My husband(M40) and I (F34) have been married 16 years, have 3 kids (10,12,15). He has a family history of substance abuse and has battled it him self, he is not sober issues weed and drinks on weekends but generally maintains things to controlled amounts. We have had arguments over the years about porn use, which escalated to wanting a three way( I did not give one), he posted my photos on reddit without consent, he has a secure folder on his phone that he had 1000s of pictures of other women. More recently he had agreed to get ride of the photos and quit porn. Since then atleast 4 or 5 times I found photos saved again. This week I found photos of an ex friend of mine and another woman. They were just regular photos but recent ones. I confronted him about it. Turns out the other girls is his ex girlfriend and apparently she works at the sister company to his employer so while he does not have much contact there is some line of communication between them. Enough so that he suggests we all go for lunch so I can meet her and see there is nothing to worry about. None of this sat right with me. I already wasn’t a porn fan due to the increase usage, down the rabbit hole of desire and addiction and stress it added to our marriage. Well I kept asking more about why he had them, he admitted that he had them to masterbate to at a later time. He denied doing it but doesn’t matter I don’t believe him. He has been caught in to many lies to many times. I flat out told him to it all stops or im leaving. He agreed, deleted his social media ( just the apps) and said he would give it up. Fast forward to today, he’s mad at me for 11 years ago. His drinking was as a huge problem at the time, like drink till he blacked out at times. I was also going through some stuff as I had just had a baby less than a year prior and lost my dad the same year, and took in my 16 year old brother. I had enough and I left him. We were separated about 4 months, I very casually dated another guy, nothing serious just a few dates, didn’t sleep with him. He fought for me back, made changes, told me what I wanted to hear, and we were good for a while. Well now he’s telling me it’s unresolved trauma and he never actually forgave me and I get the sence that he ain’t to remorseful for these pictures I have found and thinks I’m to blame for him feeling like shit about himself or his ADHD is to blame ( he is medicated). He always has an excuse. Or lays on the guilt trip about how bad things will be for him to be alone and how he’s so use to disappointment etc. I think he might be a narcissist, any time I’m upset he’s more upset or things are worse for him etc. I just feel like he cannot understand how much he is hurting me. We have good jobs, nice home, our kids are happy but they are also getting old enough so see some of what’s going on. I was kid myself having our first baby at 18. I am so lost, part of me doesn’t want to end things but I also don’t believe he will change. I’m sick of the battle I’m sick about feeling shit about myself. We have a decent sex life, he has tons of photos and vids of me, never enough.. and it’s people we know and an ex! I’m disgusted. I do not think he respects me. I don’t have many friends and honestly to embarrassed to tell them anyways, my family lives across the country.. I’m gonna start counseling but wanted to hear if anyone else has been in a similar situation and advice.
Thanks
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