We've been together eight years, married for seven. Today I told my husband that I wanted something to be done differently. It had to do with the way that we parent. It was regarding something occuring in the moment. He blew up and yelled, saying that I should shut up and listed reasons why. The reasons, for one thing, had nothing to do with the conversation that I was trying to have, and secondly, were things that had gone on for some time, some for days and some for months, that I recall him not reacting to and us having a good day despite these apparent transgressions.
This happens often. Always, actually. I'll bring up something that I need, be it regarding the kids, the house, something else – something that it seems perhaps he should be doing and isn't already – he feels attacked, thinks I'm trying to hurt me (I'm trying to help us) and uses things that I've done that he's previously reacted neutrally to, against me.
I tell him over and over again that it feels like the rug is being pulled out from under me, like I'm breaking a code that I didn't get the memo for, like he's a cop letting me know that I've been running red lights over the past five weeks but the truth is the lights had stayed blatantly green.
I ask him to put the fires out when they start, to warn me about them and give me a chance to act accordingly instead of letting them sneak up on me so that I get burned. By fires I mean resentments – I speak in analogies because I don't think the plain descriptions are valid enough.
When he does this it triggers my nervous system. I shake, I cry, I don't know what to do. I spiral. I self destruct. I overreact.
There is a difference between criticising to hurt and criticizing to help. I am trying to help, though he may be hurt by it. He is trying to hurt, and succeeding, and then he carries on with his day because it's off his chest and I want to off myself.
Everyone has things in their relationship that are not working for them. I thought that the point was to share these and work together and that that was what build a strong foundation for a relationship.
I wanted to leave this relationship a long time ago, when we first got married. He told me that I would be taking a step backward in life, that I would not be better off without him, that we should give it time and revisit and see if he wanted to end it. He convinced me that we should have this life together and it would be worth it. And I betrayed myself when I decided to stay. I knew I was settling, he knew I was settling, he told me that it was better than being alone and I believed him. He was the first relationship I'd ever had and it had taken me long enough to find someone who wanted one. This back and forth about leaving happened about four times, and then we got pregnant and never talked about it again.
Now the earnestness he showed about wanting the relationship to work has vanished. I guess we both realized that we had invested in an idea.
I tell him this. I tell him that he fought tooth and nail for this relationship, and ask why he doesn't want to help me build it. At least help make it worthwhile for both of us.
He says that that's the past, it's irrelevant. I should leave if I want. He knows I can't yet afford to, especially with kids (even if he helps me financially, I don't want their mom to live in a bad neighborhood or in a dodgy apartment). I didn't want to be a single mom, he promised to take care of me and be the love of my life. Now it seems not only that he doesn't care if he hurts me, but that it's intentional.
He'll bring up my emotionally abusive parents, say that I'm critical because of them. I can't trust him anymore. We could have the best day and the deepest conversations (these days happen when I contort myself into a small and acceptable box that can balance on years worth of eggshells, all while wearing tight and revealing clothes and being super easygoing), and everything that was said and done that day will get thrown in my face a month later when I tell him that I don't like that I have to wipe his crumbs off the table before I sit down to have my morning coffee.
I know I'm far from perfect. It's clear that I trigger him. I am emotionally dysregulated myself. I am not saying that I don't deserve this.
But it's killing me.
I'm devastated that we see it so differently.
Each time I call him out, I am trying to address and adjust. I want him to know that something isn't working for me, in hopes of resolution but if not, at the very least for transparency.
He thinks it's appalling that I would dare say anything and says that I'm throwing stones.
I'm not saying I don't have flaws, we all do. I just thought that a partner was supposed to be your mirror, not your "yes" person.
I think it's a shame that he saves his observations of me to use as ammo instead of offering them to me from a place of love. I would gladly take them, good, bad and ugly. If only. If only they were for and not against me.
I don't know what to do. I tell him what I need and he won't/can't give it to me. I think it's small. For him, it seems a big ask. Where is the line between controlling him vs. confiding in him?
TL;DR: I address issues with the intention of resolving them. He thinks I do it to criticize him. In defense, he'll call me a hypocrite and list things I've been doing. I will feel stupid because he acted like said things were fine at the time. I ask him not to do blindside me like that, give me warning first. He just can't. He won't. I feel crazy