My (28M) girlfriend (26F) wants to move in together but I’m worried about our different spending habits?

34 comments

1. >Should we have a serious money talk before moving in together

   Absolutely you should. But from what you’ve written, I don’t see it ending well. I wouldn’t move in with her.

2. I’m so confused, why do you think you shouldn’t talk about spending habits when moving in together? How can you share a life with someone who doesn’t want the same lifestyle as you? Of course you bring it up.

3. Moving in together *without* figuring this out is asking for a break up.

   Talk about it. See if you can come to a middle ground. If you can’t, don’t move in.

4. If she’s living paycheck to paycheck, then she can’t really afford that stuff. What would happen if she lost her job, or got sick or injured? Is she putting anything away for savings or retirement?
   If she wants to talk about moving in you absolutely need to be able to talk about money and what it would look like in the future when you have shared expenses and shared life goals.
   You have to be able to talk openly about money and share your budget.

5. You should absolutely have a serious money talk before moving in, 100%.

   It sounds like her spending makes you uncomfortable, and your attempts to switch to cheaper options makes her uncomfortable. So you both need to talk about it instead of giving each other awkward glances hah. Tell her your financial goals, the way you manage your money, and when it comes to moving in, your budget for rent, utilities, etc. If she wants to upgrade apartments later and it’s not in the budget, then it’s just not in the budget and you stay put (or she needs to cover the extra, but it sounds like that would be a poor decision for both of you).

   Think about things like who will manage paying the rent and utilities. Will you have to chase her down for her half of the rent? Are you confident she’ll always have the money on time? Will it irritate you if you’re always the one managing the bills?

   When living together, will you feel more pressure to go out to eat or get takeout with her? Will she be upset you’re always eating separately with meal prepping? That can end up being a stressor, even if neither person is “wrong” about their preferences.

   If something happens (her car breaks down, other unexpected expense), will she be able to handle it, or will you end up feeling obligated to cover it? Is she willing to make any financial adjustments like putting away a percentage for savings?

   I don’t necessarily think this is insurmountable, but I think communication and compromise on both sides will be needed. Not to say you need to let your budget go, but maybe like… if you have a tendency to comment on the price of everything when you go out, for example, try not to do that. Work out alternating nicer outings with cheap/free ones and plan them together.

6. “Don’t get me wrong, she can afford her lifestyle and isn’t in debt, but she lives pretty much paycheck to paycheck.”

   From a planning a future with someone point of view this is a contradictory statement.

7. Plenty of couples have different wants or needs when it comes to spending money. Though it’s hard, most of them just have a conversation about it because saving money when able is important – most people who like to spend a lot of money are still aware of this and are willing to cut back even though it’s difficult. If you’re a healthy couple, this should just take an hour or so and then a couple of weeks of practice on her end so that she can easily manage her spending. Furthermore, conserving on spending doesn’t mean she has to lose out on the expensive things ALL of the time.

   Just talk about it.

8. You NEED to talk about this. These kinds of differences grow over time, and odds are incredibly good that at some point this WILL blow up the relationship if you don’t address it directly.

9. I wanted to give you some advice as a female and I admit me (F26) and my partner (M29) who are in a similar situation. I admit I have a spending habit and so does he but he makes the bulk of the money in our relationship and it’s easier for him to save in comparison to me. While I work making Pennie’s in comparison and I also raise 3 young kids and majority of the bills are in my name. I own a home so it allows him to save his coins instead of worrying about paying for rent. It’s 1 expensive that he doesn’t have to worry about.

   Moving in together is only 1 step. You’ll learn more about one another. And it’ll give you more of an ability to communicate your frustrations with one another a lot better. Me and my partner been living together since we started dating 3 months in. I moved in with him so we could do simple renovate of my home and then when his lease was up. He moved in with me been together hitting almost 4yrs and we raise our kids together.

   I’d say money and finances is the one thing we do not fight about. Maybe saving money this year just because he wants to pay debt off for both of us. But it’s not the things that is argued about.

   All I can say is you got this and you can tell her how you feel and maybe she will feel hurt but your voicing your opinions and that’s what matters

   Thanks for listening,

10. As someone who is nearing a couple decades with what once was an impulse spender: do not do it unless you’re sure she’ll agree with you on a budget and stick with it. You sit down and work on it together, compromise where you can, come up with a way that keeps you both actively involved in your household finances.

