Hi everyone,
I (31F) have been married to my husband (33M) for 5 years. We have two young kids together (ages 2 and 1), and we’ve recently moved states for his job, and I am now a stay at home mom. I’ve recently started a wfh job that I do during naps, and after bed or whenever I can while I’m home.
We’re currently separated — he’s living across town — but we’ve been trying to explore reconciliation. The problem is, we see relationships very differently. For me, love in a marriage is about putting in the work even when you’re not “feeling it.” I believe effort, rebuilding trust, and showing up for each other eventually bring the feelings back. He, on the other hand, seems to believe that if he’s not “feeling it,” there’s no point in trying.
He has a lot of childhood trauma and is working with our couples therapist during his own sessions to start healing and he seems dedicated to that and focusing on himself, which I respect, but it often feels like I’ve been pushed aside. I feel lonely and abandoned while I’m carrying the weight of raising the kids and holding our family together. I’ve asked for couples therapy which we have been doing once a week, more effort, and a willingness to actually work through issues, but so far I don’t see much follow-through other than the therapy sessions.
Part of me wants to fight for this marriage because we have kids and history together and I do think if we put in the effort, we can build a good relationship back. But part of me feels like I’m begging someone to choose me when they’d rather check out. I keep thinking: either put in the work to rebuild with me, or admit you don’t want this so I can move on.
I guess I’m asking:
• Has anyone been in a marriage where one partner wasn’t “feeling it,” and did effort/therapy actually bring it back?
• How do I know when to keep trying versus when to accept that he doesn’t want this or isn’t willing to put in the work?
• For those who left, how did you find peace and rebuild your life after?
I’m scared of being a single mom, but I’m more scared of living in limbo with someone who doesn’t want to show up for me and I’m nervous he will keep me here for a long time if it were up to him.
Any perspective, advice, or personal experiences would mean a lot.