So I was watching this youtube video earlier about how performative nonchalance is ruining modern dating culture, and honestly… i felt so seen cos it perfectly described what I've been going through
I just ended a “talking stage” with someone I genuinely liked, and man, the effort was so one-sided. Every conversation felt like I was dragging things along while she played it cool, acting like it didn’t matter if we talked or not. And it sucks, because I was actually interested and liked her.
What’s wild is, I know friends who’ve been in the exact same situation. We keep claiming we’re all lonely, wanting connection, but then people choose to put on this facade of indifference, like showing you care is embarrassing. It’s draining, confusing, and honestly just sad.
I don’t get it. Why are we doing this to ourselves? Why is vulnerability in dating treated like a weakness instead of, you know, the whole point?
I'm so drained, god, I just want to be loved equally, if not equally, at least with some effort, i don't want to be the one doing all the work. And man i have so much love to give
18 comments
It’s a weird one because to me alot of that behaviour generally stems from insecurity over being annoying or coming on too strong so people go to the other extreme of nonchalant. In the case of ladies generally I take that behaviour as a clear sign of lack of interest. If you still want to try it ask her ion a date. The act tends to not hold up in person.
Wow, I could’ve written this myself. Two of my past relationships felt exactly like what you’re describing, one was during the “pursuing” stage and the other was when we were already officially dating. In both, I ended up putting in all the effort, while they barely showed me that they cared. Eventually I just got burnt out emotionally. I hate that this is becoming so common. Just wanted to share so you know you’re not alone in this. I really hope we both find our people
is it performative or do they just not care? It seems more like the latter is more the norm. Women just don’t care.
I think a lot of people genuinely want connection but have been burned before, so now everyone’s too scared to look vulnerable first. It’s a defense mechanism disguised as aloofness. But ironically, that just makes everyone feel more alone
If there is no interest seen during initial phase, why expect a change later ?
I would cut and leave instead of getting involved and then same stuff goes on
Nahhhhhh it’s a two way street. As men we can steer convo if interest is there…. You can’t get them out of their shell? Maybe you just be yourself and not give a f about what they think with you being vulnerable. Just be vulnerable and discuss subjects that are deep and personable and I’m telling you that you will start seeing better results
They’re just not that interested. They aren’t being performative, its just that they’re putting in effort with the people they are actually interested in, which unfortunately doesn’t include you. Also, women do seem to often use dating apps as a kind of hobby instead of a way to meet people lol
If they’re not interested then stop forcing them to talk to you. It’s dead so let it die. Stop watering dead plants. This video is really tough to watch with this bad audio and her sounds
Feels, I have the same sentiment toward a recent engagement. It’s to where I shouldn’t even feel bad about it given how clinical and cold it felt even though we made it 5 dates and if I had done that with anyone in the past it would’ve been relationship material.
Nah bro like a few others have said, it’s not performative, it’s just insufficient interest. The sooner you learn to cut these kinds of people out of your life immediately when it becomes apparent they’re not feeling it, the more sane you’ll remain lol.
“Fuck yes or fuck no” etc etc
Still be you, but identify when the other side isn’t putting in the effort and don’t hang on thinking it’ll change. I’m gonna take my own advice on this one, thanks for pointing out something I couldn’t put into words.
Channel all that love you have to give into yourself. Build yourself up. Take yourself on dates. Tell yourself you’re fucking beautiful.
We want what we can’t have, so that nonchalance is part of their attractiveness and can be part of yours too. You can be nonchalant and vulnerable all in one package. Rome wasn’t built in a day.
You’re message reads like you were attracted to a woman, you made a lot of effort with her, she wasn’t interested but she felt obliged to reply or entertain the possibility to avoid confrontation and keep things friendly and now you’ve finally realised she’s not interested in you you’re labelling her behaviour as “Performantive Nonchalance”.
Bro maybe she just doesn’t like you romantically? You’re not entitled to her because you have feelings, tell what I’ve missed?
It’s because she wasn’t that into you, but you gave her enough benefits for her to want to stay around, i.e you probably took her on free dates and gave gifts.
Use this as motivation to self improve so you’ll find someone who values you for you in the future.
Your message reads like you were attracted to a woman, you made a lot of effort with her, she wasn’t interested but she felt obliged to reply or entertain the possibility to avoid confrontation and keep things friendly and now you’ve finally realised she’s not interested in you you’re labelling her behaviour as “Performantive Nonchalance”.
Bro maybe she just doesn’t like you romantically? You’re not entitled to her because you have feelings, tell me what I’ve missed?
Was funny in the video how nonchalantly she began – applying lip gloss and then repeatedly smacking her lips in a distracting, non-chalant manner.
Ambivalent relationships are the most draining. Enthusiasm or nothing – in friendships, romance and life.
Also, correct me if i’m wrong but to put the facade up is the thing that requires actual work, instead of just being yourself.