    However you split bills or whatever will *vastly* depend on you guys’ finances but what I recommend is that old advice about having so much in emergency savings first? Do that for *both* of you and understand that life’s got a way of not allowing you to go 50/50 all the time on all things- prepare for ebb and flow, and you will be so much better off.

    I mean, my partner and I are evidence that even if you don’t, you can eventually work it out- but if I had it to do over again, that’s what I would have done and it would have ABSOLUTELY saved tears. (And more than a few near breakups) You can’t avoid all disagreements or arguments but in this? You can definitely start out on much better footing.

    Whatever you do: **do not** shoulder the budgeting and such by yourself. I’m a math nerd, at the time, it made sense that I’d handle the bills, right? *Wrong*! Do not do this, it will not make things easier- in fact, it makes it harder.

11. You need to talk to her and see how she suggests compromising. I’m more like
    You and my husband more
    Like your gf. We both made compromises and changed a bit to meet more in the middle over the years. 

    I would just talk to her and say you both live differently and ask if she’s willing to meet in the middle and maybe you can too? Are you willing to compromise on your strict budget? 

    Rent and utilities aren’t over spending, so that should be split 50/50. Maybe agree to eat out two nights a week, you pick one and she picks the other? And then you can both meal prep the other days. And then if she wants extras with friends or by herself she’s free to spend her money how she wants.

    But you have to communicate 

12. Someone who lives paycheck to paycheck cannot afford their lifestyle.

13. You need to raise all these very reasonable points with her.
    If she has no savings but spends on luxury, she’s financially reckless and can’t afford her lifestyle.
    Tell her that you will move in with her when she shows you savings in the amount of at least four months of her monthly income.

14. Do NOT move in with her.

    She wants you to help fund her spendy lifestyle..

    She will come up short on the rent. You will be forced to cover it.

    Rethink your whole relationship and if you want someone who doesn’t want what you want.

15. Why on earth would you move in with someone without having a serious money talk?? That absolutely needs to happen, although do you think she would respond well to it?

    Also, if she’s living paycheck to paycheck, she can’t afford her lifestyle. She’s bad at making financial decisions. You sure you want to tie yourself to that?

16. If she’s living paycheck to paycheck, then she actually CANT afford her current lifestyle. Just because someone isn’t in debt, doesn’t mean everything is hunky dory. You two aren’t on the same page at all financially. Before moving in, I’d meet with a financial advisor together. Talk about monthly income vs expenses and what realistic savings goals are. I’d make this an actual stipulation and force some hard conversations.

    Going into this blindly will absolutely blow up in your face spectacularly with someone who treats money like it’s just there to burn. Red flags for sure.

17. You have to talk about it openly. I think my now-husband would have viewed us the same way when we were first together – I went out for dinner five nights a week, bought things I wanted without much thought, and had never budgeted in my life. Whereas he’s always been a very frugal saver/budgeter.

    When we sat down to talk about it he realized that while I don’t budget, I do keep track broadly of what I’m spending and had enough left over each month that I was making significant extra payments on my student loans. He just didn’t have insight into the fact that I saved money in other ways (didn’t have a car, lived with roommates, etc.) and was just spending consistent with what I enjoyed while still having plenty left over.

    Over the years I’ve adopted more of his frugality and he’s loosened up a bit, but because we talked about it we knew we were broadly on the same page even if it didn’t look like it from the outside, and we’ve stayed that way. Do I sometimes push for nicer hotels? Yes. Does he push for less takeout? Yes. But we’re on the same big picture page where that stuff isn’t going to make or break our finances so it works out.

18. Dont be the guy paying for everything, while shes out partying.

19. You absolutely need to talk about this and about your 5 year plan and longer term plans. NOW is the time to save for retirement; your thirties and forties can fly by without ever having started. Moving in isn’t just about whether you are good now- but will you be good in the future too?

20. Don’t move in together. Her lifestyle will creep into yours and you will be miserable. It will start small with her being short a little this week, then a little more next time. At your age being on the same page with finances is so important and will impact everything in your future.

21. Don’t combine finances – half the bills. Encourage her to continue living her normal life even with you there cause she will resent you if you make her change

22. My now wife was like your girlfriend financially. 

    My education is in Fin/Econ. The compromise so that I wouldn’t have panic attacks every time she booked flights to Europe or Costa Rica is that she affords our lifestyle in the present, and my assets are 100% saved and invested for our future. We still live within her income, she has savings, it’s just much more expensive living than I’ve ever done.

