TLDR: I'm done with online dating forever.
Background: 38 Female, no children & never married. Homeowner, solid career in tech, and a dog mom. Always looking for friends, traveling companions, or possibly a relationship.
Disclaimer: I’m not perfect. I’m a woman on the spectrum, extremely high masking, and I have a unique communication style. Unfortunately, I can share too much initially, be overly trusting, blunt, honest, and vulnerable. I seem to think that by getting all of my potential deal-breakers and TMI out of the way first, that's less time wasted for us both… but this may be biting me in the butt. These are things I am always, and will always be, working to manage. And yes, I am a longtime lover of therapy.
I have been using dating apps for 15 years now, and I’m ready to hang them up for good. Although most of my long-term relationships have formed from them (which are stories of their own), as well as a handful of lasting friendships, the landscape has changed. In the past, I’ve been able to overlook the bad, because there has been enough good to outweigh it… but this past summer has broken me.
Where to start… Maybe the initial messages, all in acronyms? “HRU” or “SUP” or insert random emoji here. Or all of the main profile pictures of oversized iridescent/oil slink lenses, often hovering over a fish… usually some kind of bass.
I had a good chuckle to myself recently while crabbing in an early morning tide with some guy friends. One of them commented on how all of the women on the apps are “duck-faced” or using filters. I quickly recounted all of the profiles I’ve swiped left on that were shirtless out of context or contained these dark, edgy stares into the camera at all angles without so much as a smirk in sight.
I have, unknowingly of course, dated many types of men at this point: married men, engaged men, men in long-term relationships, men with children after stating that they didn’t have children, and straight-up catfish. And all of this is aside from the countless times I’ve been ghosted, which unfortunately comes with the territory of dating these days… even though I find that behavior to be a clear sign of emotional immaturity in most cases (sometimes justified though).
The initial blow of 2025 came in April. I had been texting a man for about a month, and we were hitting it off. We had much in common and eventually set a date to meet. Once the date was set, he started showing an unusual interest in my assets and future endeavors in a way that raised an orange flag. I figured it was time for a quick call to “catch his vibe”. And folks, as someone who is experienced in tech, he was using a voice changer.
I thought I would step up my game, so I required a video call with the next guy. He was able to wriggle out of our set time two or three times, and the flags came up. Eventually, he conceded. He had a very thick accent and was here on a work visa. Nothing wrong with either of those things of course, except that it proved his entire backstory leading up to that point to be false. Through forced tears, he tried to tell me that he just wanted me to give him a chance… luckily, I’m not that stupid.
The following “match” ended up being a new father, with a literal newborn at home. And I randomly got a text in the middle of the night, “Who is this?” after an embarrassing exchange of nudes.
Then enter the man who was in a relationship with a woman for three years who had recently been disabled.
Then enter the fiancé who was supposed to be married in November of this year.
And I get it, the common denominator is me. If you were to line up all of my exes in a row, they would all look completely different. Short, tall, fat, thin, harry, bald, all sizes and colors. And this is still happening, so I need to examine more closely what’s going on here. That's why I’m removing myself from the world of online dating, potentially for good.
I’m sure you have questions…
“Why are you swiping left on the nice guys?” That’s the problem. These predatory men are exceptional at pretending to be nice guys. Believe it or not, I pay much more attention to a person’s bio and profile details than I do to their profile pictures. And you know what, most of yours suck.
“We aren’t all 6’ tall.” Shut up. I’m 4’10”. Anything taller than me works.
“You’re probably fat.” You got me there. I’m overweight and on a serious weight loss journey. Exercise and nutrition have become passions of mine, and I’m hitting my goals every month. So to be honest, I’m probably in better health than most of you are.
And I repeat what I said above, I’m not perfect. There’s plenty of things to dislike about me. I’m not for everyone. But these most recent experiences have breached the boundaries of mere incompatibility. Online dating has become a terrifying place, and I’ve had enough.
Gary: You drink too much, you are too physically forceful when trying to flirt, even after I told you you were hurting my elbow and were making me uncomfortable, and I hate your mustache.
Michael: Please stop interrupting women when they are trying to answer your questions, or making comments about what a catch you are and that you should be sending yourself flowers for how achieved you are… freaking narcissist.
Christopher: You should have been upfront about having kids instead of waiting so long, because I would have been more open-minded about it. I also wish you had disclosed that you chew so much, because I really don’t like tobacco and I could taste it on you.
Travis: You really creep me out. Some of the things you say are dark. You call yourself a “sad boy”, and I worry about you being alone. I can’t be with someone I worry about like that.
Ben: You should have never lied about your past before drunkenly confessing to me that you had anger issues, especially when drinking (ironic).
Cody: If a woman asks for a quick chat over the phone for a vibe check, please oblige. And do it right away, it will show her you are interested and care about her feeling safe, especially when plans are being made to meet. At the very least, I think we could have made great friends on our fitness journeys together.
Saxon: I hate that you wasted so much of my time. You could have just told me that you weren't interested. I can handle it. Also, texting is a horrible way to communicate.
To all women: Please, please, please stay safe out there. Always let your circle know who you are talking to, where you are going, ESPECIALLY when meeting up.
To everyone else: Feel free to roast me, lecture me, advise me… I don’t care anymore. I’ve had enough.
I’m going to be making an effort to hit up more coffee shops and bookstores. I’m going to go back to speed dating in the city. I’m going to put more focus on meeting people out in the real world and hoping my luck will change while continuing to work on myself. This has all been too hard on my heart.
Thank you for listening,
Jaded