I (M41) don’t have kids, but am now engaged to a woman (F39)with three kids whose father is deceased. How do I be a good stepdad without impeding on their dad’s memory?

19 comments

1. No advice, but what a beautiful refreshing post.

   The fact that you already consider this so deeply shows you will do just fine, you clearly have the best intentions and that will show !

2. You’re already doing a good job just by asking the question.

3. Don’t try to be a dad. Don’t even try to be a stepdad. Be an adult roommate in the house who they feel safe with and can talk to. Leave discipline to mom, and focus on supporting them as people. Be a goldfish about things they say or do that irritate you.

4. Don’t approach it as “parenting” approach them as being a mentor. Learn to see them as whole person and appreciate each stage, even the assholey ones. Leave the parenting to their mom. Focus on being their contemporary. Don’t get me wrong, you still need to be the adult in the room, but more like a lifeguard or coach kind of way. Actively find little way to interact with them.

5. I think the best way would be to ask your fiancee and your future step-kids. Where and how do they want/see you when it comes to a stepdad?

   Let them take the lead. Let them set the pace.

   You coming here and asking this is a good sign.

   Do you have a good relationship with the kids? Maybe not as a fatherly figure, but maybe as a friend? If not, that’s a whole slew of other problems and that’s a red flag.

   But if they like you, and accept their mom remarrying, then I think you’ll be fine.

   I don’t think the dad’s family hate your guts, it’s just hard to see. It’s not like it was a divorce. They lost someone too. As long as you don’t stop the kids from seeing them, they can feel how they want to.

   Don’t be controlling. Don’t try and overcompensate or something. Just be there for them. Be patient. Follow mom’s lead and the kid’s pace.

   Also maybe finding some ways to honor/remember their dad in your home someway too. Keep pictures up, on his birthday go to the cemetery, listen to the stories and memories, etc. (this might not be an amazing idea, but potentially have a separate memoriam table/chair for him/others at your wedding).

   Basically keep him alive in spirit in the house and their lives.

   Hopefully they got/are getting some grief counseling or something when they lost the dad.

6. Start with tabling the stepdad title for now. Don’t try to project or fulfill a fatherly role. Focus on being a trusted adult first, and model a healthy relationship with their mother. Be interested in them, but do not force closebess. Don’t undermine or interfere with their love for their father’s family. And, above all, follow your wife and the kids’ lead. If you give the relationship time and gentle space to grow, you will do just fine.

7. there’s some good advice here, but i feel like maybe it would be good to listen to these kids. 14 years old and they have good memories of their dad; ask them to tell you a cool story if you’re all in the car going somewhere. ask them to share their favourite memories with their sister and let them tell you about their dad. and ask them what they want! how do they want you to show up? what can you do to support them? maybe 9 isn’t old enough to come up with an answer but let them know that you will show up for them if they ask for it. let them know you’re always open to hearing what they need and trying to be there if you can do it.

   i also think it may be helpful for your fiancé to talk to her in-laws. she can reassure them that you aren’t there to take anyone’s place. you just want to join this family. you are a plus, you aren’t taking anything or anyone away.

8. There is no one answer for this. The truth is that you cannot and should not try to replace their bio dad. Esp with the 14 yo’s – you’re role will be more of a mentor and a friend than a parent.

   That means setting and enforcing rules should be up to their mother, not to you. This is hard (I’ve been there). You will have opinions about parenting – and they won’t always align with what they are used to what their mother wants. You will need to step back and follow her lead.

   As for the relatives – I think you need to have an honest and open conversation with them where you ask for their advice and help on how to be a good influence on the kids. If you acknowledge that you don’t know everything and that you want to do what’s best for them, you will get a better response.

   But the love and respect a kid gives to his or her parents doesn’t automatically transfer to the step-parent – it needs to be earned. That means focus on positive ways you can help them and help their mother. For the latter, step up with cooking, cleaning, and driving them around. For them, helping with homework, showing up at school and sport events (hope they don’t take up baseball – those games are endless…). Most of all, it means treating them with respect and patience and being someone they can safely talk to. Just taking them on vacations or spending $ on them isn’t enough (though it won’t hurt).

