Husband (M47) doesn’t find me (F46) attractive anymore

12 comments

1. What is causing the issue? Lack of sex? Is he mean to you about your changed appearance? Or is it just the realizing he doesn’t find the change attractive painful? If we are lucky, we will all get old and wrinkly and saggy and the person who loves us will love us for our soul and not necessarily for our looks. It sucks so deeply that your appearance has changed personally, but we need a little more info to give good advice.

2. My grandparents have been married 65 years. At this point I don’t think either of them would be considered hot stuff. We all lose our attractiveness eventually. 

   I find my wife incredibly attractive. But we’ve discussed how one or both of us is going to turn wrinkly and grey first, and that we still want to stick it out to the end because eventually we both will be anyway.

   I seem to recall “in sickness and in health” was part of the vows. You got dealt a bad hand and something came for your looks before old age did, but it seems like your husband is living up to that vow regardless. 

3. I’m so sorry. Are you in contact with your family? Are you close? Because, if it was me, I’d go home and be with the people who adore me. 

   Also, when you look at your grandmother, and all her wrinkles and old face, do you  think she’s beautiful? I do. Everyone who loves their fat, wrinkly, stooped old granny thinks she’s beautiful. Remember this. Your value is not in how you actually look but in who you are as a human being. You are beautiful to those who truly love you. 

   Btw, I have a hunchback and not even my best friend’s 17 year old son has ever said anything, he just adores me. He makes me feel so special. 

   Go somewhere where you will be surrounded by people who love you and look at you with sparkles in their eyes. Don’t subject yourself to this insanity. Your value is beyond anything physical. 

4. So I’m hearing he still loves you, even though he struggles with the physical changes, and you still love him too. That’s sounds like you still have a strong foundation.

   It might help to talk with a therapist, not because anything is “wrong” with you, but because this situation is emotional. I know someone with a serious thyroid condition that completely changed her appearance, yet her husband continues to love her. Love can go beyond looks.

   Also, as people reach their 40’s, 50’s, and older, even healthy couples face big changes in how they look. Honestly, if the 25yo version of you was asked whether they’d find their 50yo partner attractive, the answer might be “No”. Over time, attraction shifts. Shared history, experiences and companionship start to matter more than looks. He may have just been blunt and clumsy in how he expressed it, rather than saying anything that is any real news to couples who age together.

   I think more conversation is necessary. You need to know what he truly means, despite his words, how much weight does he put on appearances, and whether his words are insensitivity or from something deeper. Ask yourself if you are judging your apperance too harshly.

   You’ve got a lot to process. Don’t make any rushed decisions. Give yourself the time to weigh up how you feel, what you need, and whether his love and companionship outweigh the pain of his words.

5. So forget about the illness for one moment. Why do you have no friends? I mean that alone would put a huge amount of strain on a partner. I wouldn’t want to be the only social life of my partner. That’s too much codependency/reliance on someone.

   And it’s showing big time as any negative thoughts from your one point of social life is effecting you. You need to make an effort to have a social life.

6. Did he telling you that you don’t look nice?

7. Im sorry to hear. What illness do you have if you dont mind me asking

8. Alright… so… what’s the illness? How has it become “very clear”?

9. 1. I think this is hard for women in particular as society teaches us that our value is so tied to our appearance. And that it’s so important to be hot. And the beauty standards for women revolve around looking 25 forever… whereas there’s an attractive scale for essentially any age for men where they can look their age and be considered attractive. So. Please keep that in perspective. Youre not alone in all of a sudden considered “not attractive” as a woman. It’s bullshit. But youre not alone. And the key is knowing your value and what does make you attractive outside of your appearance, like your intelligence, your humour, or your social skills. Your appearance really isnt that big of a deal or a reflection of you.

   2. That said, youre ill. I dont know what illness youre referring to and how that influences your appearance, but your health always has to be your number one priority. You can have other partners. You will never have another body or brain.

   3. Your partner is still saying he loves you. Im guessing this is in relation to not having sex rather than him randomly telling you that he doesnt find you attractive. Have you asked him specifically why? Is he struggling emotionally? Is it the fact yiure sick and it freaks him out? Is it the impact of the illness that you know isnt really “you” but just a side effect? Is it the fact youre older? Is he depressed? Does he feel emotionally disconnected from you that attraction just feels difficult? Does he have internalized sexism and has just never thought of natural women of your age attractive based on impossible beauty standards? Personally, i think more context is needed to know how to move forward. But it certainly seems fixable, especially as he has stated he loves you.

   Can i ask why you have no friends? Is this an impact of moving or some lingering effects from covid? Or its been isolating through your illness? I know it can be tough to make friends, but please keep trying to connect with others.

   And, again, i dont know what your illness is, but i hope you get better ❤️

10. I am more worried about your lack of friends. That is something you can work on. The world is full of people that you could make connections too. That is what I would do therapy about.

11. >it just feels so strange to be with someone who doesn’t like the way you look

    If I end up with old spotty skin, hunched over, missing teeth and thinning hair, I would expect my spouse to not like the way I look and prefer I was a beauty. It wouldn’t feel strange, it would feel logical. But I know he wouldn’t tell me to my face that I’m ugly.

    If your husband is telling you to your face that you are unattractive, then you have a husband problem, not a looks problem. He is not worthy of you. At 46 I’d rather be alone than with someone who reminds me of my imperfections.

12. Reddit can’t help you with this