Hi there. I’ve been wanting to talk about this for a very long time, but I’m scared of what people might tell me. We all know how Reddit can be… but I really need some outside perspective.
I (31F) have been with my husband (31M) for 12 years, married for 3. I moved in with him — to a city I don’t like, into an apartment that’s too old and too small, and my mental health has been worse than it’s been in years. I’ve tried talking to him about it, but our communication is absolutely terrible. We both get loud quickly, we constantly misunderstand each other about so many things, it’s awful. He thinks his job is what will finance our retirement. It’s true, his job comes with a very secure pension — but I don’t even want to live that long under these circumstances, and I don’t want to live just for the future! I want to live for myself, in the now.
And that’s where my so-called “selfishness” comes in. I’m constantly told to set my selfishness aside when I talk about what I want. Not what I’d “like” — no, I know how to articulate my wants and needs.
Also, I was an only child for 12 years, and he’s the third son of a family that clearly had zero interest in raising him properly. Now I live with a man who cannot think ahead on his own, who doesn’t take care of the household, who’s lazy and rarely gets excited about anything I suggest. We both never learned how to cook, and cleaning only happens sometimes — but a proper clean? God, it’s gross.
And it’s not just on him. I’m not innocent here either. BUT I WANT TO CHANGE. I want to be an adult, live an adult life, not like some teenagers rotting in their own filth. I’m done picking up his crap because I’m not his mother! I’m definitely not perfect, but I know what I want and what I need — and looking back now, I feel like a complete idiot for moving in with him so quickly, for never learning how to live on my own.
And that brings us to now. My crossroads. I want to move away. I don’t want to live in this city, I don’t want to work here, and I refuse to destroy myself mentally just to survive here. Yes, I’m selfish — and I think that’s a good thing.
I would love to move somewhere else to build a life that feels more right for me. But he doesn’t want to leave because of his super safe pension job. I don’t even want to live that long if this is all life has to offer…
I really need input — harsh or kind, whatever works — I just need something to finally click in my head so I can make a damn decision.
I’ve signed us up for couples therapy, we’re starting next month. He agreed to go, so that’s something, I guess. Maybe it’ll help. I do love him to death, and he loves me too. But honestly? I’m not even sure if it’s real love or just emotional dependency anymore…
Sorry for the super long post. I hope it is not too all over the place.