Husband (40) and I (37) are coming up on a decade together, married for 6. I am by no means perfect, I struggle with depression and anxiety and I put on weight from an anti depressant (currently using a GLP1 along with diet and exercise to lose it), but I feel like I am never enough. My husband is extremely critical. This started early but didn’t take full effect until after we were engaged.
I’m talking when I make dinner his only comment will be that I chose the wrong serving utensil. He is aware he sees everything wrong and has to immediately point it out (it has made him extremely successful in his career), but when it comes to the positives he has nothing to say. When I ask him point blank for something he likes about me or a reason he married me he can only come up with I have great tits.
We don’t have kids and I make no demands on his time. Yes he takes on a lot around the house (he meticulously tracks finances, has a lot of high involvement hobbies), but anytime outside of work he does as he pleases. And he is always in a bad mood. He has zero patience with me and snaps constantly. If I try and start a conversation I either don’t give him enough information for him to understand or give him too much that I’m being pedantic. I’m too weird, he doesn’t like how I act in public, my “reality is different from his.”
He’s privileged and gifted, and I come from a working class family. I put myself through college and make a fraction of what he does. I am currently pursuing a graduate degree through my job because he “does not see it paying off” if we paid for it ourselves. When I made the commitment to go through work he had a flippant attitude of “yes, people get masters degrees”. He recently told me my weight loss isn’t going fast enough and I should be moving up on my GLP faster.
Since we’ve been together I have improved and grown so much. I got a certificate that got me a good job, I went to therapy, I worked through my fear of flying, I’ve made new quality friends. And he has changed nothing. But I’m never enough. I’ve stopped trying to make fun conversation and he’s just a fucking bummer. But he says I’m negative and see things differently (ie, wrong).
I’ve been married before, unfortunately he fell into addiction post military and I had to leave for my own safety. But I know what it is to be seen and loved. And I don’t feel either. But is this just real life? Do I have unrealistic expectations? Do we only get 60% of our spouse wishlist?
For background I am also bisexual and have had a girlfriend during our relationship. This was discussed at the beginning of our dating as a possibility. He dated someone last year as well which ended with him being hurt as she found someone to be monogamous with.
I work in the medical field and am surrounded by the realities of life. I just can’t imagine being on my death bed and holding his hand and feeling any sort of comfort from him.