I 42m have been married to my wife 37F for 10 years. We have a 5 year old son. She is SAHM – I am sole bread winner — we are financially comfortable.
The short summary is that our sex life hasn't been good for a while — after an extended dry period we made some effort and are at about once in 2 weeks currently — which is low for my libido. Any discussions regarding how we can get to something higher have not been fruitful. Few moving pieces: we have had some family conflict for last 3-4 years, and she has struggled with being lonely in our marriage, and blames me for not being there for her (partially true but I do have a full time stressful job). Since then she has gotten herself a social life centered around sports — including someone (male) she has a crush on — and hangs out and chats regularly with. I am expected to be ok with this since she is not technically doing anything wrong — they are just playing sports.
I have been asking her about what we can do to improve our sex life but it has been a moving target. I have been doing stuff that she says she would like (more physical touching, thoughtful gestures etc) but everything is interpreted as transactional since I ultimately would like to have sex (which is true). We have been to couples counseling that she ended on her own. During our recent discussion — she has clarified that I am the most important person in her life and her best friend, but she is not in love with me. She says I am not in love with her either — which is probably true as its complicated. She has indicated that she has no desired to make any adjustment to her life, and only wants to have sex when she in the mood, and I should make adjustments to handle my needs (e.g. masturbation). She also claims that her crush on her sports friend has no bearing on our sex life — which I find hard to believe, and I feel like I am constantly being compared to this person — she says I am being too sensitive.
For women: would like to understand if there is something I can do to change things.
For men: in similar situation, how do you deal with this?