I (31M) started seeing a woman (24F). At first things felt natural we held hands, shared sunsets, laughed, and had a picnic together. But as things developed, I started noticing patterns that felt less like intentionality and more like overcorrection.
She told me her last relationship moved too fast (living together, sex, emotional intensity) and that it also killed her to leave that relationship because of the pain. Now she says she’s celibate, doesn’t want to kiss too soon, and wants to take things extremely slow. Fair enough. But here’s where it feels off:
- she didn’t like that I wanted to kiss her because she wanted to make sure I didn’t want her for her body. But she also said that she wanted to kiss me. It became a big ordeal. We eventually kissed.
- She accused me of “pressuring” just for asking for reciprocity. I’ve driven to her multiple times and me asking for reciprocity got her upset. She eventually drove to me.
- She judges me for wearing a bracelet tied to a longtime female friend (we’ve been platonic for years now – we went on a couple dates years ago and she has a boyfriend), while she’s still texting a guy she kissed just a few months ago to support him.
- She describes living with her ex as “felt like roommates”, even though they shared a bed and had sex. To me it feels like minimizing and not honesty.
- She wants to wait til marriage to have sex, yet she’s already had sex with an ex. And It seems like it’s an overcorrection or how it might bring up trouble given how much trouble me and her had just on a kiss. (My ex also wanted to wait til marriage after sex with her ex, we ended up having sex but then when things would get rocky she would bring up how she didn’t want to have sex. And it was used an an anchor in arguments)
- Whenever I open up, she either reframes my words or shuts down completely (“I don’t want to talk about this right now”… or when I tell her about my experience she would say: “Yeah, but….”)
- I supported her when she needed support, I noticed the most recent conversation brought up some old wounds so I asked her for the same support in return and she just got in her car and left cuz it was late and she “had to go.”
To me, it feels like she’s reacting to her past by swinging the pendulum to the other extreme — trying to protect herself from ever being “too fast” again, but in the process projecting her past wounds onto me. I’ve been in a relationship when past wounds were projected onto me.
I’ve told her I don’t want to be someone’s trial or second choice, and I value relationships where both people bring honesty, reciprocity, and presence.
My question: How do you tell the difference between someone being genuinely intentional versus someone overcorrecting from past pain? And if it is overcorrection, is it even worth sticking around, or is it better to step away?
Lasting how can I tell if it’s me and my past wounds? I’ve done a shit ton of therapy whereas she hasn’t done a single session. And I’m wondering if I’m reading too much into this.