   Last thought – don’t ignore their memories, their pain or their grief. Ask the kids about their dad, show an interest in those memories.

9. Take it slow, let them call you by your first name, be like a supportive adult with them, not an authority figure. I’m sure over time you will be a positive influence on them.

10. As a step-parent who came onto the scene when my husband’s kids were 25, 19, 13, all the advice saying “don’t try to parent” is absolutely spot on.

    Talk to your fiancee about what she sees your role will evolve into. What worked for us (I had kids also, one in school the others already grown and out of the nest) was each of us being a positive, supportive adult in the kids’ lives. We were on the same page with parenting but any sort of conflict or bad behavior by my/his kids at home would be dealt with via ” I need to talk to your Dad about this” but neither of us dreamed of disciplining the others kiddos.

    Be a good example. Don’t push yourself on them. Don’t expect them to call you Dad ever. Give them space when they need it and time with their Mom alone.

11. The paternal grandfather can be ignored. Not aggressively or anything similar, of course, but that’s just understandable emotion coming out in an unhelpful way. Don’t take it personally, and basically ignore that attitude. He wouldn’t have the right to dictate to his own son how he should parent or behave, so he certainly can’t do it to you. Primarily you and your wife get on the same page. And I wholly agree with the broad advice here of not worrying too much about “being a parent” or similar. I mean you’ve already been around for three years, getting married really shouldn’t change anything, not really.

    You’re not going to forcibly change anyone’s minds, the family or the kids – not saying you’re trying to! But all you can really do is lead by example. Be present, be involved, figure out with your wife what roles you can take on in terms of discipline, etc. She should take the lead, but realistically you’re her husband, you’re the stepfather, you’re gonna have to be involved at that level, and presumably already have been.

    Weird analogy but just occurred to me – modern policing is “policing by consent”, broadly speaking the population acknowledges the power the police have, without necessarily liking it. And the role of the police **should** be to respect that power imbalance, not take advantage of it. That feels faintly relevant here – not that you have “power” as such, but you’re in a position where you can either steer things with a gentle touch or go overboard, and the gentle touch is the right approach. Tread softly, be a decent person, and you’ll *earn* respect, approval, acknowledgement of your role. You can’t throw your weight around and “take” respect (and again, doesn’t remotely seem like you’re trying to).

    In many ways “kill them with kindness”. The family might not like the circumstances, but if you’re consistently supportive, present, kind, respectful, they’d be grade-A assholes to treat you badly. Might be you can’t ever win them over, in which case accept that. You can’t make them like you, and if they’re determined to make life difficult, then they’ll try to. But if they’re remotely decent people, even if it’s grudgingly so, demonstrate your positivity and they’ll acknowledge that, understand the new reality. But the family’s attitude to you is very separate from your relationship with the kids. Not least because if the kids appreciate whatever role you play in your lives, the wider family will pick up on that.

    Short answer is focus on the kids, do right by them, get on the same page with your wife. Don’t prioritise “treading lightly” with the family, because that’ll pan out however it pans out. Don’t throw your weight around, but there’s no point worrying too much about getting them to like you, because they might *never* like you, and might be there’s nothing you can do about that. Their loss. But if there’s any progress to make, it’ll be by prioritising the kids’ wellbeing.

12. >I will never try to replace their dad, but I do want to have a good impact on their lives.

    As a fellow step-dad. This is the way to go about it. Heck my kids’ dad isn’t the greatest. Like hes a good enough guy but he’s always been flaking on having a living situation/car/etc just because he constantly bounced around jobs but he was always there for them when they needed him so I never had a problem with him and would never tarnish his name in front of them either.

    Just be there for them. Support them. When they have events that your fiance/wife is going to (e.g. practices/recitals/art shows/whatever) go along. Be a positive male figure in their life. You don’t need to replace their dad but you can just be a positive person in their life.

