This is going to be messy. i went on a 10 days trip with my best friend. it feels weird. I see him as a friend but why am i missing him so much and i am constantly talking about him only. we dont have a future. he moved out to dublin years ago and i live in another country – his home country. he is crushing over a women who lives in UK, he has moved in a flat with another female friend of his, he is talking to a third women on bumble and will meet her soon. i am close to him but not more than a friend. We were together for 10 days all the time – same room, same schedule, same time, everything. we were not even talking much most of the time – we saw italy together, we travelled together, everything but nothing happened between us. we even fought and that was the first time i saw him getting angry at me but it was valid. we sorted it out but i still feel weird. He is my best person in my life and i do not want to lose him at all. I just hope i dont do anything which pulls him away from me. He is in my life much closer than people who sit 4-5 kms away. he was taking care of me and he was respecting my personal space too but i hate it when i get jealous at the thoughts of other people – women – in his life because i want more attention. i secretly did want to cross our lines during the trip or have something more but i knew this feeling is temporary and it will ruin everything for us. i felt he was givign me signs too but i knew he wont even touch me without me saying anything.he would lean in a little too close to me often – be it in our room, sometimes when we were lying next to each other, or in public, he would lean in too close. Somedays when i was looking extra hot and nice he would never meet my gaze and look away quickly until he wore glasses – then he would talk to me. he asked me to drink wine even when i was refusing – he said live a little and do whatever you want. him cracking dirty jokes 1-2 times but i brushed it away. he took care of me like nobody else. not even my family. constantly tracking if i slept or no, if i ate or not? Kept looking behind if i am still there. slowed his pace knowing i got blisters and i cannot walk fast. He didnt complain even once. he kept asking me daily – did you eat? you ate right? you are eating very less.. Are you feeling okay? He legit took my suitcase while walking saying i am just testing it while he was taking it from me so that i can walk easily. Open doors for me. Kept being around me all the time. Scolded me when i would go away from him saying that i am alone here, i could get lost i cant look for you, you dont have enough internet etc etc….
I am the kind of person who has to be the bigger person for others and have to take care of them, take care of navigation, hotel bookings, plan the day, arrange everything. for the first time in my life someone was doing that for me – someone was taking care of me and making sure i was okay, he was clearly observing me way too much because everyday he would tell me – you slept before me last night, you slept the moment you hit the bed, i saw you didnt sleep the entire night, i saw you kept waking up, tell me what are you thinking…. i didnt have to use my brain and i could trust him blindly. it felt like a married couple with a marriage of 30 years is on a trip – he was considerate, taking care of me, making sure i was okay, keeping a watch on me, when i was not okay he gave me space and respected my boundaries. yes i do feel i saw a new side of him which i was unaware about but i am glad i did. i am still afraid something might pull him away or i might lose him but i can never imagine losing him.
Am i thinking too much?