I've been with my girlfriend for about two years, and lately, I've noticed an exhausting pattern: she frequently accuses me of behaviors she herself exhibits, and it’s starting to affect my mental wellbeing.
For example, she accuses me of having too much “FOMO”—feeling left out when my friends go out and I can't join. Yes, I do feel left out when I genuinely want to be there and can't, but it doesn't apply to every situation, and it’s never because of what I see on social media. On the other hand, my girlfriend does half of what she does because she saw someone else do it on Instagram, whether it’s clothes, makeup, or travel destinations. She feels extremely sad if she sees someone traveling abroad and she can’t go herself. That kind of comparison or envy via Instagram has never happened to me.
She also accuses me of not listening to her, but it often feels like she is trying to control my choices. For example, when I was migrating WhatsApp to a new phone, I wanted to use the direct phone-to-phone method, which is better. She didn’t know about it, insisted I use the cloud method, then got upset when I chose my own way. Even trying to discuss or Google which option is best just makes her feel I'm “not listening,” though it's a personal decision for my phone. Similar arguments happen about whether I should take an office leave—she gets involved and, if I don’t follow her opinion, it turns into a fight.
She tends to accuse her friends of being toxic for things she herself does and finds completely normal. For instance, her friend’s girlfriend asked to come over when he was studying; he said no, and my girlfriend called her toxic. Yet, the exact same thing happened with us; when I reminded her, she dismissed it as “girls are like this only.”
There are also plenty of contradictions. She’ll ask me to be with my friends when they visit from another city, but the next day she’ll keep texting and calling for hours; if I say I need to give my friends attention, she gets angry and throws a fit.
She asks for space many times, but when I actually give her space she says I don’t care about her. If I don’t give her space, she accuses me of not listening or doing whatever I want. So I’m stuck: either way, I’m wrong and she’s upset.
I feel like she doesn’t listen to me, does whatever she wants, and if I raise any objection or try to discuss, it goes nowhere. Even for things that are supposed to be mutual decisions, my input doesn’t matter.
She often plays the victim, accuses others of being “toxic” or “insensitive” for things she does herself, and any effort on my part to bring up these double standards is either ignored or minimized.
Is she manipulative? Should I try confronting her or is leaving a better choice?
TL;DR: My [28M] girlfriend [27F] accuses me of things she does herself, contradicts herself, tries to control personal decisions, and dismisses her own double standards. Is she manipulative? Should I try confronting her or is leaving a better choice?