13. First and foremost just be yourself- not a replacement for the deceased father or the best stepfather ever. Be you and let your relationship with the children develop naturally. And respect their mother- leave it to her to discipline the children.

14. I have only advice I can give from the perspective of having a step father that didnt really do anything for me lol. I have mixed feelings for my step dad because on one hand I know he cared about be and did the best he could when I was growing up to protect me and keep a roof over our heads. But on the other hand he really didnt show me anything. He didnt teach me anything or take the time to have a real impactful male good presence in my life. I think because my dad is still alive he didnt want to do exactly what your concerns are with “over stepping.” I think in the case with kids. MORE love is better, MORE experiences are better, more people to fill up their cup is better lol. I dont think there’s such thing as over stepping or disrespecting the bio dad in these cases.. I think most people just benefit from having positive role models in their lives that care about them and what to show them the world in the unique way only you as an individual with your set of circumstances that make you you have.

    I think back and how I dont really have love for my step dad for a few reasons. The way he treated my mom wasnt great. Thats a BIG one. Treating their mom with respect is the best gift you’ll ever give them. because my SD is my little sisters Bio dad he felt like he had permission to be extra hard on her due to his expectations of what she should be in life which was also really hard to see and not done the right way. it was all discipline and no real guidance or support. And that goes for me too. He didnt show me anything in life growing up.

    I remember when I first met my now boyfriend of 8 years mom and brother. we all went for a hike together and they as a family kept stopping to talk about what kind of tree is this? or look at the shape of this spider web! or how many types of cloud names can you list …lol I remember laughing in aww because this dynamic they had was so full. This family that took the time to explore and talk and learn and have these discussions on anything and everything! as long as they are being curious and asking questions they were happy spending time together. I didnt have that growing up. I’ve had to learn most things on my own with advanced education which was a struggle for me because I didnt have help in the home. I as an adult have that lightbulb of curiosity but growing up it was like no one helped plant those seeds of curiosity to then give me space as a kid to pull the thread.

    My point. Lol… Be that for these kids. A person that supports their curiosity and interests and hobbies and help them fuel that potential. They’ll thank you for it. Kids need guidance and love and support and when it comes to the discipline stuff talk to your wife and mother of these kids on how to deal with those moments as a team. You should be a well rounded person that has something to offer these kids in skill building and resource of learning. and along the way you’ll be fulfilled and learn some stuff too.

    Its already enough that you asked the question. You’re going to be great.

15. Asking this, and having this attitude means you are already 99% of the way there IMO

16. I think the main thing is just recognize that your part in their lives is now and going forwards. Don’t try and insert yourself or be uncomfortable with any reminiscing

    > The paternal grandfather has told me that I’m not to take the place of his deceased son’s role in the kids’ lives.

    That’s actually kinda messed up and weird tbh, I assume that grandparents are perhaps more insecure as they are relying on their continuing good relationship with daughter-in-law to maintain their relationship, and to be fair given the amount of toxicity out there in the world I’d be worried too.

17. Just be yourself and get to know them; as they get older they need different side of you; be their Step -Dad.. take care of their mother, they will appreciate that..

18. So I will answer in three parts. RE: Grandfather, partner, and Kids, and Overall.

    The paternal Grandfather:

    Get them to think/suggest how would his son want his kids to be treated? Would he want them to have a rolemodel/someone to love/support them. Basically say what would they want. (Later thought might help this)

    Wife: Talk to her and ask her if its ok you suggest a “holiday” or day of mourning. OR what we do for my family that died is a dinner out to eat/favorite activity. For example honor their memory by keeping them alive in spirit.

    Kids: Acknowledge their feelings, Know you are not there dad, but you are a loving adult figure. You’re here to help and guide them in life. It will sound weird, but it will eventually feel natural. Basically you curb the line of a loving adult helping them grow, and parental figure.

    I like the term bonus, vs step. Bonus Parent probably works well.

19. I always have better results just addressing the elephant in the room.

    I call it over the head honesty.

    Can you just simply say, “your dad sounds like he was a great guy. I know I cannot replace him nor would I ever try. He was your dad.”