Hey everyone,
I wanted to share something personal and hopefully get some advice or perspective. In my last relationship, my ex weaponized porn and masturbation. They would deliberately choose it over being intimate with me, making me feel like I wasn’t attractive or good enough. Sometimes they’d even reject me and then do it while lying right beside me in bed, which was crushing. Eventually, it escalated to them cheating and I guess over time, those experiences completely broke down my self-worth and left me equating intimacy with rejection and punishment.
With my current partner, I knew they engaged with porn and masturbation pretty often because it’s an open conversation we’ve had, but it didn’t really hit me until a series of moments happened back-to-back recently. The first time I had stayed at their house all day while they were at work. When they got home, they said they were going to use the bathroom and shower. While they were gone, my mind went straight to memories of my ex sneaking off to the bathroom to watch porn and masturbate. I brushed it off, telling myself I was just overthinking. But later that evening, my partner casually mentioned in conversation that he had actually been in there jacking off and my heart sank. It felt like confirmation of the exact fear I had just tried to brush off. The second time was when I had just came home from work and my partner was showing me something on their phone , and I noticed Reddit pop up in their Siri suggested apps. It was such a small thing, but it triggered me instantly. And then literally the next day, I got home at the exact time my partner was masturbating in the shower, and I could hear it. Having these three things happen so close together has made it so hard to separate what’s happening now from the trauma I went through in the past.
It’s not that I think porn or masturbation is wrong I know it’s normal and healthy. But my brain automatically ties it to rejection, punishment, and not being enough and it feels terrifying. I hate that something so normal makes me feel unsafe, but I can’t seem to turn off the trauma response and I don’t want to control my partner or make them feel guilty, but I can’t shake the panic and hurt I feel in the moment.
Has anyone else gone through something like this? How did you work through it? Any advice on healing while still respecting my partner’s autonomy would be really appreciated.