I honestly don't know where to start this or even if it's in the right sub, so please let me know if it's not correct and I'll adjust accordingly. Throwaway account.
For context, I (F25) have been in a relationship with my partner (NB28) for three years. We are engaged. We both came into the relationship as nicotine users (Cigarettes/Vapes) but have been in various states of quitting and unquitting throughout. We are both neurodivergent so this particular vice has always served a number of purposes in managing daily stressors.
Unfortunately for the dynamic of our relationship, we view dependency every differently; where I can find a logical point to recognise the damages and how weak I'm beginning to feel after a period of heavy use and employ quitting strategies that struggle to hold around other people's use (My willpower is notoriously weak and most everyone in my life who isn't family uses alcohol, smokes, vapes, drugs, etc.), my partner has to find a moment in time where literally zero worldly occurrences are a threat to their choice to quit. This makes it extremely difficult for them and I am deeply sympathetic, as even though I can almost quit on autopilot, the itch never ceases; I just bury it and turn away from the world.
This has always been the pattern but in the last couple years I have had various health-related issues (surgical and general ailment-wise) that have driven me to finally put into practice some stronger, more balanced and hard-won efforts around quitting; my strength goes out the window at social gatherings and when in high stress, populated environments, but I have managed to break away from my partners choice to continue managing their stress without joining them or asking to have a smoke when we go out for most dates and errands (unless it's a big evening). It's been rough but I've tried hard to work on not passing judgement the way I used to when quitting was a month on month off struggle, until this evening when I finally cracked.
As we live with people who are extremely judgemental of smoking, I've been helping my partner to find time when we have an obligation, task, or time out of the house to smoke. It's been a very difficult year for them and smoking has become a crutch they recognise as to excess, but they have expressed they aren't intending on quitting multiple times, to me and to others in conversation. As a result of having to hide it, they are smoking about thrice as much throughout the day doing everything, and multiple times a night until the early hours while trying to manage sleep procrastination, as they did before things got really hard for them. I have kept my mouth shut about their frequency except for when they open a dialogue or complain about feeling sick, but tonight after driving a couple hours back across town and finally pulling up to home, they asked if we could go away from the house so they could have another. I said no, I want to go inside and they agreed. Usually when this happens, they get especially moody so I tried stupidly to offer a compromise that wasn't to their interest and they blew up at me. I picked a fight while placating them by taking them, and the rest of the time out was quiet and uncomfortable. I understand I crossed a line, so I held onto an apology until we were settled.
After settling and expressing my apologies, they told me that it wasn't nice to ask them to have a smoke somewhere other than their "spot" away from the house when I just wanted to go inside and settle after being away from home and them (I was with my family, they were with theirs) for the night. They said that they just want to maximise their time smoking when they can because they don't want to be judged and it's wrong of me to try and control that, that I don't understand because I'm not "addicted like them" even after they've tried to explain it before. I said that I struggle with my own issues being an on again off again addict and I understand completely the fear of being judged for my actions, but as an adult that's a responsibility you have to deal with; that I haven't told them they can't do it or shouldn't if it's something they need to manage stress, but I have expressed that it makes me uncomfortable driving them around to smoke. I might be in the wrong for this, but I used the opportunity to describe how I have begun to hate their always smelling like smoke, no matter how clean they keep, that I hate choking on the copious amounts of body sprays they use to mask the scent to walk back indoors, and that I hate the taste of kissing someone with "ashtray mouth"; that these things that were not, to me, huge problems a while ago as I want to be supportive, are becoming harder to deal with.
At this point they were crying and told me that it's either they quit for my sake or they keep on going and I just grow to resent them. They reinforced all the things that smoking makes easier to manage and loudly expressed how asking them to change the habit on top of it would be practically impossible, and that they would only resent me for it. I tried suggesting nicotine products over alternatives (as vapes are not a possibility for purchase) and they stated that this was as good as asking them to quit (I understand that is the purpose of the products, but I was scrabbling for options), so it's just as bad. They asked me to cut the gaslighting and manipulation and to leave them alone, which I did, and now I am here.
As mentioned, this has been a very difficult year and we are under a lot of pressure to meet a lot of deadlines, so any extra challenge is asking a tonne. However, I am extremely worried about them (They recently got over a serious cough that they seemingly pinned everything on but the smoking), worried about finances, worried about their fear of judgement consuming them, and worried about how much more I can tolerate of being a cig chauffeur. I love my partner dearly, and we have been through a serious amount, but I am at my wit's end over this. I communicated poorly tonight, but as anything that comes between them and nicotine creates a minor to major shitstorm on a given day, I don't know if there's a way to communicate not poorly. Please, any advice is highly regarded.
Thank you for your time!
TL;DR: I got upset with saying I didn't want to drive my partner away from home to smoke and they called me a gas lighting manipulator for expressing the ways their smoking habit affects me.
11 comments
You are not wrong for feeling exhausted, their choices affect you too, and if they are unwilling to acknowledge that then you need to decide how much of this you can truly live with.
There’s not a difference in addiction, there’s only differences in willingness and effort to quit. Smoking is not a healthy coping mechanism- that’s like saying that alcohol is a good way to manage social anxiety- sure, it works, but it’s also causing other health issues. Your partner needs to find non-damaging ways to deal with their issues, not just for you and the relationship but for themselves. If they refuse to do that, then you should reconsider the relationship. Also, do they not drive? Why do you have to be the one to drive them somewhere to smoke? That’s an absolutely insane thing to ask of someone who is quitting or really of anyone.
25 in a relationship for 3 years with a smoker and engaged. Someone’s looking for a divorce.
