From my personal experience, I have never had a close friend. Nobody I can text, nobody I can confide in emotionally, nobody who truly knows me.
I’m alone for 9 hours in my room. The few times I go out are school and work. And in those few hours….
I’m extroverted as fuck.
I talk to some people in my class, at work, I laugh and have a good time. It’s the only time where I feel happy…..
I don’t have a single one of their numbers. I feel as though I am dumbed down to the clown or the funny guy with not much more substance beyond that. That’s just how it is. Im a comic fucking relief.
It’s gotten to a point where I view people as drugs, I’m attached like leeches to people I’m interested in talking to….. and they’re not interested in me.
Probably because to them I’m one out of thousands of people they talk to on instagram or Snapchat or whatever.
But to the few people I talk to…. They are everything to me…. They’re the reason I’m living.
Sadly I’m nothing to them.
A fucking card game in the last 20 minutes of a class period is one of the peaks of my lonely miserable life.
Dumb interactions that make me laugh fuel me to not kill myself.
And they’ll never know it because extroverts like them have hundreds of those moments a day. They’re never alone. Ever.
At the end of the day after my socializing is over, I rot in bed, imagining scenarios of those people. It’s unhealthy because when they don’t reciprocate this attachment I get depressed again.
Because i have to cope with the sad reality that im just the guy from work.
Help me.