I F29 and my husband M35 are together for 7 years, married for 5, we got twins M3. This situation happened last Tuesday. The kids were in childcare until 1pm, I was supposed to work from 1pm to 6pm. My mum F55(who works from home with flexible hours) or her husband M63 (who is retired) were supposed to pick up the children from child care, my husband was supposed to pick the children up from them after work.
I knew my that my husband had en emergency at work and he wouldn't have been able to leave sooner.
Tuesday morning I left the children at childcare, went home did some gardenwork. After that I made myself some breakfast at around 10am. While I was eating I suddenly got so extremely dizzy that I had to hold myself at the table to not fall of the bench. I tried laying down for a moment, than I got the feeling that I needed to puke because I was so dizzy. I crawled to toilet where I sat on the floor crying.
After about an hour I called my mum to come and get me. I didn't call my husband because I knew he wouldn't be able to do anything. He was working an emergency. My mum told me to call at work, which I did. She got me and drove me to a doctor, who sent me to a hospital to get a CT scan of my head.
My mum's husband got the children from childcare during all of that.
All this time I couldn't look at my phone or write a text message because I was so extremely dizzy. I could barely walk a straight line.
Anyways, the dizziness got better with time and the hospital did a whole lot of tests, but couldn't determine any reason for it. At around 4pm I finally felt good enough to write to my husband.
My mum then drove me home with some medication they gave me.
My husband called and asked how I am and if he should get some fast food on the way home.
We ate I went to bed at around 5:30pm and slept directly.
My husband put the kids to bed and then got drunk alone. He came to bed in the middle of the night complaining to me that he feels like my mum is more important to me than he is, because I called her instead of him. And he doesn't like that I didn't write directly (I am not supposed to call him at work). I just told him that I am sorry and went back to sleep.
The next night he did the same thing, he doesn't accept my apology and says that he doesn't like that I called her instead of him and that he is so so worried because he doesn't know what's wrong with me. Which nobody knows currently.
I can't really handle him being angry at me for that, but I don't know either if I really did do something wrong, because I really only tried to be considered with his work schedule.
Was not calling him directly really that inconsiderate or did I hurt his ego or is it just the alcohol speaking?
27 comments
Why did you not get your mother to text him? Even if he couldn’t immediately see it he would have gotten it when he was able to.
He is probably really scared and worried for you and he’s lashing out in fear.
He knew you were medically incapacitated and he got drunk alone with you + kids in bed. You were right to call your mom, sounds like your husband isn’t reliable. You’d have had to call her again if it came back.
How often does he do things like this?
This is about him and how he thinks he looks to your mum. This isn’t about him worrying about you or your wellbeing.
“I knew you were very busy at work and was worried about interrupting you as I know how important your job is. In the future, if you would like me to interrupt your work and ask you to leave to help me, I will but I thought I was doing the right thing.”
I would have contacted my husband immediately.
You could have told him that your mom is taking you so there is no need to worry. He can finish up at work. He should have been able to make that decision not you.
My husband would have left work immediately and come to be with me. You took that option away from your husband by not telling him.
If it were me, I’d be upset my husband waited so long to tell me he was at the hospital. I wouldn’t want to be left in the dark about a health concern, even if I couldn’t get to the hospital. Your mom could have sent a text or the nurse could have called for you.
But also it’s totally not right that he got drunk while you are still recovering and not even sure what’s wrong with you yet. What if you had another episode while he was too drunk to care for your kids or take you to the hospital? Totally irresponsible of him
Is there a history of you prioritizing your mom, or going to you mom first?
Why didn’t your mum, step dad or the hospital contact him. You knew he couldn’t help you forgot he still needs to know your struggles while also knowing your family has you.
This sounds like he was worried about you, which with men frequently translates to anger and looking for something to blame the worry on. In this case, I would suggest reminding him that you weren’t able to do anything with your phone because of the dizziness, then sit down with him and come up with a plan of action for any future problems like this. For instance, in this case, your mom should’ve notified him that she had taken you to the hospital and kept him updated about tests that were being run and what the doctors were saying. Both of you sit down together and figure out how anything like this should go, then talk to both your families, so that everyone’s aware of what’s expected for emergencies. Make sure that everyone has the needed phone numbers, that all parents know how to text and that they understand that keeping spouses in the loop is critical.
Family emergencies especially medical ones trump work emergencies. If you were unable to contact your husband immediately then your mother should have had the commonsense to message him. He is your delegate, he should have been informed so he was at least prepared to speak to the hospital if required until he got there.
Ok first, I also thought that at least your mom should have texted your husband. Actually I would have naturally expected and anticipated that. I think I’d feel kinda disappointed by my mom if she didn’t do that, without me having to tell her.
BUT after reading your comments I understand yours and her reaction. You should have mentioned he drinks regularly. He is not a reliable, responsible and safe person to be around. Actually, I would start looking for a safe place to go until he gets his drinking under control. He is an alcoholic and you gotta be honest and true to yourself in understanding that and protecting you and your children. You are ALREADY obviously not counting on him. So why are you still living with him? His behaviour the nights after the incident is completely unacceptable, both as a partner and a parent. He endangered you and the kids by not being on alert for your health and staying sober for potentially taking you to the hospital again/taking care of the kids.
I absolutely get why he’s mad. I get that you were apparently SO dizzy but I cannot think of a situation outside of being unconscious where it wouldn’t occur to me to find someone to get a message to my husband.
I think you need to be honest with yourself here. If your instinct is to defend your self by repeatedly explaining how messed up you were and that it genuinely didn’t occur to you to text anyone (or have mom text) that’s fine. But make sure that’s true. Only you genuinely know the following:
1) whether it EVER occurred to you in your head that you should find a way to tell your husband.