This whole thing is a mess. Hiding the smoking from people they live with when you are an adult is very odd. You having to drive them to smoke is also quite strange. I don’t know where you live or what your living situation is, but it seems like there is a lot of blurred emotional boundaries that are causing issues and its far more than just the smoking.
Obviously there are smoking related things you are upset about – the smell, the ashtray mouth, etc. But the rest of it seems mostly about how both you and your partner deal with things emotionally. Why are you doing all this to enable this habit if you don’t want them to continue? They told you already he doesn’t plan to quit. Why don’t you believe them?
If they’re not willing to switch to an alternative (i’m not sure where you live but vapes would be the best choice) and they’re not willing to quit, you have to just decide whether you want to be with a smoker or not. You got into a relationship with a smoker and you can’t expect someone to change on a dime just because your preferences and expectations have changed.
What you can do is set boundaries around their behavior – that you won’t be their enabler, drive them around anymore, that you won’t tolerate them blowing up at you and treating you poorly, etc. And you have to have consequences at hand for when they cross those boundaries.
This person doesn’t seem like marriage material at this time.
It’s fine that they smoke. It’s fine that they need support in a relationship. But needing their partner to support their smoking habit is pathological.
I’m not a smoker, but smoking isn’t a dealbreaker to me and I’ve dated smokers. It’s fine for them to dip out for a few minutes here and there to do what they need to, though I prefer that they pop some gum before coming back.
If they had a tantrum at me for not chauffeuring then around to smoke or hang out with them when they smoke (ESPECIALLY if I was trying to quit), the relationship would shrivel up and die VERY quickly. This is childish, codependent behavior. Honestly a lot of this feels like a red flag, but that specifically they need to accept as toxic, take responsibility for, and figure out how to fix it before we got any more serious.
Why do you need to drive them to their smoking spot? Can’t they just go without you? I feel this would be the easiest compromise.
the only thing smoking alleviates is the withdrawal from not smoking.
As an ex smoker, I cannot stand the smell of smoke on people. I tried dating a smoker, and just couldn’t get around the smell of it…even after a shower, it was as if the smoke was coming from every pore on her. And her breath was even worse, even after brushing her teeth. And there’s no getting around the smell that sticks to clothing even when they smoke outside.
I quit cold turkey bank in 99. Friends basically kidnapped me for a long 4 day weekend with zero access to nicotine. Best thing I ever did.
Can’t you just tell your judgemental roommates to fuck off? Wtf are they gonna do that they need to drive somewhere else to smoke? Let them judge. To me that is the bizarre part – they are willing to argue with their partner over smoking but tiptoe around some asshole roommates – why? What do they think are the consequences of disappointing their roommates?
Is there a reason you can’t get vapes? What country are you in….??
It sounds like they use “addiction” as a blanket term to completely absolve themselves of any amount of personal responsibility. And because in their mind they have no responsibility for their actions, any criticism of those actions is an ATTACK and UNFAIR and YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND. Which is an extremely toxic perspective for them to hold… And it doesn’t sound like they’re interested in changing it at all. Autistic folks are known to really struggle with addiction, but it’s the lack of willpower to do better that’s the most concerning here. They want to feel BAD about not doing better but they don’t actually want to put that work in.
Addiction can absolutely make it extremely hard to quit. It can make you feel awful during withdrawal. But their “trying to cram as much nicotine in as they can, while they can” isn’t just from addiction, there’s another layer of mental… something… on top of that. Like, they’ve built it up into a huge complex. And the complex happens to make the physical addiction worse (by exposing them to such massive amounts of nicotine, even more than they’d be getting if they were more relaxed about the idea of “not using every available moment to be inhaling more smoke”).
Another very important distinction you need to make clear to them: there are two types of addiction at play here. There’s PHYSICAL addiction – that’s the stuff that nicotine ACTUALLY does to your body. The *physical* cravings, withdrawal, etc.. That is the stuff that you CAN’T do anything about (i.e., you can’t “willpower” your way through withdrawal shakes) – it’s the stuff you have the hardest time fighting through if you’re quitting.
Then there is PSYCHOLOGICAL addiction. THAT is something subjective to the individual person, and I suspect that this is the area your partner is having an extreme issue with. They *associate* the feeling of being calm, of getting through overstimulation, with smoking. To the point that they are **genuinely convinced** on some level that this is the ONLY thing that can help them, that they can’t manage without it, that smoking is THE way to manage stress and taking it away would mean they have no ways to handle the outside world. So they cling to it like a drowning person to driftwood, wholly believing that without its buoyancy, they’ll drown (when in reality, there are a lot of ways to keep your head above the surface if you actively seek them and build those skills).
If they are not willing to truly take a deep dive into the psychological aspect of their dependency, if they aren’t open to the idea of building new skills and finding new alternatives to managing stress that aren’t smoking, then, well… I don’t think this will work out. 🙁 if all the sneaking around, the stress of finding time to smoke, demanding that *you* pick up the responsibility of helping them with more chances to smoke, and then you saying *it’s affecting their serious relationship* won’t get them to change their ways, then nothing will. I’m sorry.
– a fellow autistic person with a psychological addiction to smoking weed, though very fortunately it’s nowhere near this level
This sounds so tough, and I really feel for you. Loving someone while struggling with their habits can be exhausting. You’re allowed to set boundaries about what you can and can’t handle , like driving them to smoke or dealing with the smell, without it meaning you’re trying to control them.
Sometimes shifting the focus helps: instead of “you need to smoke less,” try “I’m struggling with X and need to figure out what works for me.” It keeps the conversation about your feelings rather than their choices, which can lower defensiveness.
You deserve to feel comfortable in your relationship, too. (and safe)