I haven’t had a single close friend ever since I was 13 and I was bullied throughout both primary and high school which severely impacted my self confidence and social skills. I was literally known as the girl with no friends. I had casual friends or situational friends that would only hang out with me because they had no one else to hang out with at school, but then as soon as school ended they would ghost me and post everywhere with their actual real friends. The fact that I didn’t go to university makes it even worse because now where do I even find friends? Over the past year, Ive had like 3 friendships that could’ve become close but I ruined all of them and now Im completely alone. No one wants to hang out with me and everyone has close friends except for me. It pains me seeing people my age and people I went to school with posting with their friends online, and my biggest dream in life is to have a close group of girlfriends who I would hang out with often and have fun with.
Currently I’m in a relationship with an extrovert who goes out with his friends every single day and it’s so embarrasing when he asks me what I do and everyday I’m at home bed rotting. I haven’t told him about my situation but it’s becoming more and more obvious that I’m a friendless pathetic girl and I get more and more anxious everyday that he will leave me or find me weird for it. I’m extremely suicidal because of this and I cry every single night especially when something online triggers me like seeing a girl group.
My biggest wish in life was to be born as an extroverted, bubbly girl who makes friends easily but instead I was born as a socially anxious, depressed, socially awkward people pleaser and I don’t know how much longer I can go on like this.