**TL;DR;** : Boyfriend of 3 years moved to another city for temporary work a year ago. Now we see each other once or twice a month. He prioritizes family during visits and only sometimes meets me. Recently, he said he’s uncertain about our relationship and can't commit. He needs clarity like we meet and experience each other in settings which reveals who we truly are despite having 2 years worth of in-person connection incolving talking, dining, small events, or games. I’m confused if this is genuine uncertainty or if he’s just delaying to say "No". Should I slow down or move on?
Me (23F) and my boyfriend (23M) have been in a relationship for around 3 years. He has always been very sweet and a true gentleman. I’ve never met anyone who cares for me and shows affection the way he does.We come from different cultural and religious backgrounds. For me, long-term commitment matters like getting married. Before we started dating, I mentioned I wanted a long-term relationship, and he agreed. Over the years, I’ve casually asked how we plan our next steps—mainly to sit down and discuss cultural and religious differences. He always avoided this, and it seemed to throw him off, like it hurt him to think he could lose me. He even cried about it during the first year. So I stopped bringing it up too much. In the beginning (about a year and a half), we used to meet almost every day, talk, and play games together in person and over the phone. From our communication and the way he behaved, I truly felt this was “the one” and that we were forever.
What changed: In the last year, he moved to a different city for work, so now we only meet once or twice a month. (It is temporary work). Whenever he comes back on weekends, he usually spends most of his time with family and only occasionally decides to meet me—not on every visit. In other cases, he says he’s busy with work. I know his job is very demanding. He now texts only late at night for a little bit. I’ve been rearranging my schedule around his so we can talk or meet. He used to call me during work or send small check-ins, but now he doesn’t. Over the year, I’ve shared that I feel distant because we don’t talk or meet like before. I’ve also asked him for clarity because I feel like time is passing and sorting major differences takes time. He never gave me clarity, saying we’d talk when we’re both in a good mental state because I was crying during the conversation. Later, he told me he needs clarity from me. He says he’s unsure if we’re compatible and that we need to spend more time doing things together because “we haven’t explored our personalities enough.” He says he wants certainty and growth, and right now, he doesn’t feel that. He claims he’s emotionally invested, but recently, even emotionally, he feels distant to me—less texting, fewer calls, less gaming. When I see him in person, it feels better than texts or calls like he does show affection but now I also see some more boundaries (in-person) than before. He says he sees the chemistry but wants to see the chemical equation. He told me that when he said “long term” at the start, he meant he would take the relationship seriously—not that he was ready for a future. He also admitted that he’s had these uncertainty thoughts since the beginning. He also says he isn’t ready to commit because for him things come through a pipeline and naturally happen.
Therapy perspective: I’ve been seeing a therapist, and she says this isn’t necessarily a red flag—it’s more about different approaches and expectations. She suggests slowing down. But I’m scared. What if he eventually says no? What if I’m just being used, and he only likes the comfort I give him? I can’t seem to relax or trust that this will work out with patience. I see myself giving a lot, and maybe I’m wrong—or maybe this is my trauma talking. I also see all the good days we spent.
What I need advice on: Should I trust him and slow down, or should I start moving on? I feel depressed, I’m not able to regulate my emotions, and I have no activities in life right now. I definitely don’t want this to end, and I’ve been putting all my energy into making this work