    In your case, you could save a larger portion of your income to offset her spending habits. Rather than our extreme. 

    Things adding up and the additional financial load is starting to give her the realization she needed without me having to nag her. 

    And to boot she’s starting to understand the power of compounding interest watching my/our portfolio grow over the years.

    We check-in weekly/monthly to make sure our financial expectations are still aligned and so far we’re very happy with our little lives.

23. Different spending habits turn into the fastest eviction notice known to man.

24. Just remember, that money that you’re saving, when she breaks up with you, she’ll be entitled to half, legally, and she’ll go after it. Protect yourself.

25. You need to talk to her about moving in together and your expectations. Because you are not living the same way at all.

26. You are me and my fiance. He’s very good at budgeting and has a ton of investments and emergency funds. I’m responsible but very impulsive and just want to enjoy life and have fun. All my bills are paid and my debt is interest free and I could pay it all off, but don’t want to deplete most of my modest savings. I have retirement too, but don’t put in as much as he does. He also makes significantly more than I do. We split expenses by income level, but for trips, we each buy our own flights unless one of us is surprising the other one.

    He’s expressed concerns, but we keep our money separate and I’m not asking him to fund my lifestyle. I don’t think he’s cheap and being frugal is a good quality. I’ve introduced him to a lot of the “luxuries” that I enjoy and have converted him for most things. He knows that I’m responsible, but I do make him nervous. He has helped me not buy everything on impulse as well. We’ve been together for 6 years.

    You definitely should have a talk with her and figure out how you want to split expenses and what budgets for vacations should be.

27. You can have this conversation about finances now or pay lawyers to do it later.

28. “I notice she gets uncomfortable when I syggest…” but you’ve never had a direct conversation about financial goals or spending philosophies? And now you’re wondering if you can just skip that before putting yourself on the hook for her rent?

    There is a serious lack of open communication in this relationship. If you think she’ll respond so poorly to you asking to make a shared household budget, then you’d be so delusional to trust her to not to drive the price of your lifestyle through the roof.

29. You need to definitely think about this and have a good talk about this. Though a common way people I know who handle this is “his/hers/ours”.

    The ours account is for bills and expenses and both contribute their share to cover these needs and is a joint account.

    The his and hers are individual accounts and that’s what’s left over after the expenses and you can spend or save as you want. You can do the same for a vacation account in which you both contribute x amount to meet the goal.

    Though the issue is if you trust her enough to put her share into the joint accounts or not.

    I also feel while the timing of a lease expiring is a usually a good time to consider moving in together, if you are reluctant or have a gut feeling not to take this next step then don’t do it. You can renew the lease and hang on to see how you play out in the next year which at your age can make a huge difference.

30. > she can afford her lifestyle and isn’t in debt, but she lives pretty much paycheck to paycheck

    Those two things sound like the complete opposite of each other. Obviously a long talk about budgets is in order

31. This could have easily been a post stating…

    “Help! I moved in with my girlfriend and now our relationship with money and budgeting is creating havoc on our happiness. What should I do?!?”

    The fact that you’ve identified and questioned this possible friction between you two is a saving grace. Use it.

    For what it’s worth, here’s what the AI overview says when asked about finances and divorce:

    >Finances are consistently listed as a primary, if not the top, reason for divorce, with issues like disagreement over spending, debt, financial infidelity, and differing financial goals contributing to marital strain and breakdowns in trust and communication. While money itself isn’t the cause, it’s the underlying conflicts about how it’s managed, valued, or spent that erode the relationship.

    Good luck.

32. You have to have the same or very similar attitudes towards money if you are going to build a life together.

33. What’s the end goal here? If she doesn’t change, you’ll end up slaving away your life with no retirement because she’ll drag you down financially. Your marriage will end up in a divorce because of financial reasons. Don’t to her about it and see if she’s willing to change.

    Living paycheck to paycheck when you’re in a position to do better makes me cringe af. If you’re working 2-3 jobs to put food on the table, that’s a different story.

34. You’ve been dating 2 years and are in your late 20s, I probably would have broached this subject 6 months ago.

    Just sit down some day and lay out your concerns without being judge-y. I wouldn’t even bring up the moving in thing.

    “I’ve noticed that you and I seem to have some different views about money and I’d like to talk about it. There are times that you spend on things that I wouldn’t, and we should talk about this. I’d like us to have similar financial goals and a way to get there together.”