boyfriend and I have been dating for about a year. He has two kids (18 F, 12 M) and I am struggling on how to integrate myself in their dynamic. There are fundamental differences in upbringing that really bother me, but I don’t say anything because I don’t feel it’s my place.. For example, his daughter doesn’t care to have a relationship with him except when she needs him. She only calls if she needs money or if she needs her car repaired or if she needs a ride somewhere. After she moved out to live with her mom, and my boyfriend(her dad) turned her room into his office, she dared tell him that he couldn’t do that unless he paid her $50 a month in “rent”. She is sometimes rude and even has said things behind my back about me that I try to ignore because I don’t want to put a rift between her and her dad. I honestly don’t know what to do because I am bottling a lot of negative emotions to the point where I’m starting to resent her dad for not standing up for me and for our relationship.. I honestly don’t know what to do because I obviously love her dad/my boyfriend and every time I say anything, he says that her and her mom always band together and it’s 2-1. As far as me and him are concerned, he keeps saying that our relationship is not her business but I can also see how he struggles. Should I just recuse myself and leave? What can I do to make things better for him? Is it too much to ask him to stand up for me and our relationship without straining his relationship w his daughter?
6 comments
“Leave” as in break up with your boyfriend? Or completely stay out of his relationship with his kids?
The daughter doesn’t respect her dad, and honestly, she doesn’t have to like you or welcome you in. But what is his job is setting boundaries both with her and how she treats you. If he’s shrugging it off when she’s disrespectful toward you, that’s not her fault anymore; that’s his. He’s letting it slide to “keep the peace,” which of course is going to build resentment. You need to have a conversation with him about how this makes you feel and you can either accept being sidelined in his family dynamic or leave. Don’t waste years waiting for him to suddenly grow a spine.
I would talk to him about how you’re feeling first. You need to get these emotions off of your chest. I know you feel bad for him, but these are HIS kids, not yours and you have no responsibility towards them. If he wants to let his daughter treat him like a doormat and he’s okay with that, then let him be. If it still bothers you and you find that it reflects on him as a person and a partner, then I would consider leaving.
Why do you need to have a relationship with his kids at all, especially if his relationship with them isn’t great either? She’s 18 and doesn’t live with him so why is it any of your concern?
Do you live with him? How old are you? This would give us a lot more clues into how all of this works.
Sounds like he lacks proper boundaries and doesn’t actually parent her. That would be a problem for me.
I would simply tell him I’m not ok with that dynamic. And if he can’t start stepping up, and stop being a doormat, I’m out.
As someone who has been left to raise my kids pretty much on my own, I’m going to gently suggest to you, that maybe your bf isn’t who you think he is. It sounds like he hasn’t made a lot of effort in parenting her growing up or trying to support her or to have a good relationship with her. That personally for me would be a red flag. But given her age and that she lives with her mother, I think you either grin and bear it or leave.