2) If it did not occur to you, WHY? Were you genuinely so in the moment that you weren’t thinking or is this a larger thing where your mom is the default.
This is one of those situations where defending yourself too much will harm your marriage. He’s hurt. He has a reason to be. Hear him out. Avoid the urge to just explain over and over how dizzy you were without acknowledging the validity of what he’s also saying
OP My (now ex) husband had travelled to another state for work and he became so ill while there, that an ambulance was called and he was admitted for an overnight stay in a hospital. He didn’t tell me until he returned home from his trip. He reasoned that we weren’t in a financial position for me to travel to him & he was receiving the care he needed. He knew I would worry so he didn’t tell me.
When he did tell me, I listed to his reasons and accepted them and my thoughts were focused on him now and wanting to check that he was ok. I told him I felt sorry that he had to go through that alone and I told him that I love him and I’m glad he’s ok now.
And I think my response is the normal, healthy way these things should go.
I’m sorry your husband has got himself all butt hurt and is making it all about him, instead of showing genuine concern for your health.
He can not speak to you sober? He drunk a lot?
He can be all pissed he want, he has alcool addiction problem and put his alcool before you, then relying on your mother more than on him is just the way to go.
If he want it different, he need to change himself.
I’ve been that dizzy, and I’m sorry that it seems a lot of commenters are failing to sympathize. You can’t just power through it to look at a screen. Know that some of us understand. I am very sorry that you are going through this.
Whatever got to you sounds environmental to me – something in the garden you came in contact with, something in your breakfast, or maybe a medication you took that interacted poorly? It’s normal to be concerned, and for most spouses that manifests in caring for you, not blaming you, waking you up, adding to your burden by being drunk when you might become incapacitated by illness again. He sounds a bit controlling throughout your post. I’m assuming it’s what he’s said about work in the past that guided your thinking about contacting him to begin with. Give yourself some slack. Don’t hesitate to remind him that he’s not the victim, here. More than anything, take care of yourself and share any odd things you notice with friends and family. People around you are acting strangely, and that’s not your fault.
You were having a medical crisis but he expected you to consider his feelings. He seems really insecure to me.
Your mom fucked up by not texting if you were truly incapacitated. It’s like she tried to keep it in the family, but guess who is outside of that circle…
I understand where your husbands coming from- I’d want to know asap if my partner was in hospital- but he’s handled it terribly and owes you an apology for that.
It’s strange your mum didn’t think to text him either, maybe part of his over reaction to you calling her over him (even though it was the best thing for you to do) is because he feels pushed out by her? If this is the case he should’ve raised it when you were feeling better.
His feelings are valid, but he isn’t handling it well if he’s turning to alcohol as the solution. If he’s that worried about your health, he should be sober and able to act on your behalf if you have another episode.
I think not only does he not feel important enough to you, but he also doesn’t feel important to your mom, since she didn’t bother to text or call him either. Even if my fiancé couldn’t do anything for me in the moment, I think it’s important that he know if something was going on with me that was that important.
Even if you couldn’t text him because you were dizzy your mom should have texted him even if he wouldn’t see if right away. Your mom mentioned you texting him you could have asked her to do it. Is this not the first time that you’ve contacted your mom when something happened and you left him out of the loop?
Your husband has an alcohol problem and you are making it your fault? You have impossibly low self esteem.
How often does your husband stay up drinking and ruminating on your faults? Do you think if he were experiencing a medical emergency, you would be resentful of the way he handled it?
Emergencies are scary and miscommunications happen.
If my spouse called another family member and I did not even get told, it would bother me. Your husband is off based because he got drunk and is blaming you and not accepting an apology. However, he is very worried about you and frightened. People aren’t always rational.
You are not in the wrong. You were sick and unable to do better than you did.
In that emergency, your mom should have thought to text your husband, as she was the adult in charge of the situation so to speak. I don’t think she is really at fault either though. You were her first priority.
However, you pre-decided for your husband how much of an emergency it would take for him to drop work and deal with your illness and may have conveyed that to your mother. If you were hit by a car and close to death would your mother have texted him? What circumstances would have triggered an immediate contact of your spouse?
The fact that your husband got drunk and is upset about you relying on your mother suggests that he has felt shunted to the side in the past. Does your mother often take over and make decisions he should make? Do you often call her for things you might normally deal with with a spouse?
when things have calmed down, assure your husband that he is your main person, not your mom. Talk about what you would both like to happen in a future emergency. Would he like to know even if someone else is already able to help? Do your parents need to know that you are a united front on emergency plans?
These are solvable things. i hope you find out what caused the vertigo and doctors can address it.
You are sick and he is drinking, treating you bad and making this about himself. Alcoholics are selfish, I’ve been there. I’m sober now. He needs to quit drinking
is it possible you have vertigo?
OP buried the lede. Her husband is an alcoholic who drinks alone pretty much daily and blacks out multiple times per week.
So let me get this straight:
You had a medical emergency and instead of being concerned for your health/wellbeing, he got drunk (aka no sober/healthy adult in the house in case something happend to the kids) and woke up his sick wife to complain about his feelings/hurt ego!???? And he had to ask you, his sick wife, if he should take care of feeding himself and the kids instead of just doing it!????
Jeez what an immature manchild :/ He took a medical emergency and turned it in a “oh poor old me”-thing :/
Besides that, the logical thing would have been here your mom/his mom contacting him and keeping him in the loop. Work is important, but your family should come first. You took away his freedom to chose what he puts first by deciding where his priorities should be at that point. You BOTH need to step up communicating better/act more emotionally mature