Is there a peaceful way to do it ?
TL;DR : I handle 90-100% of the mental load in my marriage and I’m burning out. My husband isn’t unwilling to pitch in but inconsistent and very disorganized. I don’t want to fight endlessly, especially if ineffective. I question my own posture regarding that issue and what I can change about it.
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My husband and I have been together 11 years, we both work full time and we have two young kids (7 and 3).
While my husband sees me as the “household manager” (has said so to me), I long for a better balance of the domestic and mental load (and have said this to him).
Now my husband isn’t the type of man that puts his feet under the table and expects me to tend to everything. He takes care of the kids, cooks and clean. But his investment in domestic duties is patchy and inconsistent, and very dependent of surrounding circumstances such as fatigue, work stress or mood.
Though he can and does show initiative sometimes, I feel I have to give him constant feedback and reminders so that things don’t keep falling behind. He has expressed many times to me that he feels like I’m bossing or nagging him about stuff, and to be honest I do feel like I’m constantly on his case. That’s not a pattern that feels good or healthy for either of us.
Where we’re stuck :
He’s been feeling discouraged by my expectations, saying that he just didn’t feel capable of being a domestic partner up to my standards, that he says are quite high.
I, however, feel that what I’m asking in terms of practical actions is virtually the bare minimum of a functioning household, i.e. putting things back in place after using them, not scattering clothes in every room, picking up after ourselves and the kids, or cleaning the kitchen and dining area after meals. Another side of this issue is the sharing of the mental load, that I understand is a little more tricky. More on that later.
I’m closing on 40, I’ve gained more insight from a decade of marriage and parenting, been in therapy, and more in tune with my needs and wants than I was at 30 when we were figuring things out. I’m not less patient, but those issues are more pressing to me.
I’ve had a massive burn out episode in 2023 that has been my alarm bell ever since, as I do not want to live through that ever again. I became painfully aware that I was juggling way too much on a daily basis, including in my home life. I realized that especially since the kids came into the picture, the amount of responsibilities I had taken upon myself was becoming unsustainable.
I’m very aware that our situation is common in many marriages : I carry 90% at least of the household planning. I fill our taxes and admin, handle finances, keep our calendars, enroll the kids in school, daycare and extra curricular activities, book every appointment, organize play dates and birthdays, get togethers with our friends, answer invitations, buy gifts, plan vacations, buy and sort kid’s clothes and supplies, handle school stuff, keep stock of household items, keep up to date with car maintenance, etc, etc.
But there is so much on my plate that I forget about things, double book, and stuff slips through the cracks, which gets me incredibly frustrated. In the meantime, my husband hasn’t had a planner in the decade I’ve known him, cause that’s what I do. I feel like an intendant and it’s wearing me down.
My husband is good willed, but very disorganized. He also has said he found it hard to take over responsibilities after me, because I’m very critical and things have to be done “my way”. If I’m being honest and self-aware, there is some truth to this that I need to work on, and I am. But it’s hard to have him take accountability for the fact that his inconsistence following through on his engagements have made it difficult for me to just trust him to deliver, especially when the kids are involved.
We’ve had our share of fights and heartfelt conversations about that, but we feel stuck and I’m tired of the domestic wars. I don’t expect big changes overnight, but I want peace and progress.
What are your experiences and what did they teach you ? What can I change about the way I handle this, myself, to alleviate my load and invite him to step in more ?