Looking for advice. I (34M) have been married to my wife (34F) for 8 years. Let’s call her Rachel. We have been super close since we were 8 but were strictly platonic until our early 20s. We basically saw each other as brother and sister.
We grew up with a tight-knit group of friends that we still see when we can (most of us now live in different states). One of these friends (let’s call him Roy) was one of my best friends through high school and was my roommate through undergrad. During college, Roy knew that I’d sometimes wonder if I had deeper feelings for Rachel as we talked about everything together. However, I always brushed it off because she was more like a sister to me and I couldn’t risk my friendship with her to pursue anything further.
Fast forward to the end of undergrad. Rachel and I both found jobs locally and Roy accepted a job in a different state. About 2 weeks before Roy moved away, we were all at the bar with our group of friends. At the end of the night, Roy walked Rachel back to her place before heading home. This wasn’t out of the ordinary as we’ve all done this through the years as Rachel’s place was on the way to our house but a few blocks out of the way.
I had suspicions that they hooked up as Roy took longer than usual to get back home that night. However, I didn’t think much of it as we both had some random one night stands through our college years and it didn’t bother me either way.
About 8 months later when we were in our careers I began hanging out with Rachel one-on-one more frequently and realized I did have feelings for her. I told her about my feelings one night and she also felt the same towards me. However, I did ask if she had hooked up with Roy that night, as I wasn’t sure I could start a relationship with her due to Roy still being one of my best friends. She told me that they did not have sex but did make out and gave him a BJ, but they were too drunk and he didn’t finish (apologies for the TMI). That didn’t bother me and we laughed it off together. We ended up dating for a couple of years, got married (Roy was one of my groomsmen), and now have 2 kids together. We still visit with Roy and his girlfriend when we are all in the area and everything is good.
Last week, we were on a date and reminiscing on our past and what our friends were up to these days. I subtly asked if she had sex with Roy and she said “yeaaaahhh, not really” and could tell I was shocked. She immediately said they hooked up but she has never considered him as (for lack of a better term) being on her body count.
I was slightly upset and told her I asked about him before I could commit to a relationship with her, as I didn’t think I could move forward if she had sex with my best friend and needed to know what happened. She told me it was so long ago that she really didn’t remember any details other than she didn’t “count it” because how irrelevant it was.
Two days later, this is still eating at me. I told Rachel I needed to have an open and honest discussion about this so I knew exactly what happened. She told me she really doesn’t remember it as it was so long ago and was nothing more than a drunken hookup. All she remembers is “there was oral but not for me. I remember that it moved toward sex and we had a moment of ‘Are we really going to do this?’ and we both agreed. I don’t remember what happened other than we didn’t have sex due to a failure with the condom and both passed out. When I woke up, he wasn’t there.” She went on to say “I know how sketchy that sounds but I really don’t remember what happened. I hope you can believe me that we didn’t have sex.”
I want to believe her as we have always talked about everything growing up, including past hookups. Those don’t bother me one bit but this one does as she isn’t able to elaborate on what she means by a failure with the condom (did it cause whiskey dick, did it break right away and they stopped before things got going, etc.) I’ve known about her other past hookups and never had any sort of retroactive jealousy, but I’m really struggling to get over this one.
She understands this is weighing down heavily on me. I’ve told her that I don’t want to see Roy for awhile and that I’d like to decline any invitations to see him (told her she is welcome to see him but I would not be attending due to prior plans). However, I don’t want Roy to know this is causing a recent strain because it hasn’t been an issue until now.
II really want to get over this asap as I understand it’s ridiculous to stew on but I’m struggling bad right now. Thanks in advance for reading my saga and providing any thoughts on the situation ✌🏻
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EDIT/UPDATE: Thank you for sharing your thoughts. It helped me to look at things holistically to determine what to do.
I apologized to Rachel for how I reacted and how I made her feel like she was in the wrong when this was ultimately a personal issue between me and my friendship with Roy.
I let her know that, in fairness to her, I will not bring this up with her again and that I will work on my personal issues/insecurities on my own (either with a therapist or personal reflection) to put my feelings about this to rest.
I let her know that I’ve made the decision to cut all ties with Roy until I work through my personal issues and put my mind at ease. Once I am 100% at peace, whenever that time comes, I will have a friend-to-friend, heart-to-heart discussion with Roy as we have done many times in the past. I need him to know that he hurt me and betrayed my trust with him, but I also feel that it’s fair to give him the chance to give his perspective. Based on this I can make the decision to remain civil with Roy or personally tell him that I will cut all ties with him moving forward.
Rachel doesn’t love the idea about me discussing this with Roy because she doesn’t want me to stir the pot between him and his SO and is concerned if Roy would have conflicting accounts of what happened with him and Rachel, but understands that I need closure with Roy regardless of the outcome of my relationship with him from there.
Thanks again to everyone that took the time to respond to help me take a holistic look at the entire situation and allow me to move forward in the best way possible ✌🏻