I need help navigating something.
I (27F) have been married to my husband (27M) for almost 5 years, together 11, since we were 16 years old. We have two beautiful toddlers. Immediately prior to dating him, I dated another boy that I have never been able to get over.
When husband and I got together, my home life was crumbling. Grueling divorce, significant drama that had me falling apart. Him and his family were my safe place, my stability, and I think that’s why I naively fell in love with him.
He has never made me feel emotionally safe. He isn’t affectionate, has narcissistic tendencies, can be controlling. Recently, I’ve come to the harsh conclusion that I deserve better. I wrote him a strongly worded, heartfelt letter explaining to him everything.
All the while, I’ve always thought about my previous boyfriend. Always checked his socials, wondered what he up to, imagined life with him versus my husband.
At the same time I wrote my husband the aforementioned letter, this ex boyfriend messaged me. He apologized for breaking up with me, that he was incredibly immature, and that it’s the biggest mistake of his life. That he’s thought about me every day for the last 11 years. He’s still single.
Now, I’m spiraling. I’m not fulfilled in my current marriage, and heres a man I have always had feelings for expressing the same things.
I realize how it sounds. It’s bad. It’s wrong, and I’m suffering with it. My husband doesn’t deserve a wife who thinks about and has secret feelings for another man. He deserves a wife who loves him and only him. But I don’t have the strength to leave. Especially with children. I’m scared to be the villain. I’m scared of being selfish. But I can’t get the other man out of my head.