I want to share my recent dating app experience. Dating for me has been an absolute nightmare of an experience. For context I am a 29 (F) who lives in a large city. I am a professional, single for 2-3 years and I want to meet someone to settle down with. I matched with a guy on Bumble (sigh). At first I forgot I even swiped right on him, his profile was half his face and some not quite clear picture but I had a feeling he might be cute.
Fast forward a few days we are talking daily via WhatsApp after exchanging numbers. He seemed quite insightful, smart and kind. He was three years younger than me. But seemed to have the life experience of a 40 year old.
He shared with me quite early on that he has the condition EDS, cardiovascular EDS, and POTS. He also mentioned that he abused and neglected as a child and does not see his parents as parents and calls them by their first names (although still maintains some contact with his dad, the dynamics of the relationship was unclear).
He also shared that he’s getting divorced from a women he married. Who forced into marriage to stay in the country. He shared that she was very abusive, used to have episodes of violence: pushing him down the stairs which caused a spinal fracture, hitting him verbally abusing him. He mentioned that he spent, huge amounts of money on her but inevitably that marriage ended. He had domestic abuse therapy and showed me all the paper work for the divorce.
That being said I was open to getting to know him because our past does not define us and we had great conversations. Slowly as the friendship progressed. The things he use to praise me on he would critique me for ie the way I spoke. He would blow small minor things like jokes into bigger problems and try to us this as an excuse to insult me. For example, I told him something that turned out to be incorrect unintentionally (because I am human and I can get things wrong) he then proceeded to call me a liar. I said you can’t called me a liar if I wasn’t intentionally spreading misinformation. He then went on to say the definition of a lie is something that’s not true and if I said something that isn’t true then I am a liar.
He would use and twist definition of things to justify calling me them. He would also use things I said in confidence against me. Trying to paint me as a bad person, so he could play the victim. Mostly everyone in his life like family and the past relationship he was all a victim to. He said he was nothing but loving to them but somehow they would all abuse him.
Our conversations turned into a daily ‘my life is so bad because’ either due to sickness, his past trauma or anything else that’s gone wrong. If I did not show if immediate sympathy. He would try and pick a fight with me and talk over me. If I tried to stick to my point and talk. He said I was being aggressive and shouting at him (never shouted once). He would use all these things to paint himself as the victim.
He would say that he’s been assessed by a team of psychological is twice. Only revealing the first time it was because he drank a load of alcohol and pills and blacked out. To which his friends thought it was a suicide attempt. He told me he never tried to kill himself. Never been suicidal. However, I started to think maybe he is mentally unstable. He would say things like he went to the GP for assessment since he was having a bad time with EDS and the GP made a psych referral (?) stating that the GP thinks he thinks that his symptoms are somehow made up.
He also said that his nanny told he ‘you’ve always been the mental case in the family’. He also said his mother has BPD and his ex has. He tried to call me a cluster b to insult be (cluster b is a cluster of personality disorders where BPD sits).
He would gaslight, and emotional manipulate me. & then say I was doing the same thing while he was doing it. He never took accountability for his actions. The the few times he did he said it wasn’t his intention. I am not saying I am perfect or anything because probably times where I was curious and asked questions which may have been triggering for him for deeper understanding.
However, he seemed to paint everyone has the abuser and him the abused. For example, he showed me a screenshot of a conversation with his boss. In which his boss was saying instead of coming in and out of work due to sickness. He should just be signed of sick. He was quite defensive and went on a tangent about living with a chronic illness all his life and this and that.
This was all before we met. We had been talking for a month and half and decided at the end of August when we both have annual leave we will meet. I bought the ticket which he paid half for to go up to his city. He was approx two hours away. We decide I should come there first as I live with family and he lives by himself and he was going through some cash flow issues at the time. I didn’t mind because I realised it would be easier with everything he’s going through to come up for a day and leave.
However, things got progressively worse, it seemed that the arguments would come out of no where and were clashing frequently. Sunday last week we got into a heated debate. In which I questioned why he complete sprint tasks while you’re off sick. He’s justification was because his work will sabotage him by changing dates and things to make him look lazy to fire him. He didn’t like that I was questioning him and he tried to guilt trip me by saying he’s all alone and of course he’s worried about this because he will not have a job and nothing to rely on (he’s parents are basically loaded but of course he doesn’t really speak to them apparently, but sends me stuff that his dad sends him like memes, dad also wrote his job profile, dad also helped him with his CV, he also said I can drive his parents car and stay up in one of their houses they own for a holiday )
The conversation ended pretty heated in which I spoke over him as he will never let me speak and speak over me. When I opened up and was sharing my childhood and where I grew up he later said all the words I said were exhausting. Even though I shared I am closed off and don’t share and it’s a big deal to me
Later I was so sad because of my fear of rejection. I finally received a message saying we should end things and I not come up next week. He’ll send me the money for the train ticket. I was so upset crying and I called him. While I was crying and upset he said “look at you you’re so unstable” and then basically asked me why all my connections end up like this. He said I ruined his day and was crying in the park. He said he’s had enough and does not want to go further.
The next day he does a one 180 apologising saying he doesn’t know what he was thinking and he still wants to meet up. I said to him why do you want to meet up with a person that supposedly treats you bad. He said he wasn’t saying it about my personality but just that moment.
At that point I could say he was an emotional abuser and may mentally unstable. I told him that I cannot put up with the mental abuse. It went silent and then he text me again saying he’s depressed and nothing is working out. I said I am not the right person to speak to right now about that. I told him I will not put up with emotional manipulation and if he starts that again I will end the conversation. It was one tick I don’t know if it’s delivered now but I deleted the conversation.
He hasn’t messaged me since then, hopefully he’s okay but I don’t want to ever speak to him again. I don’t drive or have my own house yet. He would shame me for this. Even though he doesn’t drive because he can’t due to using medical cannabis. He would try and convince me to try so I can drive him around.
One thing that was apparent to me is that he will paint everyone as manipulative, abusive, and mentally unstable. But never took accountability for his actions. Had problems with his brother, mother, grandmother and his mother. Every girl he’s dated. Noting they all wanted him and he was forced into relationships but never had a choice.
All so very weird.
Feel free to add your opinion or perspective.
I feel I have just been swindled by a cluster b