Just to get this out of the way, sex isn't everything for me in a relationship. I like the general compatibility of a relationship (Similar likes/dislikes, being able to enjoy most things together, etc), and having good sexual compatibility is a plus in my eyes. In my view, bad sexual compatibility is a major, if not relationship-ending negative.
I've been seeing this woman for many months now and the topic of sex only came up a couple days ago (For context, she only got comfortable just recently to discuss this big topic). She's not religious, but she insists "she'd prefer to be with 'the one', aka her husband/soulmate when she has sex".
Right now I'm very conflicted. I've really enjoyed these past few months with this woman and we love each other a lot, but no sex before marriage is a huge restriction. I enjoy sex and want an active sex life with a woman I love. Yet, what if we aren't compatible intimately at all? I literally won't know for years. I really don't know how to approach her on this and being honest with her that I can't commit to a years-long celibacy, because that's just not who I am.
13 comments
You might really want to rethink this. If you find that you’re not sexually compatible, it might be tough moving forward.
Maybe she’s worried you’ll leave her after sex. But she’s not seeing the bigger picture – people leave even after marriage, like a week, month, or year later.
Honestly, I don’t get how someone can marry a person without knowing what they’re like in bed. Maybe she just doesn’t have much relationship experience
I’m concerned with the dating for months and only being comfortable talking about important things now… it seems like you’re maybe way more into the relationship than she is.
There’s comfort issues and anxiety and stuff like that and I get that, but stuff like that isn’t a twelfth date topic.
Seems a lot like a bit of a bait and switch going on. She made you care, got you hooked, and changed the game.
I’d be very concerned about narcissistic manipulation here. It sounds like a test of how far she can push you, how much she can control you, and how fast she can trap you… Talk to her honestly about your concerns and your honest position. Don’t let her interrupt and control the narrative. You explain your position and if she constantly manipulates the narrative to make you feel like you’re being pushy or rude or aggressive, or she flips and says something like “maybe for you, but only if you love me”… RUN!
Granted… I’m viewing this from the perspective of someone who went through narcissistic abuse for a decade and I’m very skeptical of anything that smells fishy-and this smells like Pike Place.
You’ve got to do some soul-searching on this. She’s telling you what her values are and you have to decide if that’s something you can accept. There’s more to a relationship than sex and there are plenty of rotten relationships with great sex.
I am split about this… so my advice is to take the information and if your not happy then i would leave… on the surface thats a good standard, however every time ive seen this its one of the key base controlling moves of a narcissist. Being alone doesn’t prove anything, need way more signs, however if its not something you like mentally then i would not spend more time on this person.
Do you want to keep dating her , with the intent to possibly get married?
Keep Going.
If you don’t. Leave her alone.
Not a good idea to save sex for marriage. You run the risk of sexual incompatibility. That was the reason for my own divorce.
I would never date someone that wanted to wait, now.
I’d be worried for all kinds of reasons. What if she’s actually asexual and is waiting until you’re too invested in the relationship to leave?
Or would you be ready to be in a marriage with a dead bedroom? Because you haven’t even really felt out how much both of you would value sex.
Amd frankly if this is just a test, the kind of people who make tests like this are also really problematic in their own way.
Is she assuming you want to marry her? Frankly, your concerns are valid. Is she a virgin at her age? Has she had sex and just now came up with this? It is very important to be compatible sexually. I personally would consider this a deal breaker.
I swear, soooo many people put sex/physical emotions as a secondary to other things that make a relationship. It is not a secondary, it is one of the very important parts of a relationship. I tried it once. I was good for about 3 months, then I realized a giant chunk of our relationship was missing, the physical closeness. Only you can decide, but being in a relationship that is missing a major pillar is not going to go smoothly.
Leave
She has an unrealistic expectation of sex and how its going to be in her life. “The one” is a juvenile concept. Marriages fail all the time, you can do every step right and still lose.
She’s manipulating you 😂 abort mission.