My wife loves me, but I don't think she likes me at all.
Apologies in advance if this is too descriptive, but all just things I need to vent about I think.
Me (30m) and my wife (31F) have been married for coming up on 5 years. We were a COVID couple, and neither of us had plans if getting married at all, but then the army sort of forced our hand, and in order to stay together we got quickie city hall married.
I was already in the military and had just been posted to the city we live in now when I met her. She had already applied to the military as well, but it's a surprisingly long process, and then COVID delayed it even further until she got her acceptance in winter of 2021.
During our COVID year of dating, she was adventurous and up for anything. We ran together, went on some crazy intense hiking trips, and were inseparable. I don't want to romanticize this time too much, as I was definitely not perfect during this time. I was immature and impulsive, and would text other girls or be a bit too active on snap/insta.
Eventually she would catch on to this and confront me about it, and it was the start of my straightening up. She was more patient than she ever needed to be, and gave me opportunities to work on myself and earn trust back. Not making excuses for myself, but I was later diagnosed with ADHD which explains my impulse control and lack of executive functioning.
At the start of 2021, I was offered a spot on the army course that I had always wanted, but it meant I needed to be away for two months. In that two months, she was sworn into the army, and left for her basic training and next career course across the country. In short, I left in Feb, and we didn't see each other again until July for two weeks.
During this time, we chatted as much as we could, called, watched movies on zoom, and had a fairly decent LDR. We sexted a lot, which was great for me because it kept me from watching porn. She was always involved and would send me dirty messages in her own volition. Not just stuff that was meant for me, but was her having her own fun and being flirty and adventurous on her own while she knew I was working or otherwise tied up with something. Not just for me, is the impression I got.
In the fall of 2021, while she on a different base for a course, she was raped by a close friend and colleague of mine that was at the same base teaching a course as a course Officer. I won't get into the details about all of the fall out from that, but suffice it to say, neither of us are in the military any more, and although the criminal case was dropped (read: fumbled by incompetence) by the Military Police, there is something in front of a human rights council etc etc. we have both undergone a lot of therapy and work on our mental well beings, found the time to do masters degrees, adopt a dog, and generally find some peace in life. All of that to say, the SA has contributed to the current situation, but I'm afraid isn't the only factor. I am also sympathetic to it, and I'm not trying to dismiss her feelings about intimacy, nor do I think she is ever unreasonable when she says she doesn't want to have sex. In fact, I far prefer she tell me she doesn't feel like it than when she does it and tells me to hurry up.
But here is my current gripe. I know she loves me. I'm not at all worried that she doesn't love me any more. But she doesn't like me. Not the way she used to.
She used to laugh at my jokes, and wrestle me, and leave me love notes in my lunch. Now she groans when I kiss her, gets annoyed because I'm too annoying imand energetic in the mornings, and if we have a fight we tell me to shut the fuck up.
I find myself doing 90% of the house work. Meals, cleaning, all the dog chores, managing bills, the house maintenance….
And I don't mind doing things for us, but I just want to feel like I'm doing it out of kindness and not out of obligation. She rarely says thank you. Which is fine, she didn't come from a 'thank you' house (whole other story ..), but it just bums me out sometimes.
Our biggest problem is sex. We have sex 2-3 times a week now, which I guess isn't awful for a couple in their 30s that have had a few hard years of life kicking them in the crotch. But she's never into it anymore and it always feels like a chore. When I have tried having conversations about it, she says that I expect too much or that I take too long (I gotta be honest, I don't think I have that problem anymore….). Any time sex comes up in conversation, she gets aggressive and argumentative, even if I try to broach things in a playful and soft way.
Up until about two years ago, we had an very adventurous sex life. Anal, pegging, public, BDSM, a threesome, talking about previous encounters (or making them up at least) all that good stuff.
But now…. I get to have 'a quick hump' or 'nothing crazy, just get it over with.' The other day, she said I was neeing annoying and should just go masturbate. So I did, and said she could come lend a hand if she felt up to it. Instead she just sat beside me and went on TikTok and then complained that i was taking too long again.
I understand that when people get older, their interests change, and their energy drops off. But something she said sticks with me: "I did all of those things and I misrepresented myself."
I don't need her to tie me up and stick her toes in my mouth anymore. I just want to be able to have sex with my wife in a way that she seems excited about. I want her to objectify me just a little bit. I want to see her look and me and bite her lip or send me a dirty text or fuck, even get on top again. But it's cold and empty now. It's a chore. When I ask for sex (because I have to ask now, I can't try and initiate spontaneously because she gets annoyed) it's always "ugh, fine" or "yeahhhh I guess we COULD do that." I want to feel like my wife thinks I'm hot. I want her to laugh at my dumb jokes again. I want her to be present when we are together. I want her to do something other than sit at her computer. I want the adventure back and I want to feel appreciated.
I dunno. I probably just needed to rant because I have nowhere else to put this. I just want to feel like my wife thinks of me more than a roommate. When we started dating, I used to smoke a lot more weed and then text her dumb questions like "if I were a type of coffee, what would I be?" And she would answer in a thoughtful and creative way. Today I tried asking her what kind of vacation would be, and she just said that her brain is empty and I was being annoying. So that was great. Loved that.
Anyway. Thanks for letting me dump this all here. I definitely don't have any friends close enough to talk about this with, and needed to get it out before it ate at me any more.
TLDR: Wife thinks I'm annotand is disgusted by my touch.