I met this guy on Hinge about couple months ago and we finally went out on a date this May and we had a spark of chemistry. He didn’t text me back for a week to try and schedule another date. I found it odd because why would you take so long to schedule another date? Anyway fast-forward, we actually went on a second date a month and a half after meeting and it went well again. Ever since that moment, we were seeing each other weekly. Everything was fine. We even went on a trip out of the country together, which was completely his idea. He gave me keys to his apartment. He checked it on me daily. We were very affectionate compatible and Cute with each other most often times when together. I thought we were serious and we’re dating exclusively. I thought he wanted to progress into deeper parts of intimacy and understanding each other.
The other night I come home after a party and we start hooking up on his bed. I wanted to shower and brush my teeth because we ate after the party and I felt gross. But he insisted that I’d give him a blow job. In the moment, I was like OK I don’t mind but I thought he wanted to tease not a full on session since he said he wanted to walk his dog and I said I wanted to shower. But he kept insisting that he wanted more and he kept saying I love blowjobs. I hate the fucking word blowjobs. I also hate when I’m asked to give a blowjob. It just sounds like a weird word and I should want to give you a blow job. You shouldn’t have to ask me for one. So I stopped and I said, babe I’m gonna shower. I feel gross. I haven’t showered all day. I feel sticky. He wants to go walk the dog and as he went to go walk the dog, I started thinking about how transactional that blowjob felt. Almost as if he just wanted to use me just for that and it triggered a moment of the times when I was used by the last person I dated for sex. When he came back from walking the dog, I was very scared to tell him that it triggered me, but I still did. I did it because I wanted him to understand me, and I was also trying to deep in our intimacy. I basically said I don’t like the word blowjob. You don’t have to ask me for one. I don’t want it to feel transactional. I want to just give it to you like how I always do without you asking. He f elt super rejected and turned off. Quotation marks. And then everything went down downhill from that. All because I said I don’t want blowjobs to feel transactional. And now he texted me today, saying basically that he’s not ready to date. And he can’t give me what I need because the feelings of rejection and those conversations that we had that night should’ve been easy conversations that we had, but for him they were really hard and it made him realize that he can’t meet me where I’m at emotionally and it’s easier for him to keep connections superficial. He also said that in his last relationship, he had an issue where he always felt rejected sexually and there was a lot of issues that they had around that so it reminded him of that situation. He believes he’s not mature enough. (34 m) and I’m a 32f.*** he said this is a wake up call for him to face some of the challenges he’s been suppressing. And it wouldn’t be fair to either one of us to date while he goes through these feelings.
Anyway, I’m left heartbroken again another failed dating stage. I I don’t know how people can just wake up one day and completely discard you. I feel like dating is just not worth the heartache and the stress and anxiety anymore. And it sucks because I’m such a hopeful, fun person full of joy and love and I just wanna find someone to share that with in this lifetime but I feel as if maybe it’s just not my time and I need to stop looking for it or trying, but then the other part of me wants to keep trying and not let these bad experiences Make me or break me.
I thought about reaching out after we shared last words but I’m actually angry and I don’t have anything nice to say. Part of me is taking this as he’s an avoidant and can’t face intimacy without fear. I’ve been crying nonstop and I just called out of work tomorrow because I know I won’t be able to focus and I need to really take care of my mental health.
Dating is exhausting. I’m gonna try and sleep and not wake up crying tomorrow morning.