Hi! So, I found out my husband was attempting to have an affair with our neighbor about a year ago. It totally blindsided me, but looking back and in therapy I can understand he was feeling frustrated about things. He said he used to fantasize about being with “someone like her” and it got out of hand. No excuse for betrayal, none. I had gotten a lawyer and an apartment immediately as there was no way I could stay in our house knowing he had such strong feelings for our neighbor (she did not return them, which in some ways makes me almost sad he blew it all up for nothing). But I was struggling with panic attacks and just too destroyed generally to process anything after I found out, and he left immediately after I found out and just never really reached out. Refused to talk to me or see me, blamed me for him reaching out to her and I think generally too embarrassed I found his messages to consider my pain. He 100% abandoned the scene!
Anyway, few months later I’m starting to process things and ask him if he is interested in R, we have been together for so long and a lot to throw away. I could find relief in nothing physical really happening. He says yes but not right now and I find out he had been dating someone else for about a month. He moved back into the home I left (still own!) and she was just in there now, petting my cats and sleeping in my bed. Wrecked me again, lost my shit and he said he would discontinue contact with her if it meant no R in the future. Said he didn’t consider it cheating since I moved out, regardless of my attempts to R. But now there is a physical aspect for me to fixate on and process all over on my own. After this, my therapists suggested he may not be a likely candidate for R, but hope lives on yah know.
That was two months ago, and I’ve been struggling to get him to speak or talk to me much still. He says he needs to find his own therapist first and do some work on himself, but asked me to keep giving him space and promised no more women while I wait. He agreed to see me for an hour or so once a month, when he “tests” me to see if I say the right things and I have to plan it and pay for any food or whatever since I make more money (romance is dead folks, I would swoon at a compliment and that takes me to the next part). I haven’t passed one of these breadcrumb time-slots yet but I still cry every time he “has to go” and refuses to so much as hold my hand.
I went out for drinks with some gal pals recently and a very handsome man was hitting on me and kissed me. I thought it should feel gross, but it absolutely did not and we hooked up. Honestly it was great in the moment for my self esteem and he was so nice, the kindness part was really I think what I was missing most. And also yes he was again very attractive and I’ve gotten very fit in this separation, so it was wonderful to be seen. But now I am feeling like I am on my husbands level of shit behavior in this separation. I knew I was obviouslyyyy frustrated that it’s been in me to improve and forgive without any encouragement, but I married the guy. He used to be nice and that’s what I think about when he’s not now. I give him the excuse of shame or guilt at being found out for his coldness. Hoping he can express more feels when he can commit to MC, which he says he will after he’s had time with his IC.
Did I blow any chance of R? Reading this back I guess it really doesn’t seem promising in general before my ONS. I do still love and miss him though, I had been rooting for him to be ready to try with me again and so fixated on being a forgiving/workaholic/fitness nun, I am disappointed in myself for accepting the temporary validation from a stranger. Anyway, I guess feedback would be helpful since I’m spiraling about it anyway. This is a true ramble but I hope it makes some sense. Have I given him the excuse he may have been waiting for to fully just give up on our marriage?